Time for some R.E.P.A.I.R.

[tcoy777]

Congrats. I am glad this program is working so well for you. Your well on your way!!

[marthand99]

This is probably going to be a pretty embarrassing post. Did I mention I'm bored out of my mind at work today and highly caffeinated?

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is my body image. I have been concerned with weight for as long as I can remember. I remember going on my first diet when I was in first grade - I had a little belly, just baby fat, really. My two best friends were stick thin, though, and I wanted to be like them.

As I got older, I got better at dieting. My "normal" weight was 165, which on me was a size 14. Senior year of high school, I lost maybe 20 pounds, which I gained back before leaving for college. Freshman year of college, I was too nervous to eat, and lost 15 pounds. Then I got a boyfriend and was really happy, and gained that back and more. Etc.

My eating disorder this time stemmed from my fear that once again I'd gain the weight back. I was scrupulous about "no slippery slope" - the other times, first I'd stop exercising, just missing a workout or ten, then I'd start eating crappier, and the next thing you know I'd be rationalizing that I wasn't gaining weight, my clothes had just shrunk in the dryer. All of them!

I think I've got that part of things under control. I think I'm ready to try doing normal maintenance. But part of me just wants to try to lose a liiiittle more weight. Do Metaburn, or maybe Red Carpet Ready. I'm more or less happy with my size, but my thighs are still a little jiggly. You know?

However, if my primary concern is getting over the amenorrhea and getting myself knocked up, which it is, any weight loss is going to have to wait until I have a couple of normal periods. Until then, it's maintenanceville for me. No energy deficit.

Below are two pictures of me (that I can't figure out how to resize, sorry), the first taken in May 2004 (ignore the giant head plz thanx) at about 180-185 pounds, the second at about 135, the week before I started REPAIR. I'm posting them to force myself to see how far I've come. That in May 2004 I didn't even think it was possible for me to wear a bikini. That I would have killed for the body I have now. And that's it's good enough. Jiggly thighs notwithstanding.

[marthand99]

Originally Posted by tcoy777

Congrats. I am glad this program is working so well for you. Your well on your way!!

Thanks T!

[jesca]

Marty! You're a hotty girl! You have nothing to worry about, that is fo' sho'.
I do understand how you're feeling though. When my Grandmother passed all these old pictures surfaced so that we could make a collage for the funeral (it was this past December) and there were some from when I was about 15 and weighed around 135. I cannot believe how skinny I was or how good I looked! I also cannot believe that I felt fat then and was always "dieting" whether it was effective or not. I would do just about anything to get back down to that weight. It's so hard to see when you're in it, what you actually look like, and we just have to remember how far we've come.

You've come a long way, baby (hello cheesy cigarette add from the 80s!)

[LWilson212]

Hey Marty-

First off, you look great! Second, is that your house? Those hardwood floors are gorgeous, and all that light coming in the windows! I'm drooling. No wonder your MIL doesn't want to leave.

I remember when I was in high school having gotten down to around 165 and feeling like I looked okay, but still too self-conscious to wear shorts or jeans or a short skirt. When I got up to 200 I looked at those pictures and I was so mad at myself that I had not appreciated what I had at the time. I swore if I ever got that small again I would think I was the hottest thing around! Well of course it doesn't work that way, but I am trying. I think there has to be a place where you may still be trying to make minor adjustments, but at the same time you can sit back and feel sexy and be happy with yourself. I guess that's what we're all trying to find.

BTW: I don't think your thighs are jiggly, for what its worth.

[Bytsi]

Marty - you're doing so well... every time you type about your emotional journey, I can see the progress you're making in conquering those demons.

In college, I weighed 105# when I started (I'm 5'2"). I thought I was fat, even though I ate tons (oh, to be able to eat like that and not be fat!!!) and had no clue about nutrition. I gained a ton in college (for reasons I won't go into here, but physical and emotional causes). Struggled with weight ever since... and body image.

If only we could just appreciate and love our bodies - especially the STRONG and HEALTHY bodies we are creating. So easy to criticize and pick 'em apart... and you do NOT have "jiggly thighs"!!!

[tcoy777]

I second the previous comments. Way to go! Its not easy to see yourself as others do, but over time you will start being more comfortable in your own skin. Congrats.

[misstenacity]

Originally Posted by marthand99

(700ish calories from starch - great googly moogly!)

Ha! I see you're a Skwigg devotee as well.

Anyway, have a WONDERFUL stuff yerself week - I'll be about 8 days behind you and lots of the emotional things you're writing about are happening to me, as well, but at a lower level. I feel a little better, a little more stable.... but not a big change.

Maybe I should go do some more foam rolling.

Mmmmm, pain au chocolat....

[Karen411]

Marty, I have been reading this thread kind of in hit and miss (like everyone else's), but I just read through the whole thing to get an idea of REPAIR and you've pushed me off the fence into getting it. I really enjoyed reading your journey start to finish and you're doing so well! Also, you look wonderful!

[marthand99]

Originally Posted by Karen411

Marty, I have been reading this thread kind of in hit and miss (like everyone else's), but I just read through the whole thing to get an idea of REPAIR and you've pushed me off the fence into getting it. I really enjoyed reading your journey start to finish and you're doing so well! Also, you look wonderful!

Karen, thanks for commenting! I'm glad you are getting the Metabolic Repair Manual. And thanks so much for your nice thoughts!

Originally Posted by misstenacity

Ha! I see you're a Skwigg devotee as well.

Anyway, have a WONDERFUL stuff yerself week - I'll be about 8 days behind you and lots of the emotional things you're writing about are happening to me, as well, but at a lower level. I feel a little better, a little more stable.... but not a big change.

Maybe I should go do some more foam rolling.

Mmmmm, pain au chocolat....

I LOVE Skwigg! Definitely my favorite blog. And now I can't stop saying great googly moogly. LOL

Thanks Andrea! BTW - I'm making my way through articles you sent me. Thanks again for those.

Originally Posted by tcoy777

I second the previous comments. Way to go! Its not easy to see yourself as others do, but over time you will start being more comfortable in your own skin. Congrats.

thanks T! Thanks for all your support through the whole 8 weeks. It means a lot.

Originally Posted by Bytsi

Marty - you're doing so well... every time you type about your emotional journey, I can see the progress you're making in conquering those demons.

In college, I weighed 105# when I started (I'm 5'2"). I thought I was fat, even though I ate tons (oh, to be able to eat like that and not be fat!!!) and had no clue about nutrition. I gained a ton in college (for reasons I won't go into here, but physical and emotional causes). Struggled with weight ever since... and body image.

If only we could just appreciate and love our bodies - especially the STRONG and HEALTHY bodies we are creating. So easy to criticize and pick 'em apart... and you do NOT have "jiggly thighs"!!!

Thanks Bytsi! This is what I need to remember - strong and healthy!! Not jiggly. Appreciating and loving the body I have is exactly what I need to work on.

Originally Posted by LWilson212

Hey Marty-

First off, you look great! Second, is that your house? Those hardwood floors are gorgeous, and all that light coming in the windows! I'm drooling. No wonder your MIL doesn't want to leave.

I remember when I was in high school having gotten down to around 165 and feeling like I looked okay, but still too self-conscious to wear shorts or jeans or a short skirt. When I got up to 200 I looked at those pictures and I was so mad at myself that I had not appreciated what I had at the time. I swore if I ever got that small again I would think I was the hottest thing around! Well of course it doesn't work that way, but I am trying. I think there has to be a place where you may still be trying to make minor adjustments, but at the same time you can sit back and feel sexy and be happy with yourself. I guess that's what we're all trying to find.

BTW: I don't think your thighs are jiggly, for what its worth.

Hi Leah! Thanks!

You said it perfectly - that is how I felt every time I yo-yoed. Never satisfied when I was thinner, but mad at myself for not appreciating it when I was bigger. I think you're right about finding that balance. We'll get there.

Yes, that is my house! Thanks! My husband is a lawyer and moonlights as a real estate agent and had all these really high standards for where we would live. I was like, um, my current apartment is 500 square feet and in an retirement community where I have to fight old ladies for the washing machine - I like EVERYTHING. So I should give him the credit.

Originally Posted by jesca

Marty! You're a hotty girl! You have nothing to worry about, that is fo' sho'.
I do understand how you're feeling though. When my Grandmother passed all these old pictures surfaced so that we could make a collage for the funeral (it was this past December) and there were some from when I was about 15 and weighed around 135. I cannot believe how skinny I was or how good I looked! I also cannot believe that I felt fat then and was always "dieting" whether it was effective or not. I would do just about anything to get back down to that weight. It's so hard to see when you're in it, what you actually look like, and we just have to remember how far we've come.

You've come a long way, baby (hello cheesy cigarette add from the 80s!)

Jes, thanks! Old pictures are so crazy to look at. When I look back, I catch myself defining periods in my life by what weight I was. Which is silly! And it's funny, some of the happiest times of my life have been when I was bigger.

Thanks for all your support during this. I feel like a crazy emotional roller coaster sometimes and it really helps to know that you and Andrea are going through things like this too.

[marthand99]

Activity:
Resistance Training Day #1

Warmup - Non-specific warmup from NROL4W

Squats 15/22.5s 15/22.5s 15/22.5s (stay)
Swiss Ball Jacknifes 15 15 15
Reverse Lunge 15/17.5s 15/17.5s 15/17.5s (stay)
Neutral-grip Shoulder Press 15/10s 15/10s 15/10s (try increasing)
DB Pullover 15/17.5 15/17.5 15/17.5 (stay)
DB Bench Press 15/12.5s 15/12.5s 15/12.5s (try increasing)
Reverse Crunch 15 15 15

Cool-down - Stretching

Forgot to foam roll. Will do tonight.

Also a crapload of NEAT yesterday. Finally commandeered my kitchen back from MIL and made a stew and some rhubarb bread. Also shopping, laundry, cleaning, and a long walk with the pups. Barely sat down all day except to eat.

Food:
I promised my therapist I would try to go one day this week without planning and tracking food, just eating intuitively and listening to my body. I told her that every time I've ever done that I have promptly gained at least 5 pounds. She said I need to start trusting myself and do I want to spend the rest of my life plugging food into fitday from my iPhone?

So here is what I ate, no idea on calorie totals or macros. I basically ate what I wanted when I was hungry, stopped when full, and then went to bed totally stuffed, so hopefully that is good.
Handful of strawberries
Lightfull satiety smoothie
coffee with cream
1 mini chocolate crossiant
1/2 mini nut roll type thing
assorted fruit
a little poached salmon and one shrimp with cocktail sauce
assorted vegetables
2 small bowls of coffee-flavored ice cream with a litle chocolate sauce
1/2 cheese sandwich
poached egg on toast
PWO shake
poached egg on toast
licked the spatula of the rhubarb bread batter
1 grilled peach
1 16oz Miller Lite High Life (it's the champagne of beers, yo)
1/2 cheese sandwich
Fage 2% yogurt with blueberries and blackberries
rhubarb bread

Pre-workout nutrition was poached egg on toast.
Post-workout nutrition was protein shake with a banana.

Today I will track to make sure I hit the calories and macros.

Sleep: Crappy sleep, anxious and awake a lot of the night. Was in bed for 9 hours, does that count for anything? 3mg melatonin.

Water/Potassium/sodium: Good.

Probiotics/enzymes/fish oil/multivitamin/BCAAs: Forgot everything. Back on a schedule today.

Emotionally: Oh geez. Yesterday was not good. I'm really nervous about my doctor's appointment on Wednesday and have convinced myself that I have premature ovarian failure. I know, I know. I banned myself from the internet and tried to keep busy all day, but I couldn't get my mind off of it and I couldn't sleep.

It's funny how every time I start a new stage I get a little emotional and need to adjust.

Reading everyone's nice thoughts really helped, though. Thanks, guys - seriously, all your comments meant a lot.

[Deserve]

OK, Marty. Congrats on making it through the the Repair. It will be interesting to see you go the rest of the way.

You're looking great. Keep it up. Trust yourself.

I forgot to mention I'm more of a beer guy than a brandy and cigar type but hey at least you recognize the need to be diverse and inclusive.

[misstenacity]

Originally Posted by marthand99

Activity:
Resistance Training Day #1

Warmup - Non-specific warmup from NROL4W

Squats 15/22.5s 15/22.5s 15/22.5s (stay)
Swiss Ball Jacknifes 15 15 15
Reverse Lunge 15/17.5s 15/17.5s 15/17.5s (stay)
Neutral-grip Shoulder Press 15/10s 15/10s 15/10s (try increasing)
DB Pullover 15/17.5 15/17.5 15/17.5 (stay)
DB Bench Press 15/12.5s 15/12.5s 15/12.5s (try increasing)
Reverse Crunch 15 15 15

Cool-down - Stretching

I forgot to ask this earlier - I was wondering if you're doing the 3 sets of each exercise with 1 min inbetween, and then going on to the next exercise (kind of like BFL)?

I think I held on to some of the Turbulence or Berardi theories and I am/was doing each body group sequentially, like this:
1 set squat, 1 set lunge (then repeat 3 times)
1 set bench press, 1 set row, 1 set overhead press (then repeat thrice)
....etc.

Am I backwards?

[marthand99]

Originally Posted by Deserve

OK, Marty. Congrats on making it through the the Repair. It will be interesting to see you go the rest of the way.

You're looking great. Keep it up. Trust yourself.

I forgot to mention I'm more of a beer guy than a brandy and cigar type but hey at least you recognize the need to be diverse and inclusive.

LOL. My beer of choice is Miller Lite, which I have a feeling might not be highbrow enough for you? What can I say, I'm a Wisconsin girl.

Originally Posted by misstenacity

I forgot to ask this earlier - I was wondering if you're doing the 3 sets of each exercise with 1 min inbetween, and then going on to the next exercise (kind of like BFL)?

I think I held on to some of the Turbulence or Berardi theories and I am/was doing each body group sequentially, like this:
1 set squat, 1 set lunge (then repeat 3 times)
1 set bench press, 1 set row, 1 set overhead press (then repeat thrice)
....etc.

Am I backwards?

I have been doing 3 sets of each exercises with 1 minute in between, then resting 2 minutes, then the next exercise. I don't really like doing it this way and would rather be doing it the way you are. I don't think it matters so much, though??