This log is about a (hopeful) bodybuilder's journey through body reconstruction, but at a deeper level it is about a middle aged woman's journey to body acceptance and better overall health.....
This is my body. Today it looks fat in my eye. Tomorrow it may look fine and even sometimes it is Hawt. The mirror, the scale the body images in my mind all play tricks on my perception so that on any given day I don't know if I will love or not love my body. The one thing I do know is that this is the only one I got. I know that when I don't love my body and neglect it, I get fat and feel awful, so my work is to love it and to mold it such that it feels healthy and strong. I have a vision that one day this body will present itself on a stage in the spirit of the sport of bodybuilding. I have some years to go to gain mass to do this without total embarassment. To reconstruct this body towards my goal, I do cycles of cutting and bulking and even some culking.
Today I feel fat because I am at the top of a 6 month bulk. I have put on 16 lbs over that time. It was a clean gain (as far as gains go) but even so it is sometimes hard to accept all that weight. But I know that I must accept this as part of the process just as I must accept my scars and stretch marks and lose skin. Yes, I have a long way to go but I have come such a distance already and so the future looks promising. Besides the journey is mostly fun.
My old log is here if you care to see from where I started....
And the number one reason why I LOVE having a guy as a trainer. I sent these pics to Alan. I am proud of the progress that I see actually. I see significant increases in lats and legs which is bringing out the X-frame that bodybuilders so desire to have. His reply was how exciting it was to see my butt lifting up (like helium balloons have been put in there I think he said even). I did not even notice that before but yeah um.... that too!!!!
And with this exchange came about a most significant paradigm change. This has given me new confidence to really love and embrance the bulk and the concept of bulking. Before this exchange I was feeling freaked out about the weight gain. When I recently posted a new AVI (the bulk double bi) recently Alan wrote and told me more than once that he liked my look much better with the added body fat than the previous one with so little bf. I dismissed this compliment because he is a guy and guys always like curvy women.... But after this new exchange it hits me and I realized at a deeper level that GUYS REALLY LIKE CURVY women and finally that it is okay for me to be curvy.
I looked hard at my changes and my body and I realized that the curves are indeed not FAT but rather a symbol of my healthy and robustness. Honestly when I look hard at my hard 11% bf body it is not that healthy looking compared to now. In fact I turned my cut around due to the fact that I started to look so badly. I look at Leah who also recently did a competition and note the same about her. I think I remember the same thing about Natalia as she ventured into the 10% zone. It is time that I really honestly understand this and get it and now I am also gonna say it. Girls, we look better with some bf on us. And again like I mean it, WE LOOK BETTER WITH SOME BF ON OUR BODIES!!! We are healthier and we are happier. Yes, it is cool to see all the muscle at the lower bf and it is cool to see the pics on the stage but that is NOT how we should be living most of the time. That image must be reserved for only those times that we are showing or doing photo shoots.
I am embracing this bulk and doing exceptionally well with it. I must give many thanks to my coach/nutritionist for this entire round Alan Aragon. I did not really like the medicine he gave me at all at first (old paradigms and all) but we worked through the plan together and I have learned much. I look forward to the rest of the journey.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
I am so glad your back posting here. I missed reading your thoughts. I can relate to your weight feelings. I have been struggling the past few weeks with my weight being as high as its been in over 2 years. It is mostly mental though as others still see me as a rather skinny person.
I guess we all have our demons to battle with, but battle we shall!
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"Time and patience are the 2 elements that most people don't include in their plans."
-Alan Aragon
"The scale simply tells you how much the earth loves you on a particular day."
-Ogedei (Keith)
I am so glad your back posting here. I missed reading your thoughts. I can relate to your weight feelings. I have been struggling the past few weeks with my weight being as high as its been in over 2 years. It is mostly mental though as others still see me as a rather skinny person.
I guess we all have our demons to battle with, but battle we shall!
I have learned that gaining on purpose and gaining cleanly creates a beauty in a body that is just as amazing as a cut body. This is a very different feeling than an accidental bulk (I think Espi made that up) which tends to look too soft. This learning is so significant to me and I am so grateful to Alan for putting this in my head and relentlessly reiterating it until I learned it. It makes this journey so much easier when I love where I am.
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Originally Posted by stingo
*Subscribed*
Looking strong in your pics.
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Originally Posted by CloveApple
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You are looking awesome!
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Originally Posted by Chloe2
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I'm excited to follow along!
Thanks to all of you for stopping by. I am so happy that you are going to be regular visitors.
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Originally Posted by gregl515
You really do look healthier, stronger and well, sexier, at the higher weight.
Ah Greg you are such a doll. And you are driving home yet another point in this. EVERYONE agrees with you so far. But yet I still want to get all twiggy again in the spring. LOL! Okay I'll only do it for a little while this time and turn it right back again to maintain in the summer. I think my bf will be in the high teens throughout the summer months, cause a little bit o' bf is okay with everyone including me....
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Just have to share my first trainer success story..... Actually this is more about the food than the training...
I have my first client on (3 weeks now in a row) a very consistant 1.76lb average loss per week right now. It took a lot of work on both our parts to educate him on the nutrition part but we did it and more importantly I hit the calorie/workout recommended range pretty dead on for him to come to this. I told him I was going to shoot for just under 2lbs a week and I did it. I was shocked that it worked so well. He was duly impressed. LOL!
The coolest part of this is he came from a trainer that had him losing 4lbs a week or more and overtraining, under-eating to do it. He admitted that he felt like shit most of the time. So I had to slow him down and teach him about rest and how important that is to the whole picutre. Then I created a workout program that was sustainable and intelligent for his goals and educated him about eating. He joined a gym, bought a bike and is learning so much. I am not allowed to make up food plans for my clients(not a nutritionist) but I learned that I can teach around that just fine. We spent a few hours in the grocery store one night instead of the gym. We talked about how I ate versus how he ate. Now he logs his food and sends it to me every day. (Bwaa haa haa) As much as I hate to do myself to send to Alan every day, I am finding it crucial in training my own people. It allows me to catch all sorts of things real time as they were happening and also to predict his daily burn rate to the point that we could hone it all in.
Perhaps I got lucky with this guy because he really is a great client and does everything I ask him to do. I don't know. I got two more who are starting this process right now and are equally as excited to get into these details. I am going to put meat on these two. Both of them just need to eat and lift and eat some more. I have a great deal of fun with all of these guys. I start another one this week who is a friend of a friend. He is on fire to start already and I got his butt logging already too. We're gonna drop a bit of fat on this one as we rehab some shoulder soreness and crappy form. Then we're gonna get serious about eating and lifting too. He is signed up for an 8 months program actually. His girlfriend is a different story. She wants to train with me but doesn't want to do any of that tracking stuff. (Uh oh... I am gonna hafta figure out how to make this work now) LOL!
Goal is to see if we can hit another one or two over the next weeks. Oh this stuff is SO much fun! Tomorrow I get to workout myself. Yeah! Leg day!
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
And just once more so it sinks in finally : you look absolutely smashing!
Thanks Espi. It will be a slow log but a log all the same.
Alright I hear ya. I look good but I still feel fat some days. Today I saw my giant belly in the mirror at the gym and nearly died. Arrrghhh! I just keep reminding myself that I am working on it.
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Originally Posted by RedLefty
If I had boobies I would hold them all the time. I'd be useless to society.
ROTFLMAO!!! Imagine that. RL shows up and we start talking Boobies! Missed ya man. Next subject MUST be coregasms.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
WHY AM I SO FUCKING HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!!!????!!!!!
I am gaining weight and getting stronger. I am eating nearly 2700 cals a day and probably even more because I have stopped being so anal about sauces and things like that. I should be full or at least mostly full. I only weigh 134 lbs for cripes sake. For the past several weeks I am starving all the time. And you would not believe it if you saw me eat. I am like a teenage football player just devouring food. Last night I sat down with a long-time guy friend and ate a HUGE plate of food in record time. He was blown away that I could eat that much food and especially so fast. The meal never registered to me. I am hungry all the time it seems.
I know that those of you on deficit live this all the time and have no symphathy for me but I should be feeling pretty happy since I am getting fat. When I first started this diet I had to force the food in. What in the hell gives here? I am seriously tempted to cheat on my BULK!! Who the hell ever heard of that?!!
This is going to be a very interesteing cut when we finally launch it. If I am feeling like this now imagine how I am going to be with even less food. This is going to require more discipline than ever. I am wondering if it wsa such a good idea to crank up the metabolism afterall now...
Okay rant is over. I am still hungry but at least I got to yell a little.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Have you looked at your training program lately? *points up*
Alan owns me right now so can't just change anything... He designed both training and food plan and is keeping me on leash via daily reporting. You can't even do mini-experiments and get away with it with that daily reporting strategy. LOL!
I told him about this hunger and even deduced that the real hunger started right about the time I started training people in the evenings and weekends. AKA more NEAT and more work. I cut out working that job so much and got more rest which sort of helped but not all the way. Even with this hunger the weight gain is still happening and the strength gains are still happening so I don't see Alan moving me from the current plan. He says "good things are happening". Oh I wish I had his faith...
That said he did drop a workset from the original plan after my rest week but I can't see that as being the cause of this hunger. It's crazy. I was not nearly this hungry even at the worst in my cut. It just is so weird. I would swear I am on deficit right now...
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
I know that those of you on deficit live this all the time and have no symphathy for me but I should be feeling pretty happy since I am getting fat. When I first started this diet I had to force the food in. What in the hell gives here? I am seriously tempted to cheat on my BULK!! Who the hell ever heard of that?!!
No, actually, knowing what hunger feels like gives gives me a good deal of sympathy for you. I do hope the hunger fades for you.
It sucks to hear that a bulk can be hungry-making. Guess it's better for me to know that possibility now, than to think everything will automagically get better when I'm not on a deficit.
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Originally Posted by kfisherx
Alan owns me right now so can't just change anything... He designed both training and food plan and is keeping me on leash via daily reporting. You can't even do mini-experiments and get away with it with that daily reporting strategy. LOL!
Let's see, what was the solution last time...oh yeah, vodka!
__________________
"Time and patience are the 2 elements that most people don't include in their plans."
-Alan Aragon
"The scale simply tells you how much the earth loves you on a particular day."
-Ogedei (Keith)
No, actually, knowing what hunger feels like gives gives me a good deal of sympathy for you. I do hope the hunger fades for you.
It sucks to hear that a bulk can be hungry-making. Guess it's better for me to know that possibility now, than to think everything will automagically get better when I'm not on a deficit.
Thanks for the empathy. I figured you all would laugh. I mean it is really quite ridiculous. Yes it sucks to think that you might actually have hunger on a bulk up. That is why I am so frustrated with this. The bulk is supposed to be pretty easy and comfy after a certain point of discomfort from being so full.
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Originally Posted by CloveApple
Let's see, what was the solution last time...oh yeah, vodka!
Can't be doing that all the time. Luckily last time I did it, I suffered zero consequences. Alan and I were both pretty surprised. My bodyweight just rolled along as if nothing happened. Still don't want to push it. LOL!
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
I'm walking 60 miles for a breast cancer cure, September 11-13, 2009! Please support my walk and help me raise funds for cancer research by donating to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/...nal&fr_id=1300
Copying what I wrote in Wendy's log since you commented on benching.
There is no 'ONE' right way to bench... so the both of you were right
On the bench presses.. I'm just not doing them anymore, period and just do db presses. Funny enough, I'm now pressing more on db presses than I ever did on bb presses.
The only downside is that when I still did them, I'd tuck in the elbows and had hideously strrrrrong triceps. After reading all they 'naysayers' who said you don't 'need' isolation work on bi/tri , they were sorely neglected... result: can't even do half of the weight I used to do on triceps work.
The upside.. less shoulder pain and more pec development for the db presses that allow for a bit more flare (less tucking) and even larger ROM.
If you want to read more on bench pressing, Lyle McDonald wrote a couple of very good articles on it. Before Lyle became a nutrition guru (writing all those books) he studied Exercise Physiology so that's really his area of expertise.
The interesting part is that elbows tucked in technique is apparently best suited for geared (shirts etc.) powerlifters and not recommended for 'raw' lifters.
Thanks Espi for bringing this conversation here. I am currently heads down on this one for a little while as I examine all the data. I am currently learning to fire the pecs in this exercise and keep the pecs fired. My intension is not to hit the triceps or the shoulders as primarly muscles for this one which is why I do not touch my chest. That said, ALL the documentation seems to point to touching the chest which contradicts my theories on keeping the pecs firing. I am finding supporting documentation to my theories on keeping the ROM smaller for lots of other reasons though including the statement here made by Lyle..
With that said, I would note that some types of body mechanics often make the bench press a poor choice of exercises for targeting the pecs (especially without tearing up the shoulders). Usually this is folks with very very long arms for whom full-range bench pressing tends to do awful things to the shoulders.
I am seeing a lot of shoulder injuries in the gym. A boatload more in this sport than any other I have been in and from what I can tell by watching people who claim these injuries, the bench press is one of the main offenders. The technique on this exercise is amazingly bad almost everywhere I look. The most common error though is the line of lift being back too far. It is becoming one of my pet peeves like the improper RDL.
For me, for now, I need to spend more time isolating the pecs and really understanding that and then switch to a full ROM version of the exercise that makes total sense. The technique here is key and without a person to watch over this I will have to figure it out on my own. (sigh...)
That makes me think that I also may need to start planning my exit strategy from this bbing style training gym and find me a more functional style training environment at some point to help me better expand my learning. There is an Oly gym somewhere in this town.... I just want to be careful that I am not learning too much too fast and try to just keep one step ahead all the time. I think there is value to learning many different approaches even if I discard one at some point in time. I will probably always have more of a bend towards bbing as opposed to functional training but that doesn't mean I will not babysit the other side of things as well.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
That article gave some amazing insight in the position of the bb in relation to the body as in how it should travel up.. never thought there was that much to it.
A female bodybuilder told me she only did flyes for chest due to her breast implants. But she also claimed flyes were the best pec developers overall . That's with the idea of strictly doing an exercise for physique enhancement = hypertrophy.
Over time I've learned that is not really *my* thing but it is interesting nonetheless and actually quite important to know what the reason is for people doing a particular exercise. For many men bench pressing is simply an ego exercise. Considerng the amt of injuries due to too heavy (often incorrect) bench pressing I thought it better to just ditch the entire exercise and only do db presses, standing overhead presses (later on : push presses) and for isolation high rep stuff: pec deck station.
Somehow I never end up doing incline presses, probably because I figure that standing overhead presses as well as hang cleans are enough 'incline' already and give more bang for the buck.
I didn't know you were logging again. Great workouts as always.
Can't comment much to the hunger. Sorry that its tough for you right now though. When I sit and think about it, I am rarely actually physically hungry even though I am in a deficit. The days that I am its usually just in the mornings at work and there isn't much to reach for except water, so I can usually handle it pretty well. So far anyway....
Karla, a large part of this bench pressing goal of mine has been focused on technique, with dh teaching me how to properly bench. He's been with me for almost all of my heavy workouts and won't allow me to screw around or have crappy technique (which I learned quickly; as soon as I let the bar drift, or my elbows splay, or released the tension in my legs and hips, we were "done" for the day). It's been fascinating. More than anything, I was already benching what most would consider a lot (especially for a rower). Learning the proper technique has allowed me to safely add weight. What fun!
I don't know what this really adds to your benching convo, other than that I see crappy form all the time, and, as you might have read in my log, and now setting the example at our gym.
Is it as cold there in Portland as it is here in Seattle? I am so sick of winter!
I'm walking 60 miles for a breast cancer cure, September 11-13, 2009! Please support my walk and help me raise funds for cancer research by donating to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/...nal&fr_id=1300
I didn't know you were logging again. Great workouts as always.
Can't comment much to the hunger. Sorry that its tough for you right now though. When I sit and think about it, I am rarely actually physically hungry even though I am in a deficit. The days that I am its usually just in the mornings at work and there isn't much to reach for except water, so I can usually handle it pretty well. So far anyway....
Hey welcome. I am a bit Pissed off about the hunger. It started when Alan put me on this really high fat diet. It isn't really high fat but fat for me. Now I know that fatty foods are my trigger foods. I should eat all carbs.... LOL!
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Originally Posted by Willie
I don't know what this really adds to your benching convo, other than that I see crappy form all the time, and, as you might have read in my log, and now setting the example at our gym.
Is it as cold there in Portland as it is here in Seattle? I am so sick of winter!
Portland weather is so ridiculous this year that I actually bought a truck. I would not have made it to work today without my truck in fact. Bring on the spring baby!!!
Benching is a nasty exercise if not done 100% correctly. I am doing everything I can to save myself in light of proper trainer. I am also doing isolation work that is used in bbing gyms and focusing a lot more on the looks than the fuctional aspects. I will prolly change that up at some point but for this quarter I am bbing training.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Warning! Body Under Construction
But yet I still want to get all twiggy again in the spring. LOL! Okay I'll only do it for a little while this time and turn it right back again to maintain in the summer. I think my bf will be in the high teens throughout the summer months, cause a little bit o' bf is okay with everyone including me....
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