Had a ridiculously mind fuck kind of a day yesterday. This diet has me on an emotional rollar coaster like I have never experience before. Either that or I am hitting menopause. I do not generally do these sorts of swings. In fact I never have before in my life. This is the reason I have avoided low or moderately low carb diets in the past.
The weather was amazing yesterday and I woke up with this really bad body image. The scale is up. I am at 134lbs right now so holding onto water. My gut is hanging over my jeans. I am at 20% bf and it is springtime and I feel fat. I mean like really fat. I am ashamed to take off my coat or winter clothing. I am hating this diet and hating this process and hating everything. In my mind I should be at 15% or so bf at this point and I am pissed off. I don't get why other people can drop fat in 8 weeks and maintain their strength and it is going to take me 8 freak'n months. I fucking hate this... and am regretting signing up for this program right now. Still I am keeping the course because I think there is long term gain in some form at the end of this path.
None of my clothing from last summer (when I was really little) are fitting me right now. So had to make a trip to Nordstroms to hopefully find something that was not too tight on me. This was an interesting adventure. Small shirts no longer fit me in the lat area and mediums are too big around the waist and the arms. WTF? I guess I have to start shopping at the bbing store for clothing that fits. I made a mild attempt at educating myself about jeans. I tried on several pair of the ladies size 26-29 in various name brands but just did not find anything that fit me correctly. They all seemed to fit weird. too tight here and/or too loose there. Also the whole hemming thing.... Ughh... (though that is the reason I shop Nords 'cause they have an on-site tailor) I finally decided to go to the Juniors section and that is where I found a pair of jeans that fit me correctly enough that I could live with for today. They were not hundreds of dollars so probably not worthy of the more refined tastes here but at least I have another pair to sort of hold me over until I drop down another 10 or so lbs. (aaaaaaarrgghhhh) They are somewhat longish but not so long that I cannot wear them any damn way and get away with it. LOL! I also found a light weight jacket that sort of looks okay despite my weird ass body shape right now and so life was made a little better by having clothing that better fit me and was season specific. It is okay to bulk in the winter because you can wear your baggy ass sweat shirts and business suits and that sort of thing but in the summer..... Different story entirely.
I sent my report to Alan and made a plea to him hoping that he would offer some sort of change that will make this go faster. He LOL'd at me and made it clear that he was fine with the program how it was running. He is very happy with the strength gains I am reporting despite the scale numbers and my feelings. He basically has ZERO empathy for my percieved fatness and so I have my marching orders to stay the course. Arrrghhh... I love guy mentors and coaches and usually get on better with them but this is the reason it would be nice to have a woman coach in my life. Guys seem to have no understanding of this sort of thing... I mean he could at least not LOL at me.
Today is a new day and I am working on a new attitude. The scale is up again but I am strangly at some sort of peace peace. I type this from my seat in one of the company's private jets thousands of feet in the air. The sun is shining and I am looking over some amazingly beutiful snow covered montains. I am surrounded by my coworkers and friends and we are off on a little field trip all day face 2 face which will include some manner of socializing and catching up with folks I haven't seen since last quarter. This trip marks the first of 10 that will take place over the next 2.5 months including one to Poland and to Isreal. I am making peace with travelling and balancing my diet and life around it. The 4:30AM alarm was okay despite the fact I had only 4.5 hours of actual rest. All in all despite my body image issues, life is pretty good and I feel pretty blessed. This weekend I visit my daughter in LA, and I meet Kathy in LA. On Sunday I return to Portland and get to meet up with a very dear friend and the maker of my classical guitar. I have several good candidates for my rental property, a great job that I love, a beautiful farm that is floursihing springtime, new clothes, great friends, and Alan is right... I really am not fat.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
No you are not fat at all. So, pray tell, clothes shopping is really your favourite passtime
Have fun on your trip.. sounds fa-bu-lous.. except for the short sleep. Can't believe I used to go w/o or little sleep so often.. can you?
Little sleep = excess cranky feelings.
One or 2 tips.. back in the days I was very low-carbing, I felt depressed pretty much all the time.. there's a few supps that can help out, e.g. 5-HTP (serotonin), St. John's Wort (a SSRI), tryptophan (helps with sleep, very similar to 5-HTP), SAM-e too..
Food-wise, try raw cocoa powder & add it to your coffee. In case you don't drink coffee, blend some with protein powder , cottage cheese/yoghurt or whatever dairy source.. it can be tricky as it clumps easily.
I am not having problems sleeping. Quite the opposite. I sleep the second I lay down and don't move until the alarm rings. I just have too many interests to go to bed at a reasonable hour. LOL! I am always pushing my boundaries wrt sleep. I put a sleep column in my daily reporting chart due to this and I see I logged 13.5 hours in the past 3 nights. This is certainly a part of the swole problem that is going on right now.
What does raw cocoa powder do for me?
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
LOL! Yes. I definately am with this diet. It is something I am aware of but not really able to stop. Like I said. Either the diet or menopause. Something is taking over my mind right now. This is SO not me. I am generally super postive, upbeat and happy.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
We have kindred tendencies. I am quick to let you know if I feel funky. You know diet messes with your hormones. And at our age, anything messing with the hormones is going to put a rift in the space-time continuum.
I was just teasing.
__________________ Just because your mother thinks you're special doesn't mean I do
I know you were teasing and that you understand. This is actually brand new territory for me and it reminds me of how people describe menopause. Somehow it helps to bitch and whine a bit on this forum...
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
The reason I mentioned the 5-HTP and tryptophan is that both are involved with sleep as well as serotonin production. Low-carbing messes so much with my sleep it ain't funny.
Both 5-HTP and tryptophan are important precursors of serotonin.
Maybe I'm just not as cranky as you are because of the tons of cocoa I get in my diet? We also used a very highly concentrated cocoa-extract called chocamine in our fat burner.
Clinical data
A study in which a depressive mood was induced demonstrated a correlation with an increase in chocolate craving. It has been demonstrated that thoughts of chocolate are overpowering and prey on the mind. Questionnaires filled out by study subjects have shown that there is a weakness for chocolate in individuals who are under emotional stress, bored, upset, or feeling down. 30 A study that followed changes in brain activity related to eating chocolate demonstrated that one area of the brain is involved when there is motivation or craving to eat chocolate, while another area is involved when the desire to eat chocolate is decreased or becomes unpleasant. A similar result also has been shown with cocaine craving. Studies are needed to test the importance of this activity related to eating disorders and obesity. 31
Researchers at the Neurosciences Institute in La Jolla, CA, have found 3 substances in dark chocolate and cocoa powder that could act as cannabinoid mimics either directly (by activating cannabinoid receptors) or indirectly (by increasing anandamide levels). 32 , 33 , 34 Other uses
The magnesium contained in cocoa has been shown, in rats, to prevent and correct chronic magnesium deficiency. 35 , 36 Low intakes of magnesium may be responsible for some cardiovascular alterations and renal, GI, neurological, and muscular disorders. 35 , 36 The use of cocoa to treat or prevent magnesium deficiency in humans has yet to be explored
Okay this is interesting. I originally ignore the serotonin thing because I do not need aid with sleep. I sleep just fine... But digging in Wiki I learn it is tied to other things. Also of paticular interest is this snippet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiki
Serotonin levels can not be increased by diet or supplements of tryptophan alone. For example, increasing foods rich in tryptophan (eg, meats, proteins) does not increase serotonin levels, due to competition with other amino acids.[41] What is required to increase serotonin production is an increase in the ratio of tryptophan to phenylalanine and leucine. Fruits with a good ratio include dates, papaya and banana. Foods with a lower ratio inhibit the production of serotonin. These include whole wheat and rye bread[42] Much research has indicated that vigorous aerobic exercise improves mood, believed to be facilitated by an increase in serotonin levels.[43] Research also suggests that eating a diet rich in whole grain carbohydrates and low in protein will increase serotonin by secreting insulin, which helps in amino acid competition.[41] However, increasing insulin for a long period of time can sometimes onset insulin resistance, which is related to obesity, type 2 diabetes, and lower serotonin levels. It is also believed that muscles use many of the amino acids except tryptophan, allowing men to have more serotonin than women.[44] Bright light therapy is another popular method which prevents the conversion of serotonin to melatonin.[45] A similar effect is obtained by spending more time in natural sunlight. Recently, acupuncture has been shown to stimulate the release of serotonin in lab animals.[46]...
I eat mostly protein and my carb intake is low enough that I do not get nearly enough fruits or vegetables (IMHO). The thing that makes this diet really hard is that on workout days. (4 days a week) I have pretty rigid pre and post meals that consume most of my carbs for that day. I can get fruit in before I workout but after I eat a cereal. I eat a piece of bread outside of that for one of my meal and then I am done. Def something to consider here.
I don't think the cocoa powder thing applies though. I have zero cravings for chocolate. Never have actually. I am not a foodie for the most part and sweets especially do not call my name. If I crave anything it is fattie foods and salt. Baccon, pizza, etc...
BTW: I have NO clue RE the magnesium. No clue even where to look for that.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Since I'd not yet read the wiki page.. I was taken by surprise by this one
Quote:
Fruits with a good ratio include dates, papaya and banana. Foods with a lower ratio inhibit the production of serotonin. These include whole wheat and rye bread[
See.. I'm gluten intolerant.
Also.. guess what I binged on last Saturday night thru Sunday? Yep... HYOOOOOOOOGE amount of dried papaya.
Guess again what I eat every single morning first thing after weighing myself? Yeppers again.. 2 or 3 dates. Amaaaaaazing!
The things we do/eat and that turn out to have a reason.
Reminds me suddenly of a young boy that died in hospital when submitted for his weird habit to eat huge amounts of table salt. Only after he died it was discovered he had a rare disease that caused dramatic sodium losses in his body.
Sometimes you have to do what your body craves for.
In your case.. perhaps more slow serotonin-inducing cardio? Walking , cycling etc.
And of course re food, trade some of that cereal in for the more nutritious fruit.. there's a lot of anecdotal evidence (esp from a Norwegian guy called Blade, ask Alan) women do very well with a somewhat higher fruit (and fructose) intake.
Another interesting thing. For this diet and program my cardio is limited or at least made harder. In the past I was able to make myself feel really good on any diet simply by doing cardio. The harder the deficit the more I want to go. This is all good stuff to think about...
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Yes, I know your adherance/compliance is near 100% , but I'm all about making a diet as comfortable as you can , while yielding the same physical results.
You are seeing great physical results, it's just mentally very hard on you..
Wow... nice vent there! At least it ended positively.
I have to say, in the middle when you were saying you are "fat", I had an urge to smack you upside the head. But you seem to have gotten past that by the end... I am nowhere NEAR 20%... sheesh! I know it's more fat than you were last year, but seriously... you are NOT fat.
Low carbs can be a major mind fuck. But as you said in my log, just stick with the program. You KNOW that you'll get where you want to be and where you need to be, and since Alan's the puppeteer, I imagine you'll get there in fine style in the end...
He should probably be careful about LOL'ing you though!
We have kindred tendencies. I am quick to let you know if I feel funky. You know diet messes with your hormones. And at our age, anything messing with the hormones is going to put a rift in the space-time continuum.
I was just teasing.
At our age messing with hormones can be dangerous.
Yes, I know your adherance/compliance is near 100% , but I'm all about making a diet as comfortable as you can , while yielding the same physical results.
You are seeing great physical results, it's just mentally very hard on you..
It is and I am trying my best to figure it out. It cannot be just the low carbs so your pointers will help me troubleshoot. I am taking a few days off from the gym to work this through. Adding more fresh fruits and veges into the diet too. Hope this makes things better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bytsi
Wow... nice vent there! At least it ended positively.
I have to say, in the middle when you were saying you are "fat", I had an urge to smack you upside the head. But you seem to have gotten past that by the end... I am nowhere NEAR 20%... sheesh! I know it's more fat than you were last year, but seriously... you are NOT fat.
Low carbs can be a major mind fuck. But as you said in my log, just stick with the program. You KNOW that you'll get where you want to be and where you need to be, and since Alan's the puppeteer, I imagine you'll get there in fine style in the end...
He should probably be careful about LOL'ing you though!
Alan said nearly the same words as you. Especially the "You're not fat!" ones. Still I am not feeling very good right now. Today was a cold day in Oregon so I am back in baggy ass sweatshirts and feeling better overall.
So I have been thinking a lot about this. I am not sure if it is a bad thing, but I experimented a bit with an idea I had the last two days. It appears as though I can cut back my cals by around 250 a day without it being blantently obvious in the way that I report. At least I haven't been called out yet for it. I think it all just comes out as normal flux for the plan. If I am careful, I can do this for 3-5 days a week I think and likewise affect a change without really changing the overall plan per say. I don't think that 500-700 cals a week is going to completely ruin anything that Alan is doing but it may just push things in the right direction for me. I was going to ask permission for this, but think perhaps I'll beg forgiveness (if it is ever needed) after seeing what happens for a little while.
The scale is starting to move. I am back down to 132.4 today (from 133.8)
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodfromafar
At our age messing with hormones can be dangerous.
At the time it is happening it isn't so funny but it is the subject of so many great jokes isn't it?
__________________
The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
So I have been thinking a lot about this. I am not sure if it is a bad thing, but I experimented a bit with an idea I had the last two days. It appears as though I can cut back my cals by around 250 a day without it being blantently obvious in the way that I report. At least I haven't been called out yet for it. I think it all just comes out as normal flux for the plan. If I am careful, I can do this for 3-5 days a week I think and likewise affect a change without really changing the overall plan per say. I don't think that 500-700 cals a week is going to completely ruin anything that Alan is doing but it may just push things in the right direction for me. I was going to ask permission for this, but think perhaps I'll beg forgiveness (if it is ever needed) after seeing what happens for a little while.
The scale is starting to move. I am back down to 132.4 today (from 133.8)
Any chance Alan ever checks your blog? Cuz if he does, you are SOOOO busted
Interesting 'bout the baggy clothes... I've finally been wearing more fitted things lately, and I feel (not sure if it's reality or just a feeling) that I look thinner/smaller when I wear things that are more fitted... you don't like your look right now, so you're going baggier... just noticing
So I have been thinking a lot about this. I am not sure if it is a bad thing, but I experimented a bit with an idea I had the last two days. It appears as though I can cut back my cals by around 250 a day without it being blantently obvious in the way that I report. At least I haven't been called out yet for it. I think it all just comes out as normal flux for the plan. If I am careful, I can do this for 3-5 days a week I think and likewise affect a change without really changing the overall plan per say. I don't think that 500-700 cals a week is going to completely ruin anything that Alan is doing but it may just push things in the right direction for me. I was going to ask permission for this, but think perhaps I'll beg forgiveness (if it is ever needed) after seeing what happens for a little while.
Something for you to ponder (cuz this is your life).
When I read this, my first thought was that you are acting spoiled. But then I realized that you are acting out of concern/fear. While that may be the case, if I were Alan, I'd be likely to fire you for hiding it instead of telling him what you intend to do. I just can't see the good in doing that.
__________________ Just because your mother thinks you're special doesn't mean I do
My thought is that it's not about whether he stops by here or not. It's about the dynamic you create once you decide to start withholding information. I'm not saying I've never had that urge. Of course I have. Hell, I've had the urge to outright lie. But I sure don't recommend turning those thoughts into actions.
Take a deep breath. Remember that he and you are in this together, and that he IS on your side. Remember that you are an adult and that he isn't MAKING you do anything that you aren't choosing. (Even if it doesn't feel that way.) And most of all, remember that the fact that you are even thinking about shading the truth shows how much you are off balance. This is information he needs if you are going to work together.
But whatever you do, take care of yourself. I'm not usually a huggy person, but reading your post just makes me want to send you a big virtual hug because you are clearly so stressed.
__________________
"Time and patience are the 2 elements that most people don't include in their plans."
-Alan Aragon
"The scale simply tells you how much the earth loves you on a particular day."
-Ogedei (Keith)
You guys are right. I was thinking it to be okay because it isn't really OFF plan rather a different way of using the flux of any plan. In the bulk I always hit or go over my plan. I have been doing that in this cut too. So I turned it around and went under instead by about the same amount that I have currently been going over. I don't think Alan will stress out about this because he told me if I am not hungry I can not eat. This is simply not eating only more planned. It reads badly though when I read it back. I am very screwed up in my head right now...
Tomorrow I am going to LA to visit my daughter. I am also going to visit my ex. He and I had a really amazing relationship for 14 or so years. Our parting was very peaceful and we have remaind dear friends since. Even so I never really got over him. I haven't seen him in about 3 or 4 years now. I think that is part of this whole equation here and has to be considered. (Not making excuses just saying what is possibly hurting me)
Alan doesn't come to the logs. Especially not this time of the month because he is pretty heads down with AARR starting this week. There really isn't any chance that he will see this unless somebody points him to it. (Also pretty low chance) That said, I agree with your logic Tracy and Jennifer. I need to come out with what I am doing and why. Going to 10% bf and showing are not goals that I can do alone. I need my team and I need to start trusting and stop sabatoging.
I know that I am only a silly milimeter away from ED and I fight internally all the time to eat and to stay healthy and on plan. The bulk is terrifying for me but it is more black/white so easier to stay on path. The cut, on the other hand, is the place where my urges (sickness) to be thin begin to take over and get really unhealthy. All I want to do is not eat and run or ride or cardio of some sort. I have to follow this program and goals through though and I have to do it healthy so that I can prove to myself and teach myself that it can be done. And more importantly that it can be done the "right" way. I have to start trusting myself too. I have come a really long way so far and am not stopping now.
Yeah... I am pretty fucked up right now.
Thanks for the hugs Jennifer. I will take all that you got right now.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
I'm sorry Karla that you are walking so close to the edge of an outright ED.
Since you are really such a meticulous science-oriented person I'd urge you to really sit back and take a scientific approach to it.. you are the guinea-pig and Alan the mad (& clever) scientist.
Doesn't say you can't manipulate a few things, like replacing some starches for fruits and exploring supplements /micronutrients that make you feel better.
Meanwhile another big hug for you and wishing you a good visit to your ex-partner.
Guys I cannot express how much all your support means to me. Today is a new day. I did my confession with my nightly report and Alan responded and it is all cool. He said he saw what was going on and it was too subtle to call it out which is exactly the way I planned for it to be. I wanted to affect some change without setting off alarms or destroying the program. I did not HIDE the numbers from him, only did not tell him that it was intentional. The good news about all of this is that I am getting smart about the subtle manipulations and am working towards being on my own with these learning.
Alan also took the time to assure me that he has his eye on EVERYTHING that is going on and that my job needs to be to relax, go with the flow and realize that I am NOT fat (for cripes sake).
I am taking some down time from the gym right now. It is for physical reasons, not mental though the timing allows me to dip a bit lower in calories and stay on the plan so it all works out. I am proud of myself right now for taking this time off because I am listening to my body for a change and not pushing through..
Uh oh. Plane is loading... Hafta go!
See what you guys get when I log ALL my ups and downs? This is much more interesting than my last cut log, eh? LOL!
Thanks again for all the support!!!
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
Good to read your latest update.. you do sound a lot better.
Now you mention taking time off training I'm seeing you are also probably close to being overtrained,as it is HARD to train in a deficit and you've been pushing a lot of weight lately!
Was wondering if the diet doesn't rev you up so much (adrenalin system) that this is the cause of you getting stronger.. OTOH it can wipe you out too, which is what I observed after 1 day of near-fasting.. felt wonderful that day but was a zombie for 2 days afterwards until diving head first into food.
I'm sure you'll feel a ton better after some downtime from the gym
Have fun!
Very long post because I am once again high above the world and enjoying the peaceful views
of snow covered mountain tops and pristine lakes. Our country is pretty danged beautiful.
I have a profound appreciation for all that is here due to my being an exchange student in
high school and my subsequent travels throughout the world. Traveling is so different now
then it was when I first started. My first flight was in the 10th grade, (more than 30
years ago mind you) It was to Germany where I stayed for over a year and attended school.
It was such a big adventure and I have never stopped since it seems. I honestly do not have
the wanderlust that I had in my youth but I do sort of appreciate the travel I do even if
for business.
Today was the first time in a VERY long time that I flew commercial. The airplane and the
seats feel big. lol. It was actually sort of fun being in the airport and seeing all the
variety of people and the culture. When you fly Intel private jets there is nothing but
Intel people and that is a very small world. On the shuttle from the economy lot, I made
conversation with these two very funny ladies who were obviously dressed for the warm
weather despite it being very cool in Portland. They were headed to Las Vegas obviously on
a girl's trip and were quite excited. Great energy!
I got through the secuirty lines and stopped to appreaciate and to marvel at all the new
things that are currently available for people to consume. One of the more interesting new
(to me) concepts was a kiosk that allowed you to download movies onto a laptop for 3 bucks.
The download had a timer algorithm that gave the consumer 24 hours in which to watch the
movie before it expired. BRILLIANT concept of making software out of a typically hardware
thing! I saw one of the wireless projection systems working a few gates down and smiled
with deep satisfaction because I have two patents for that paticular device from my time at
a compmay called InFocus a few years ago. That too was a BRILLIANT idea of taking a
formally hardware thing and making it software. I was fortunate and honored to be a part of
the team that delivered that invention. I remember my first patent submission like it was
yesterday. The idea came to me on my second margarita one night. What a thrill to put it
on paper and later to prototype and finally to production. I am proud to say that the
concepts from that project are also embedded in all manners of technology today. I love
software. I love bleeding edge technology and business. It is my passion outside of all my
other hobbies. At my core, I am a huge geek.
Speaking of geek, I am sitting on the plane typing on my netbook. I just got finished
watching a few episodes of Cops (what a crack up) on my Scandisk player and am now listening
to Bach. The lady to my left has a portable dvd player and is watching some period movie.
Wow has travel changed in 30 years! Have you ever stopped to marvel and appreciate how
lucky we are to be a part of this sort of information evolution!?
I am processing some things today in the peace of having the day off and not having to run
or be part of meetings. I think I am moving forward on some of the issues that plague me.
Besides the incident this morning at the airport I had several other "trigger" events happen
this week that I have to wrap my head around. It all comes down to me accepting the "new"
me. The me I said I wanted to become but am stuggling with accepting for some reason. I
think it is just a matter of me breaking through the old body images and learning to embrace
the stranger in the mirror. The anorexic Karla, the fat Karla, the skinny fat Karla all
must die or at least not haunt me. That is the journey I am on today and it feels rather
good today to be on this journey because I know that for all the pain and struggle this is,
that great things are on the other side if I can just stay on course.
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The BIGGER I get the smaller you look
WTF? I guess I have to start shopping at the bbing store for clothing that fits. I made a mild attempt at educating myself about jeans. I tried on several pair of the ladies size 26-29 in various name brands but just did not find anything that fit me correctly. They all seemed to fit weird. too tight here and/or too loose there. Also the whole hemming thing.... Ughh... (though that is the reason I shop Nords 'cause they have an on-site tailor) I finally decided to go to the Juniors section and that is where I found a pair of jeans that fit me correctly enough that I could live with for today. They were not hundreds of dollars so probably not worthy of the more refined tastes here but at least I have another pair to sort of hold me over until I drop down another 10 or so lbs. (aaaaaaarrgghhhh) They are somewhat longish but not so long that I cannot wear them any damn way and get away with it. LOL! I also found a light weight jacket that sort of looks okay despite my weird ass body shape right now and so life was made a little better by having clothing that better fit me and was season specific. It is okay to bulk in the winter because you can wear your baggy ass sweat shirts and business suits and that sort of thing but in the summer..... Different story entirely.
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