I'm still not back to 100% -- it's going to take some time (you can look up "general anxiety disorder" or "agoraphobia" for a basic sense of what I'm dealing with). The past two mornings I've woken up and immediately had the anxious/nauseous/panic feelings kick in, before even rolling out of bed. Which means it's not some superficial, I-can-psyche-myself-out-of-it thing. It's something deeper that I'll be working on over the next several days.
There are quite a few differences in how I'm managing it this time, versus in prior bouts with the issue:
1) We're being more open. In the past I kept it to myself for days; this time I told Jamie the first night. And I've never shared with others like I did here on the forum. Gives me more freedom to deal with the issue instead of adding the fear of hoping nobody finds out.
2) We're giving me some room to not be 100% right now. When going over the list of stressors, there are plenty. Many people in a similar situation would fall back on their own coping mechanisms or patterns. For some reason this is one of mine. It's not necessarily wrong or awful... it's just my way. Long-term it's not a way to live, but as a short-term reaction it's not that big a deal, and shouldn't be all that surprising.
3) Exercise. I've had some noticeable atrophy after two weeks of no workouts plus a stomach bug. Getting physically stronger carries over into other areas for me, so that's a focus for the next week.
4) Meditation. I've used it in the past and had great success. With the family out of town next week, I'll have a quiet house and can spend time meditating while examining (and hopefully changing) some of my thought patterns.
I understand that at the logical level much of this just sounds crazy. And as a logical person myself, I am not blind to the irony. Worry never made a single situation better, yet I'm struggling with it. Most of my stressful situations are ones I've either purposely created or am looking forward to, yet still I'm anxious about them. And if my worst case scenarios came true and many of those situations bombed, I know I'd still be okay.
But those thoughts, true and logical as they are, just don't penetrate this beast.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
I prolly get it sometimes, though I wouldn't put a name to it or get it checked out, but I've had and told my doc about times where I'm just battling a bunch of worry and anxiety for no reason.
I'm a worst case scenario girl, and it kinda helps, but then the less I feel I can control things in my life the harder that becomes.
Sucks, but at least you know it'll get better.
It does tend to help to realize that it's largely not real. I mean, shadows are still kinda scary, but if you know they're not real it significantly reduces the effect.
and then you stand outside of yourself and think "man, what weird kind of biochemistry and electrial signals are combining to make me have these thoughts and emotional responses ..."
and then you stand outside of yourself and think "man, what weird kind of biochemistry and electrial signals are combining to make me have these thoughts and emotional responses ..."
or that could just be me
That's definitely me sometimes. I think you know that I'm just enough of a neuroscience geek to think those things. Right now the book "Welcome to Your Brain" is on my nightstand. I haven't read it yet or anything, but still, it's sitting there, looking cool and impressive.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
Doing much, much better now. While the family was at IHOP on Friday night, RedWifey had an epiphany about my panic attacks.
The last time this happened was about five years ago. There were some stressful things going on then too, sure, but the major link was that I had just received a huge pile of critical projects (at least, I thought they were critical) at work from that company's CFO, and then he basically disappeared for a few weeks and left me hanging.
At my current company, that's exactly what the new president did to me. We had that bangup meeting a week or two ago and he hasn't been able to work me into his calendar since then. Once RW mentioned this, I immediately connected the dots. And ever since I've felt like myself again.
Lots more to share sometime but minutes are short tonight. Later dudes.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
Wow. The power of pancakes. I'm glad things are clicking for you.
__________________
"Time and patience are the 2 elements that most people don't include in their plans."
-Alan Aragon
"The scale simply tells you how much the earth loves you on a particular day."
-Ogedei (Keith)
__________________
*****************************
Walk on
With hope in your heart
And You'll Never Walk Alone
*****************************
There's no free lunch, especially when it's served with special sauce (lostdog)
***************************** My Log - PC Plod
__________________ It all starts with the mind, but the thoughts, the intention aren't enough. Action needs to come next. Dream it, believe it, plan it, execute it, celebrate it. - Wendy
And for the Freudians in the room, yes, there's a chance this weird trigger goes back to the 'ole relationship with daddy. It's one of the blind spots in my usually-introspective vision, and something I'll look at eventually.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
The fam took off yesterday morning for vacation, and I'm working a ton while I can. Lots going on:
Food -- I made two casseroles. One for breakfast and one for dinner. Makes my meals fast and easy so I can focus on other things. One of the recipes is at the bottom of this post.
Exercise -- I had a nice workout yesterday, and will do another tomorrow.
Work -- 12-hr day today, which had some nice payoffs. After 6pm tonight, the new prez was in my office and gave me the green light to take a leadership role with the entire Director team. That starts tomorrow. He also said that "sooner rather than later" I would be taking on bigger roles and more responsibility, but was vague about whether it'd be at this company or just some general, long-term career growth thing.
Meditation -- None yet. Maybe tonight. Just slipped my mind cuz I'm feeling good.
Sermon -- Been thinking about it more, but no time yet to put much on paper. If I get time, I'll send some PowerPoint slide requests to the church. If not, I'll just speak from the heart on Sunday with no visual aids. RedWifey sweetly and wisely assured me that it would work fine either way.
RW's health -- negatory on the gestational diabetes. Hells yeah.
Dogs -- They're doing pretty well, but they're definitely lonely during the day. Today RW's mom came over around 4:30 to walk them since I didn't get home until after 7:00. Yesterday I got home early enough to walk them myself, and little Z was so insane he went out into the field and caught a rabbit. For real, yo. Little cottontail. He was so proud.
Now for the casserole:
Breakfast casserole
Bottom layer of "Big and flaky" crescent roll dough in a 9x11 pan
One pound of ground sausage, browned (I used Jimmy Deal All-Natural). Spread in pan.
14 eggs, mixed but not all the way whipped. Pour into pan.
Sprinkle cheese on top. I used cheddar/monterey mix; several handfuls.
Top layer of "Big and flaky" crescent roll dough.
Cook at 350 for 30 minutes.
Nutritional Info: .....yeah, right! This is the perfect breakfast for my "skipping lunch" days.
The dinner recipe is a mexican casserole I got from another website. Not quite worthy yet of me putting it here, but I'll work on it!
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
__________________
*****************************
Walk on
With hope in your heart
And You'll Never Walk Alone
*****************************
There's no free lunch, especially when it's served with special sauce (lostdog)
***************************** My Log - PC Plod
Have I told you today that I love you? I can't wait to see where things land for you in so many areas. It's exciting to be on this journey with you. I hope you have a great day today!
What's really fun is when you have to keep a boxer away from a loose chicken.
__________________ It all starts with the mind, but the thoughts, the intention aren't enough. Action needs to come next. Dream it, believe it, plan it, execute it, celebrate it. - Wendy
Have I told you today that I love you? I can't wait to see where things land for you in so many areas. It's exciting to be on this journey with you. I hope you have a great day today!
Thanks, honey! I do not have a positive attitude yet today, but we'll see where it leads. At the moment I'm not really looking to turn it, and instead plan to use it to kick ass in the name of corporate evolution.
Because really, if I'm pissed because people at twice my pay level continue to be exposed as incompetent and lazy, and I'm the one who has to keep picking up the pieces... is that really an attitude problem?
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
I see you have some AIGNess going on at your place of business.
__________________ It all starts with the mind, but the thoughts, the intention aren't enough. Action needs to come next. Dream it, believe it, plan it, execute it, celebrate it. - Wendy
Step 1 -- I setup M/W/F meetings, 90 minutes each, for all Directors to keep pushing on the projects we're working on together. No, I'm not a Director, but I'm taking the lead. These meetings will run through mid-February. I set the agenda for this Friday's meeting and sent it out, made sure the conference room is reserved, and sent out a list of norms/rules for us to follow in the sessions.
Step 2 -- I met face-to-face with each Director to make sure they understood the purpose of these meetings, and that in between they'd need to be making steps toward their business plans.
Step 3 -- I went to the Finance Director and got the P&L detail for every department. If the other Directors don't have ideas for expense reductions and structural changes in our first meetings, I'll come up with ideas on their behalf.
Step 4 -- I handled all my clients issues that went unresolved after the 7-hour meeting yesterday. This included a conference call with the board of a large credit union, where I had to repeatedly explain that since our program made them $2M last quarter, and their total net income was only $1.5M, they might not want to focus on cutting their payment to us as a business strategy. They actually had to mute the line for three minutes to browbeat the C-level guy who was pushing for a price cut. He was slightly more respectful when they returned to the call.
Step 5 -- TBD. But people are looking at me differently around here. The good workers keep coming into my office, shutting the door, and launching into questions about how things are going. The lazy workers are avoiding eye contact.
This is not the day to mess with me.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
Sounds like you're taking names today, Red. 1 and 3 are particularly 'gutsy'.
__________________
*****************************
Walk on
With hope in your heart
And You'll Never Walk Alone
*****************************
There's no free lunch, especially when it's served with special sauce (lostdog)
***************************** My Log - PC Plod
Because really, if I'm pissed because people at twice my pay level continue to be exposed as incompetent and lazy, and I'm the one who has to keep picking up the pieces... is that really an attitude problem?
1) I hit the company gym for a 10-minute workout. We have two changing rooms / bathrooms in the gym area, fyi. When my workout was almost over, I heard someone come in the gym door. It's a blind spot around a corner, but they could hear me clanging weights. Then they proceeded to walk into the changing room with my clothes in it, while the other room was completely open. Then they proceeded to stay in there with the door locked for 15 minutes, leaving me stranded since my workout was over but I couldn't get my clothes. During this time they unleashed evil carnage on the toilet, and finally left the room with no spraying of any of the Lysol that is in the room. I actually gagged while running in to grab my stuff. Not cool.
2) When I got my office clothes on and went to the company fridge to get my PWO shake, the building's "greenery maintenance" guy was there. He goes from floor to floor watering the plants in people's offices. And there he was, waist-deep into the fridge and tearing into the leftover food from a company meeting. He sheepishly looked at me and then ran out, leaving half-opened and half-eaten stuff laying in the fridge and on the counter.
Hey, everybody takes a dump. But when there are two bathroom choices, one empty and one with clothes and a gymbag in it, pick the empty one.
Everybody eats. And if you're starving, people will probably share their food with you. Just ask first, okay?
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
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