Dear Fitness Abby: Your advice is needed!!!

[Sharon]

I am asking for any input here. Say anything you want, but in the end, I do need some advice in my situation.
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A little about me: I am 35 years old and have lifted weights in the style of a bodybuilder (i.e. working by ‘body part’) before discovering powerlifting. I have been practicing the NROL/ Afterburn way of exercising since New Rules came out. I follow everything to the letter, as far as carrying a notebook, eating, rest, supplementation, etc.
I also work in a medical library and have access to books and journals on exercise physiology, nutrition, etc. Over the years I have read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on, so I would not call myself a newbie.

Earlier this year one of my co-workers said she wanted to lift weights with me. She is a complete newbie, and is 40 years old. She has never lifted weights consistently, or followed a program.

Things started out fine; I showed her basic lifting exercises, interval training on different cardio machines etc. So, when New Rules for Women came out, I figured she would be open to all the different exercises in the book, meal plans, etc. That didn’t work at all. The only way she would look at the book is if I was reading it with her, MAKING her read the damn thing. For some reason, she just wasn’t interested in reading the book on her own, she wanted me to do the work and just tell her how to lift, eat, etc.


Then the Honeymoon was suddenly over. She refused to carry her own notebook asking me to write down her reps and weights for her. I did that for a while, but then told her she needs to carry her own book, because we lift different weights, etc. She couldn’t be bothered, so she just lifted whatever I lifted. She started complaining (in a joking kind of way) all the time. I tried to get her to use the Physio balls to do ab exercises, and she hated that, and wouldn’t try them again. She would jokingly say, “Can’t we skip this one?” when it would come to more challenging exercises.

I let this go on for a month, and I admit I shouldn’t have.

The whining just got to me, and I have stopped working out with her. In fact, I never felt like I really trained WITH her, it was more like I WAS TRAINING HER.

Now she’s asking me if I want to work out with her again, and I really don’t want to. I would like to help her, she’s an otherwise nice person, but I almost want to ask for payment since I don’t get much of a workout when I am with her.

How do I tell her in a nice way that I am not interested in going to the gym with her?

[missjane]

I prefer to work out alone. Just tell her you do, too, and that you won't be able to fully focus on your workouts with a partner.

[Sharon]

Thanks Miss Jane. It's true I Like to work out alone, but I had hoped that after a while, this friend would have developed more interest in lifting, and she never did.

[missjane]

You can only worry about yourself and your plan. Other people will do what they want and you can't force someone to do something they just don't want to follow thru on. I generally keep to myself in the gym and with my comments about my workouts/nurtition/etc because of this very reason.

[kfisherx]

This would be a "no brainer" for me. I would tell this girl right out exactly what you said here. Tell her it isn't working out for you to work with her because you are not getting a good workout in due to not being able to focus. Tell her that she can come to the gym with you but will have to have her own plan and not bother you for the workout part. My bet is that she stops going at all.

[Phaedrus49er]

Sounds like a couple of my ex-girlfriends

[littlered]

I think it's really nice that you were willing to get her started with her program, but she is definitely taking advantage of you. If I were you, I'd just tell her that I normally prefer to work alone, my training has suffered since I added a partner, and I'd like to go back to my solo training. If you want to continue to help her (and if she's willing to do her own work), take a very hands-off approach.

[Willie]

How about "Sure! I charge $75 an hour!"

[Faraz421]

Honestly to maintain any work or social relationships well enough, yes, its not terrible if youre straight forward with her, but, what i do when that work out partner becomes your new project is this:

Develop or continue the routine you have for your self.
Look up or develop something different for your 'work out partner' that suits his/her needs better, explain to them why they are doing a different program( you need more leg work, some more basics, or concentrate on the compound movements, whatever it is).
Ex. Im 200 pounds working for strength and to cut, my friend was 125 looking to gain, massively. I gave him a 3x8 scheme, few compound movements and bigger rest periods, had him at a completely different spot then myself. He started with squats, i started with bench. If he ended with bench, i ended with deadlifts (opposite sides of the gym basicaly).

Go to the gym together, do your excercises, let her do hers, sure she may bug you a bit in the middle, but shell start to get it. then eventually you can both joke about how youre 'in the zone' and dont talk much at the gym .

worked for me, hope it helps!

[Mahler]

First:
The reason YOU workout is for YOU and YOU alone. Anything that infringes on that is counterproductive to your prgram and goals.

Second:
Helping a friend is one thing. We all try to do that here. Spoon feeding a whiny, lazy (insert bitch here if it applies) is another. She is using you and you are letting her.

Third:
You can give her the tools, but she has to do the work and muster up some motivation. You've guided her along on the bike, then removed the training wheels, now it's time for her to pedal on her own.

[Sharon]

Wow, thanks everyone!

As far as going to the gym with her, but not working out together: I think that's doable.

Faraz421: Thanks for your ideas, but this person has horrible form, and I had the worst time trying to get her to watch herself in the mirror; alternating heavy exercises WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!
Do you know what she calls deadlifts? "Those barbell thingies".

I think it's probably an understatement to say she's a newbie.

I have been too nice, but that's going to stop!

[AFI82]

It sounds like you've already passed the standard point of friendly assistance. I'd bail on her in regards to exercise. You've spent too much time on her already, with what seems like no return.

If she changes her attitude and starts to work at it, maybe reconsider in a couple of months.

Just because you can't get along inside the gym, doesn't mean you can't still be friends outside the gym.

[Faraz421]

Hey Sharon, sounds worse then my cases.
I guess a sudden change of scheduale could have you going at completely different times then her (insert winky smiley face).

Other than that, just be honest with her that youve started slacking in the gym and really need to get it together, if she wants, give her some links to articles and videos (probably not to this site until someone deletes this thread) and let her take it from there. If she doesnt, no fault to you and you can always say you were hoping shed pick it up on her own.

If all fails, tell her to run on the treadmill every day [ i know, not good advice, but it will do ], get her out of your hair, she'll see you progressing much faster and kick up her own interest (maybe, probably not in her case ).

And my attempts to find a pleasant way out should not understate the fact that she messes up your work out and you just need to get her out of it.

[stingo]

I'll echo what's already been said...

Tell her you're not interested, and tell her why. If it's important enough to her to change her ways/attitude that's ok, but otherwise you couldn't be bothered as it takes away from the quality of your workouts.

[Lost Dog]

All the old standbys work here. "It's not you, it's me." "I'll call you." "I'm being transfered to Yemen."

[diamondpete]

Hi Sharon

Though I concur in spirit with the "piss off and sop bugging response" that would normally be called for in this situation, BUT since you have a proven whinny person, you may need to think about what whinning will go on at the office if you ditch her in such a "callous" fashion.

I would go for a gentler "piss off approach" and explain that you liked "working out with her and showing her the ropes" but now she has gotten the hang of it, she can really make progress doing her own training. She know her needs better than you do and needs to tailor her workout for her own needs which are different from yours.

Perhaps if you are feeling kind, offer her a program with exercises she knows how to do, that is COMPLETELY different from what you are doing, and if you can tolerate her, go to the gym together and let her do her personalized workout for herself.

Peter

[bullandbear]

If she was just a casual acquantaince, I'd just tell her to bugger off. It's a little tricky when both are co-workers. Tell her you are training for a meet/ goal and need the utmost concentration in order to up the intensity. She should get the drift after a while.

From what you wrote, it appears you've been as helpful as you could have been. Maybe it's time to pull back a little and let her take responsibility for her own attitude and action. Slowly cut back on the assistance you render. Tell her you'd be happy to take a look at her program but offer no help when you are both at the gym. Do your own stuff and if she persist to pester you, tell her you'd like to concentrate on your workout first.

After she has left, speak to one of the trainers there and try to get them to approach her. Since she is always looking for someone to track her progress and record the weights, might as well get her to pay someone to do it. They will also provide her motivation and encouragement, but more importantly, liberate you from the obligation of babysitting her in the gym.

[stingo]

Originally Posted by diamondpete

I would go for a gentler "piss off approach" and explain that you liked "working out with her and showing her the ropes" but now she has gotten the hang of it, she can really make progress doing her own training. She know her needs b