Time for some R.E.P.A.I.R.

[marthand99]

Originally Posted by Deserve

Maybe all that repairing has done your body some more good.

Huh. I never even thought of that.

That's why I keep you around.

[marthand99]

So I just talked to Leigh. She is so nice and so helpful, and great about answering all my questions. I have about a page full of notes that I took!

Most of my questions centered around "okay, what to do now?" She told me to go ahead and exercise more, but keep it more moderate, at least until I get a period. Like avoid supersets, and get the rest in, but don't be afraid to lift weights and go for a run.

We talked about what kind of macros I should shoot for in maintenance (45%ish carbs and split the protein and fat). Also about learning to listen to my body and understand where I'm at in terms of energy balance - I have to say that REPAIR has really helped with that, because in 8 weeks I've eaten at 6 different calorie levels and now I know how they all feel.

What she said that really surprised me that was I can be in a deficit, safely, if I want to. She said that if I'm not happy with my body, if I wanted to look like Jennifer Aniston (that's the example I gave her of my "ideal" - sort of a yoga instructor meets runner), then I should just get in, lose a little fat, and get it over with.

So now the million dollar question is am I happy with my body?

Here's the thing. When I started trying to lose weight, at let's say 180 pounds, my goal was to get back to my "normal chub" weight of 165. When I hit 165, I was like, hmm. This is great! But you know what would be greater? 10 more pounds! So I lost 10 more pounds. And so on and so on until 135. The question I need to figure out for myself is, is it ever going to be enough? Is there really a spot I'll hit where I'm like, damn, bitches! I'm fiiiiine! If so, then I think she's absolutely right. Or is it always going to be a liiiiitle more that I need to lose to be "perfect"? Because I used to be happy right where I am.

So I just need to decide whether my head or body needs to be "fixed." LOL Good thing I have a therapy appointment tonight!

[Deserve]

Originally Posted by marthand99

Huh. I never even thought of that.

That's why I keep you around.

I have my uses. Not many but I have a few.

[Karen411]

I'm looking forward to reading what you decide to do next and how everything goes for you. And, glad that you asked what "the spoon" was about, LOL, because I was totally lost and ready to re-read all the posts of the last several days to figure it out.

[jesca]

Originally Posted by marthand99

Hi T! Book club is awesome. We named our club "The Sham" because our husbands think it's a sham and all we do is drink wine. But we really do talk about the book. This month the book was The Omnivore's Dilemma and it was a really interesting discussion.

Awesome! I am reading it between doing a gajillion other things. It is both scary and eye opening (in a good way). I wish I had more time to devote to it right now, but I'm kind of busy with everything else. I'm thinking August will be a great time for me to catch up on it.

Originally Posted by Deserve

Maybe all that repairing has done your body some more good.

Totally agree this is a possibility. I'm starting to notice that meds are affecting me the way that other people experience them, and not some whacked out way that everyone thinks is crazy. I think that normalizing is an awesome "side effect"

Originally Posted by marthand99

So now the million dollar question is am I happy with my body?

So I just need to decide whether my head or body needs to be "fixed." LOL Good thing I have a therapy appointment tonight!

Here's the thing I feel I will forever be struggling with. I want to "get in and get out" too, but I'm afraid I won't know when to get out.
Perhaps the decision you need to make is not whether you need to lose more weight, but whether you need to lose weight or firm up? Are you upset with the amount of fat that is on you now (we all need some!) or are you upset that you're just a little jiggly. The jiggle that could be fixed by putting some tight muscles there. Personally, that was a lot of my issue when I was younger/thinner. I was skinny fat and I wish I had realized I just needed to lift and not needed to lose weight. Now that I know, it might be easier to decide when to get out. I dunno', I guess we'll see when I come to it, cuz I could just be talkin' outta' my ass.

[tcoy777]

I agree with Jesca. I would think of it on those terms, body composition rather then body weight. I was totally scared to death starting NROL and gaining too much fat. I fought so hard not to let the scale budge upward. When it did I would run faster or longer to burn what I thought was just fat. Just this week people have been asking me if I am losing weight again. NO I AM NOT. From when I started NROL in November to today, I have gained 8 pounds. Not a impressive number by anyone who is trying to gain weight, but from a former fat kid trying not to be fat man, I am happy with it. Specially that other see me as still being skinny.

I think that would be a good starting point for you. Look to see if you want to tighten up or build muscle mass. Do it for a period, then maybe to quick cut. Either way I know your going to kick those evil bastard demons to the curb!!!

[gobbla]

Jessica nailed the "there is no spoon" +2pts, collect 10 and you win a free parachuting army trooper!

Shiner Bock "is" very acceptable and yes I am "much" prettier than Gabe.

I might be alone on this one, but from your pic losing additional weight wouldn't be on my big list of things to do. "Old Jennifer Aniston" is smokin. "New Jennifer Aniston" looks like she's in dire need of a sandwich, but you'd have to keep an eye on her if she ate it to make sure she didn't throw it up, which would be a giant pain in the ass so you'd track down Jessica Beil and hit up the waffle house. Having a little jiggle is freaking hot.

I'd ponder some hard core leg movements. You've already got nice shoulders\arms\midsection. A little more leg mass will continue the hourglass look.

[SpacecityPaula]

I love me some Shiner Bock. The blonde and the Heifenwizen isn't bad either. too bad beer makes me bloat up though.

[Bytsi]

Originally Posted by gobbla

I might be alone on this one, but from your pic losing additional weight wouldn't be on my big list of things to do. "Old Jennifer Aniston" is smokin. "New Jennifer Aniston" looks like she's in dire need of a sandwich, but you'd have to keep an eye on her if she ate it to make sure she didn't throw it up, which would be a giant pain in the ass so you'd track down Jessica Beil and hit up the waffle house. Having a little jiggle is freaking hot.

I'm not a guy, but love this post! I agree - if Leigh asked me for my ideal, it would not be "hollywood" skinny at all - feed those girls, please!!! I want an athlete's body, with curves coming from strong muscles! I need to find a pic of my "ideal", but boney / skinny and ready to pass out all the time??? No thanks!

[Karen411]

I gotta agree with Bytsi and gobbla (since I can't remember his name right now I'm not even gonna guess ) that while I understand the runner/yoga look you'd like, IMO, getting to Jennifer Anniston's current shape would be too thin. You look really good now and balancing out your lower/upper body like gobbla said could work to make you happier with the shape you already are.

[Deserve]

All good advice.

[GinnyLou]

X4

I totally agree with the above statements.

Glad you talked to Leigh. Good stuff and you sound really good about it all.

[foodfromafar]

Great thoughts, everyone! Marty, I'm glad to hear you are feeling so much better overall! Can't wait to hear what you decide is best for YOU!

[marthand99]

Originally Posted by jesca

Here's the thing I feel I will forever be struggling with. I want to "get in and get out" too, but I'm afraid I won't know when to get out.
Perhaps the decision you need to make is not whether you need to lose more weight, but whether you need to lose weight or firm up? Are you upset with the amount of fat that is on you now (we all need some!) or are you upset that you're just a little jiggly. The jiggle that could be fixed by putting some tight muscles there. Personally, that was a lot of my issue when I was younger/thinner. I was skinny fat and I wish I had realized I just needed to lift and not needed to lose weight. Now that I know, it might be easier to decide when to get out. I dunno', I guess we'll see when I come to it, cuz I could just be talkin' outta' my ass.

Originally Posted by tcoy777

I agree with Jesca. I would think of it on those terms, body composition rather then body weight. I was totally scared to death starting NROL and gaining too much fat. I fought so hard not to let the scale budge upward. When it did I would run faster or longer to burn what I thought was just fat. Just this week people have been asking me if I am losing weight again. NO I AM NOT. From when I started NROL in November to today, I have gained 8 pounds. Not a impressive number by anyone who is trying to gain weight, but from a former fat kid trying not to be fat man, I am happy with it. Specially that other see me as still being skinny.

I think that would be a good starting point for you. Look to see if you want to tighten up or build muscle mass. Do it for a period, then maybe to quick cut. Either way I know your going to kick those evil bastard demons to the curb!!!

Originally Posted by gobbla

Jessica nailed the "there is no spoon" +2pts, collect 10 and you win a free parachuting army trooper!

Shiner Bock "is" very acceptable and yes I am "much" prettier than Gabe.

I might be alone on this one, but from your pic losing additional weight wouldn't be on my big list of things to do. "Old Jennifer Aniston" is smokin. "New Jennifer Aniston" looks like she's in dire need of a sandwich, but you'd have to keep an eye on her if she ate it to make sure she didn't throw it up, which would be a giant pain in the ass so you'd track down Jessica Beil and hit up the waffle house. Having a little jiggle is freaking hot.

I'd ponder some hard core leg movements. You've already got nice shoulders\arms\midsection. A little more leg mass will continue the hourglass look.

Originally Posted by SpacecityPaula

I love me some Shiner Bock. The blonde and the Heifenwizen isn't bad either. too bad beer makes me bloat up though.

Originally Posted by Bytsi

I'm not a guy, but love this post! I agree - if Leigh asked me for my ideal, it would not be "hollywood" skinny at all - feed those girls, please!!! I want an athlete's body, with curves coming from strong muscles! I need to find a pic of my "ideal", but boney / skinny and ready to pass out all the time??? No thanks!

Originally Posted by Deserve

All good advice.

Originally Posted by GinnyLou

X4

I totally agree with the above statements.

Glad you talked to Leigh. Good stuff and you sound really good about it all.

Originally Posted by foodfromafar

Great thoughts, everyone! Marty, I'm glad to hear you are feeling so much better overall! Can't wait to hear what you decide is best for YOU!

You guys are awesome!!!! Thank you so much for your input and support. You seriously gave me a nice boost of self-confidence.

On Thursday night, I talked to my therapist. She kind of started to get a concerned look on her face when I started talking about maybe wanting to lose 5 or 10 pounds and then started asking me questions like, what do you think that having that Jennifer Aniston-esque body will do for you? etc. Basically I had no answer for them. It just sounded like something I "should" be, or "should" want, I guess. And we're trying to get away from the shoulds (and my need to be perfect in both my eyes and other people's eyes) and just do what I really want to do.

So I made a list of what I really, honestly, want for my body and my life. In order, here they are:

1) I would like to be healthy. Not get sick all the time, not feel dizzy and weak, have normal periods and be able to get myself knocked up.

2) I would like to be in good shape. Able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, able to run, swim, bike, and play sports. (Got this one.)

3) I would like to not count calories. I would like to not constantly worry about my weight while at the same time not gaining any. (A little vigilance is okay. Calculating calorie totals of every appetizer at a party is not.)

4) I would like to be able to run a 10 minute mile. (My normal pace is 12 min/mile, but in races I've done 11 min/miles.)

5) I would like my very upper thighs to be a little smaller.

6) I would like to try doing a triathlon.

7) I would like to be "better" at yoga. (I know, Sara Ivanhoe says it's not a competition. I guess I mean "I would like to improve my practice.")

8) I would like to try some martial arts again to see if I like it.

Only one of those has to do with appearance and weight, and frankly, I don't want it enough to diet down to the level I would need to be at. On the PN forums, people are always asking "how badly do you want it?" and my answer is, eh. If it was going to be easy to achieve, fine. But it would be a lot of effort, and I'd rather eat. (Plus I think my therapist and husband would kill me if I went on a diet, but whatever. I turned it around on my therapist that I have to do what I want to do and not what she wants me to do. She thought that was funny.)

[marthand99]

So ... that's it! I'm done with REPAIR!!

(I didn't log the last couple of days because I wanted to step away and think for a while about what I really wanted going forward. I did get the workouts and food in. Yesterday I went swimming in Lake Michigan with some friends who are doing a triathlon in two weeks and it was SO FUN. As long as I didn't think about the fungal infections I was probably contracting.)

This program has changed my life. I won't go into it all again, I've babbled enough throughout this log. But physically and psychologically I am in such better shape than I was eight weeks ago. I'm healthy and just feel great. I'm excited for life.