This has been a really good weekend so far. Yesterday Bob and I just hung out at my place. We ended up going to World Market and browsing for a while. I thought about getting a papasan chair but decided that by the time I got done spending the money for that, I'd be half way to a slightly nicer chair so I'll splurge and get what I want (I'm tempted to try and find a nice chaise lounge). We went over to Marshall's too. I didn't make it to the beach yesterday so I did that today
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I spent a couple hours down at the beach. It was kind of scary because by the time I left because there was a bit of an undertow. It made getting back to shore a bit of a challenge, BUT I found lots of cool shell bits. I came back and showered then headed over to Bob's.
On the way over to Bob's I had a bit of a panic/anxiety attack. I am working on sorting things out in my head about something that happened on my birthday and is an on-going problem with my mom (this situation has been going on since I was a teenager - more about that in a bit).
When my mom called to wish me happy birthday, she dumped a load of stuff on me about my family. She couldn't just say "Happy Birthday." She also told me about how financially stressed my sister is ( I knew this from talking with my sister already), that my grampa's widow fell and broke her arm again (she has bone cancer) and that Mom can't take care of her because she's busy taking care of herself, and that my brother has diabetes. The only good bit of news she gave me was that it looks like my other brother is coming home from the Middle East a month early. Needless to say I was really pissed off after I got the voice mail (she called while Bob and I were eating dinner and I make it a point not to interrupt my dinner with cell calls even if it is my mother).
I've been chewing on this now for a couple days because I realized the last three phone calls I've had from her, there's been something that she tells me that gets my anxiety levels up. The first phone call had to do with my grandmother telling a cousin that I can't have kids. Although my mom talked to her about it, I had to call my grandmother and tell her that I don't necessarily want to have the world know that I can't have kids and that's MY STUFF to tell someone. The second call had to do with something that my niece did that really hurt my mom and right now I'm pissed at my niece, my sister and my niece's father because their problems are impacting the whole family. And then finally the call on my birthday.
I love my mom, but I've been the one she tells stuff to since I was 16 and my parents divorced. I knew far too much about their marriage and personal problems because she told me. There's a part of me that's very angry that she shared this stuff with a 16 year old girl who shouldn't have known that much about her parents' private issues and was in the throes of trying to figure out her own place in life - I couldn't wait to leave home and go to college. I also resent that she followed me to college I picked after I left home.
Bob says I should listen because maybe I'm her sounding board, but I'm just damn tired of being the sounding board and made to feel I need to try and fix things that I are beyond my control. I don't go home very often because it cranks my anxiety levels way up. At least this time when I go home, Bob will be with me and we have agreed that we're getting a hotel room so we can have some down time without my family being around.
But I need to figure out a way to talk about how I feel with my mom because I'm tired of how this makes me feel (like I'm 16 all over again and have to fix something that I can't fix). It wasn't until I was driving over to Bob's Place this afternoon that I sorted it all out in my head what's been going on with my mother and how I feel. But enough of this, and back to the good stuff!
I kidnapped Bob this evening and took him to Spec's, a local liquor and specialty grocery. Between the both of us, we spent a little over $80 picking up stuff that we wanted to try. I got some Holy Cow Chardonnay, two kinds of Revolution Herbal tea, some soba noodles, a bottle of pickled beets and some really good chocolate (I got 1 each of the following - Chocolate Decadence Truffle, Caramel Truffle, champagne truffle, and a black & White Truffle from Joseph Schmidt). He got some pickled herring in Sour Cream Sauce, some anchovies, Spaghetti sauce, some OJ and some Russian Vodka. We went to HEB and got the stuff for a salad for dinner tonight and I got some brie cheese because I was jonesin' for some.
I'm really in a happy place about food. I bought a container of ice cream earlier this week and I've still got about half a container in the freezer. What remains of the truffles will go into the freezer with the ice cream as a treat. If I want them, I can have them and integrate them my daily food intake. When I started back on this track, I never thought I would get to this place. and it's pretty freaking awesome.
