Aoife In Wonderland

[Deserve]

Just do something.

[Aoife]

I plan to.
Just gonna do a bunch of upper stuff.

Actually things are moving along. Slowly, but along. If I don't work out, I don't eat as much. It's not like I have huge crazy power burning workouts. So maybe I burn 200... that is just 200 less if I don't work out.

No, I don't track calories from workouts and think anything of them.

Plus I'm doing more around the house, when I'm not icing, to make up for it.

I had been working under the practice that if I didn't get a lift in earlier and it's too late to lift, then it's time to cardio before bed. But last night I couldn't do that. Fortunately, today I'm still down .2 so... (it's only good in that it's not up).

[UConnJulie]

Kudos on the downward trend!

[Aoife]

thx

It's been a couple days, because it just wasn't happening for a leg day or cardio with my calf being a pain in the ass, and then because I just didn't feel up to an upper body day. But, by compensating with my diet, I'm down nearly a pound from my last workout a few days ago. So basically, I'm ok with that.

Took it light. It's been long enough since the last day 1 to just do it again, and since it's not squats, which was coming next, I actually did it. Cardio was quite light. I could have gone longer, but the calf was starting to twinge so I decided to not push it.



music:
nymphomania - inkubus sukkubus
red down the middle - prosolar mechanics
be like water - sarah fimm
sympathy for the devil - stones (duh)
it's too late - synthetic dream foundation
figured you out - nickelback
tempted - collide



music:
rev 22:20 - puscifer
obsession - collide
welcome to the end - celldweller
parabol/parabola - tool


yes, the music was a bit mellow. Kept me from pushing too hard, and it just happened that way. It's literally what came up on high rated shuffle. Which goes to prove I only have good shit on my ipod.

the muxtape (which, of course, replaces the previous one)

[sidonia]

About the calf...Sometimes when I am on the elliptical I tend to ride on my toes a bit...and it freaks out my calves...then I have to realize it and reposition...just a thought...that's just me tho! I hope yours stops tweaking out soon...

[Aoife]

I think I've narrowed it down to a combination of 2 things, and it's MUCH better so I'm not too worried (but no squats today). 1) in addition to everything else I did the day I tweaked it, I did 20 minutes of "free step" on the wii, and while that alone would be fine… 2) my right knee was bothering me so I almost always led with the left foot. For 20 minutes. Doesn't matter that the little step thing is only 3 inches high, it's enough to have made a problem. So between that and the few other things I had going on that day... BLAMMO.

For the elliptical, it's not really a problem much. Because in the past-past my knee would bother me, I started spending the first couple minutes purposefully firing my glutes as I worked. The quad barely did anything. Come off feeling great, no knee or other soreness. After those couple minutes, it just goes on it's own the right way, and whenever I check in is still good.

I've had to do a lot of posterior work to make this knee thing go away, which is why I think I need to change the current program a bit because the knee owie is starting to come back, meaning too much quad work. We'll see.







Anywho...
Today I am down .8 from yesterday, and I'd LOVE for that particular trend to continue... but it won't because I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna easily lose 8 pounds every 10 days. Oh well. Still, was nice and I'm hoping that id I can see a .4 per day that'd be extra swell.

I had a lovely breakfast of veggie and fauxmeet pizza that was about 400 calories... me lo gusta. Twas hyooge... the wrap I used was like 12x8 inches, and it was STACKED. Better than my usual of balance bar and pop.

Eating has been pretty spot on, at the moment I'm worried about calories, not macros. Macros aren't usually important to me simply becuase I kinda just naturally get enough protein and fat, and usually my diet is high carb because I'm a veggie... (about 50%). So since my carbs are mostly complex and fiberous (or just plain veggies) I'm not terribly worried about it.

I likely need to plan food more, so that i'm not always totaling at various points of the day. I'm working on it, but really I don't think about food much, I just wait till I notice I'm hungry (or Otto notices I'm all spacey and shit and asks if I've eaten lately) and then eat something small. *shrug*

My method of fatness is just in excess coupled with lack of exercise/movement. I really don't need a whole pizza myself, even if it is only medium. Why I do this when I know better is simple. I don't really pay attention and like the taste.

What I've been thinking about is that I don't seem to train while not in a deficit. I did for a bit, when I was maintaining at 125 for that couple years. But on the whole, I don't train much if I'm eating well. I seem to have too modes: eat crap and no movement, or eat great at a deficit and work out. Why? well, because I gain weight in the one, so I'm losing weight in the other.

So this is why my squat and deadlift are shit compared to what they should be. They only really improve when I'm getting in the occasional training days before all goes to hell but my diet has already slipped.

I'm trying to be ok with backing off, lifting for the sake of keeping muscle and waiting till I lose to start strength building again. But it's frustrating.

My self esteem is very much tied to what I can do, not so much what I look like. So I could handle being 140 and strong, but now I'm not only shitty looking, but my lifts relative to my bw are shit.

I had a goal of pulling 150. And I've made it. But it's less an accomplishment when a 170 pound girl pulls 150, versus a 125 pound girl. Increasing my pull by 30 pounds is not really gonna happen right away, so I guess it's better to decrease my fat ass by 40. At least then I have the boon of fitting into the bags and bags of adorable clothes in my closet.

So what drives me now, in real hard truth, isn't that I'm overweight and don't look hot. It's more that I'm off balance, weak, and can't fit places I used to.

I think that's why my tipping point is so high. I didn't feel great naked at 125 anyway... so all that's changed is I look worse now with clothes. This sucks. It really does.

Because it's not like I don't care what I look like, and it's not like I had decreased performance before now. But between my high tolerance of grunge and the shit schedule I had, and the fact that my priorities shifted because of school (where again, self esteem comes in, need that A, it's worth giving up the workout for, esp since I'm already a fatass)…

School should be going slower now, because I'm stuck with a timeline made by the order in which I have to take classes and when those classes are offered. So I'm taking this opportunity to get down as far as I can, get enough shit done around the house, and get into a good routine again when it comes to cooking, eating, and working out… so that I can maintain that when school starts again and just be on autopilot. My deficit can be less, the weight can come off slower, as long as it's not going up (trying to start a new trend, versus the previous one where I gained 10 a year).

I'm either in doubt as to whether I can get where I want to be (even though I've been there before), or I'm afraid of success. One or the other was holding me back. I don't know if they still are.

[L'ilJ]

That's a lotta self searching for one post. I don't even know how to reply. Ummm...yes.

I have a tendancy to self-sabotage progress. I suppose it's sub-conciously, but I am now better at catching myself when it starts to happen. Seems like you're doing a good job of thinking it all through and you will get there. You've been there, you know what needs to be done. Good progress so far!

Oh, and the Interview w/the vampire LOLZ that you posted in the other thread made me LOL

[stingo]

Very introspective post... Seems you need to find out what is holding you back (the fear of failure or the fear of success). Yes, pizza is tasty and convenient (it's one of my downfalls too) but you have to consider it in light of your goals as to which is more important. The logic that you're a "fatass" anyway is a slippery slope, and you've already put too much work in to go down it further. As a fatass myself, I know how it goes with self esteem - you're too smart and funny to fall into that trap.

And if all else fails, maybe this is what you need:

[Aoife]

I heart monkeys.

That aside, tonite's workout wasn't much, but it was good. I spent most of the day cooking and cleaning, so it was a decent amount of activity. I am under 170 even at the end of the evening. Not too bad.



music:
call me - blondie
personal jesus - depeche mode
all she wants is - duran duran

a bit retro, and only for the cardio portion tonite

[Aoife]

There are 2 kinds of lolz...

Ones that are funny as hell...

and ones that are so cute yer head will 'splode.

[Aoife]

better example...

[Bytsi]

I think I just OD'd on kewt. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

[Aoife]

That's what I'm sayin!








So my first few weeks were nothing followed by some small visible changes but no significant movement on the scale. Now I have some scale movement, but not really much in the way of visible changes.

But, overall…
My fingers, toes, ankles, and wrists are less big. I'm back to not needing heels to feel ok about my legs. Calf definition is starting to come back, as are my little hand veins starting to protrude again. The duck I'd get around the tendon on the inside of my wrist is back, although not as pronounced or big as it used to be. My face is leaner and less baby-round. That beginning of a 2nd chin seems to be banished. My waist is tighter. My arms barely wave back at me. My ass is fabu again. (seriously... it is NICE, even if fatter than it should be.) My boobs are no longer overflowing my bra. My bra no longer digs into my back. My neck is leaner and therefore looks longer again. I can see my collarbone again.

I fidget slightly more, my posture is better. My neck is getting there, I still spend a lot of time on the computer, and when it's my iBook I look down at it a lot. (Seeing as how I don't really have much cervical curve anymore, it's not surprising, but it's still a pain occasionally.)

My shoulders are less … sloped? Well, more defined and hold up the bra straps better.

I'm rarely hungry, averaging about 1400 cals a day, which is a modest deficit given Leigh's formula. I occasionally go over, more often under. It is my target. My hard upper limit is 1800... that's the point I figure as maintenance at the moment.

I have just under 2 months until school starts back up. That could be 10 pounds easily at my current rate, but I'm still hoping to end up with more. I need to up my NEAT, and therefore find things to do.

My house is a mess, but getting better. This is somehtign else I let fall by the wayside while in school. And a messy house is not relaxing, which added to our stress levels and made us prefer eating out (or getting takeout, since the dishes were dirty and I didn't want to clean before cooking).

So cleaning house and getting rid of accumulated crap is helping with that NEAT stuff, and then overall I look better, feel better, and so does the house.

Sometimes, I'm surprised I'm 32. Not just because I act like I'm 8 and have the humor of a 12 year old boy. I just kinda suck at being a grown-up sometimes. I mean, not about the important stuff that everyone sees, but the stuff like housekeeping where noone sees because I can't invite them over. I'd blame my non-homey butch mom, but really it's just me.

Again… I give decent advice…

I'm finding I'm losing the pack-rat in me, and I think that's helping. I have all the extra fat clothes out of the house, for both of us. So we can't go up anymore. Getting rid of things make room for the things we want and need that matter to us. And really, noone needs cash receipts for tictacs from 4 years ago (found that in a paper stack, wtf?).

I still had mental clutter, and so even if it wasn't weight related, it affected a lot more than I realized at the time. I still do, but a lot of things have been fixed. I really thought I would never be here again. And I'm so pissed that I am. But oh well.

Time to go train.
Too bad I don't have a cool skatemill at MY gym...

[L'ilJ]

[L'ilJ]

[tkinsley]