Feb has been a very rough month for me personally. There has been many hardships to overcome. Bad weather, freezing rain and black ice caused me to miss many workouts, along with some family sickness and depression. Depression has been a major issue this month. I'm usually able to keep the beast on a leash, but many times it became loose, and caused me to loose much time from the gym and from my life.
My family life is tough. I have a wife who is morbidly obese, sets bad examples for my son, takes absolutely no care of herself and is unable to do the simplest of task around the home. This leaves everything around the home on me. We live in a two story home, and she is barely able to climb the stairs. I get absolutely no support nor encouragement from her. If anything, she feels threatened by me wanting to get healthy. Hell, she doesn't even know about this challenge I started. I never told her since I know she wouldn't support it.
At times, I feel like giving up. Depression hits real hard. Lots of extended periods of just sitting and crying. the problem is too much responsibility and never any fun, and always coming in last in the race. My self care gets put on hold while I take care of her and my son, do the household chores, work a day job, and teach at a night job.
I've considered divorce, but basically, for reasons I really don't uinderstand, I love my wife. And I love my son. A divorce would probably destroy him, and wouldn't help me in the long run either.
All day long, all week long, month after month, all I ever do is take care of them and ignore myself. My life has no fun! No freedom, nor any solitude. It consist of getting up in the morning tired as I was when I went to bed, and every day is just one big re run of an unhappy life.
I get no encouragement form her regarding weight loss and health. We both have gym memberships, but she never uses hers, and has little subtle remarks to make if I go to the gym. Guilt trips since I'm not spending time with her, with my son, doing something that needs to be done around the hosue, etc.
Bottom line is I don't know what to do anymore. A life of depression is no life. A life like mine is no life.
I should be posting new pictures soon, but I have to ask myself why bother? Absolutely nothing has changed since the last photos, since I've only been to the gym 5 times in Feb. there is no progress to report on.
My lifestyle makes me feel sad and miserable. A crummy day job that I absolutely hate; a marriage that is all take and no give, and if that isn't enough, then add a huge financial debt on top of all that. I haven't even mentioned the debt yet. That could keep me going on for another long thread.
Bottom line is I may decide to withdraw from the challenge. There is way too much on my shoulders right now for me to keep trying to balance so much. something has to give, and it can't be family and jobs.
This morning, I woke up tired. So tired that I just laid there not feeling like moving. I was to go to the gym. March was going to be Balls to the wall and make up for Feb. But I just didn't have it in me to get out of bed. The fight has left me. I feel defeated.
Well, enough for now. Long rant. Thanks for listening folks.
This may be good bye. This may be my withdraw from the challenge. Hell, I don't even know what this may be. I just know I can't go on much longer like this.
Ray
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Have you considered talking to someone and reaching out for some help? There are times in everyone's life when it can't hurt to have someone help us out.
I think it's brave of you to WANT a fitter lifestyle. And, I think it will ultimately be a very good thing for you and your family. I encourage you to continue on this journey, even if it's baby steps for awhile.
Please don't leave us......you are amongst friends, and we care.
Hey I had a crap February as well. I didn't miss any workouts ate great on the on days and horribly on the 8 party days that I knew I was going to have. So by the end of it all I lost 1 whole friggin pound. SO WHAT. I get up every morning get back to the gym and I will attempt to be better than the last month. Fitness isn't about some external challenge it is about getting and staying healthy so you can fend of an occasional bought of depression or whatever else life might throw your way. Plus setting a good example for your son is necessary to counter the negative example that yopur wife is setting. Quit the challenge if that is what is stressing you out but don't quit on yourself. NO PITY PARTY HERE, fitness isn't easy all the time but its necessary.
Now get away from the computer and go do something healthy.
__________________ -50# by 4/1/10 2 down 48 to go.
The challenge isn't really relevant to anything. I never signed on with the genuine thought that I'd win, it's simply a declaration that I'm going to "try" to do what I can to be a better me physically through diet and exercise. The better I do personally = the greater the odds of my kids learning better habits.
I don't know how old your kid is, but can you take your son to the gym\for a walk\basketball\ANYTHING?! If he's a teenager, you might have him be a lifting buddy OR you can ask him to be active "for you". Let him share in the experiance.
Diet = "just do better". You're making an attempt not to die early or create a situation where your kid dies early because you didn't teach him better. Don't worry about being perfect...just do better than you did yesterday.
Diet\exercise (or lack of) isn't really something that you quit on. It's how you choose to live your life every day. If you want to quit the challenge then that's your right, but you can't quit making decisions on what you're going to eat or how you spend your free time. Life isn't something that you can quit. Press on and do the best you can. Please consider your reasonings for wanting to take a more active control in the first place, and choose if it still matters or not.
Don't make quitting an option. So you only worked out 5 days last month. That's five days that you took care of yourself and that's a start. I only worked out 11 days this past month. But I did it because it makes me feel better.
You're at the point where the pain of remaining the same is greated than the pain chainging. And You know the change is necessary or your son is going to have a lot of problems. I think Gobbla idea of taking your son to the gym is a good one - you'll be modeling good behavior for him. And I think you going to the gym is a good start at the self care you say is missing in your life.
Miss Jane is right in that you need help. You need help for the depression and I think your marriage needs help too. Being the only mate who is responsible sucks - been there done that with my ex-husband and it's not fun. It may be time for marriage counselling.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
__________________ It all starts with the mind, but the thoughts, the intention aren't enough. Action needs to come next. Dream it, believe it, plan it, execute it, celebrate it. - Wendy
Ray,
I too, think you need to speak to a professional. This is no way to continue; you deserve to be happy, even if it feels like work.
Your son needs you, and he needs you to be healthy. If an hour away from him every day means that you'll be on this earth for another 20 years, then make that commitment, if not for you, then for him!!! Think of the wonderful example you'll be showing him. When he gets older, he can join you on this journey.
I've been your wife, or close enough anyway. She makes those comments because she's insecure and she knows that you're making good choices. Hell, she probably wants desperately to make those choices with you, but knows that it will be work. DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR NEED TO BE HEALTHY. I cannot stress that enough.
Please speak to someone, a professional, and don't leave this place. These people are good people, and you'll find support here. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm walking 60 miles for a breast cancer cure, September 11-13, 2009! Please support my walk and help me raise funds for cancer research by donating to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day: http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/...nal&fr_id=1300
Thanks everyone. I'm hanging in there. I'll keep posting.
It means so much to know that people do care.
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
Rem - good advice in previous posts for you. why not stay in the challenge, and the challenge is just to see how much you can do.
res job - as a responsible man you cannot just quit your job. but it does not have to be a life sentence. maybe part of your challenge over the next few months is to come up with some plans for a better job. not make the switch, but start the planning. folks here would enjoy being part of that planning, more in terms of cheering you on than advising.
PowerMan....and leave your son??? hmmm....thanks for your prespective.
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
Hang in there, Ray. Go speak with a professional to help you manage the lows. You're leading by example and a few weeks of not hitting the gym is nothing to worry about in the grand scheme of things. Get back to the gym for your own time/benefit and hopefully with a little assistance the rest can be remedied.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rem1956
You know...it's a funny thing about this challenge....at first I just wanted motivation. Then I wanted to win. Now....I don't care so much about winning. I just want a healthy lifestyle change that becomes permanent. And I'm thrilled that I have motivated so many to do something positive for themselves.
But seriously, Rem, if you have the heart to post this, it means you have the desire for us to stop you from letting yourself fold. I for one think you can keep going, and keep making that change. Believe in yourself and remember that winning this challange is winning a battle against all of it.
PowerMan....and leave your son??? hmmm....thanks for your prespective.
Been there done that. We all say that we are sticking with it "for the children" when in reality we stay in crummy relationships because we are too chicken shit of what will happen to us if we leave or otherwise insist on change. It really isn't about them at all when we really dig deep. The hardest part about making a change is making the commitment to do it. Once you make the commitment the landing is always quite nice in the end. You are not doing your son or your wife any favours by staying around and being the whipping boy in this relationship. By doing nothing you are enabling your wife's bad behaviours as well as your own.
Make the decision to change. I am not saying to leave but go seek professional help and talk through what your reasons are for being in the mess you are in. Also make it a priority to find a way to deal with your depression issues. I have plenty of friends who were helped tremendously by medications and homeopathy and other things. One of the symptoms of depression is exhaustion so that is all playing into your issues. Make an appointment today to get with a financial advisor as well. Start laying out plans for change.
Stick with the challenge. It isn't about winning any sort of silly contest it is about doing the best that you can do with the deck of cards that you were delt. You are doing that and that is far more respsectable than not doing at all. Your job now needs to be to see if you can get dealt a new hand.
Sorry I don't have anything new to add, Ray. I just wanted you to know that I do care about you and your family.
__________________ 'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
I know exactly where you are, Rem. It feels like you have poison running through your veins, and the anxiety doesn't ever let up. You may not even see a light at the end of the tunnel.
First thing I do (and advise people to do) is to just tuck your head down and keep moving forward, even if all you can take is baby steps.
My next advice may shock you coming from a fitness professional, but you have a lot on your plate... Maybe stepping back a bit on your workouts isn't a bad thing. When you are so ridden with anxiety to the point of toxicity like you are, they won't be productive anyway, and may just add to your stress.
Start looking for things to take off of you. Right now you are so bogged down that you aren't really thinking about your future because you can't stop long enough to plan. You're too busy reacting.
Can you refinance your home to get you out of some debt? Do you have any other outlets that will allow you to give up your night teaching job?
Are you involved in any boards or committees that you can offload?
Maybe you can make up a check list of household duties broken down by what needs to be done on a daily and weekly list, and then give it to your wife and explain that you need to divide them up a bit for your sanity. Explain to her that a relationship doesn't have to be constant marital bliss, but it is very much like a bank account, and she can't keep taking withdrawals without occasionally making deposits.
First thing though is to get a moment of silence where you can sit and plan. Plan your next day, plan your week, plan your month, and plan your year (where do you want to be in a year?). If you can't see where you're going you'll never get there.
You can't continue to operate under chaos. And your wife needs a little tough love too. She needs to hear, loud and clear, what her condition does to the family to her son, and to her own quality of life.
Maybe you can recruit her into doing a daily walk with you to get things rolling. It's not effective compared to lifting, but it is a good gateway exercise.
One thing that will give you wings is the truth. You will feel liberated when you can simply speak the truth without hesitation, to your co-workers, your wife, your kids. Not cruel or mean, just honest. Don't feel like you have to protect anyone. Lay it out there and get your hands dirty. You will find a strange power in it. Did you ever see the movie, Wolf, with Jack Nicholson? Okay, aside from becoming a werewolf, he just woke up one day and realized that he had let all this bad stuff happen to him. When he stopped pulling punches with people suddenly people paid attention to him because of this new fire he had in his eyes.
Once you plan your next day, take a few minutes to do some preparation the night before so you can hit the ground running. Even if it's just something like preparing a meal or laying out your clothes. After you build up a few of those, you will get in a zone with it. Even the first time your next day will go much smoother.
Chaos is stressful. If you are looking at a pile of leaves blowing in the wind, it is the very embodiment of chaos (in a mathmatical sense), and you can almost feel carried away by the wind, completely out of control. But pick out one leave and follow it with your eyes. Suddenly you have a center, and everything is just spinning around it. It almost makes everything seem like it's moving slower. That is the essence of organization. Following one task at a time without letting yourself get lost in the chaos.
Focus on the big things and learn to compartmentalize. Worrying will do nothing but make you sick. When you can't control something, let go of it. Try to lay out your day where you can allot some time to think about it so it doesn't stay with you all day, mulling around in your head. That is advice I got from Dale Carnegie.
I agree that your health is important, but you won't lose everything if you lay off while you get your priorities straight. It's easy for young people to advise you of that because they don't have the frame of reference. When I was in my twenties, missing a workout was never even an option for me. If your head's not in the game though you are just going burn yourself completely out, and probably injure yourself in the process from not being well-rested or too stressed.
I'm not saying give up and go to pot, but back off a little and lay out a plan. One that may involve you doing other activities so you can include your family. Don't worry about having a washboard for now. Just keep active. Play some frisbee in the park with your boy. Go for nightly runs, even just a half mile with him. Go play on monkey bars with him.
You might also set some rules on food in the house, and be firm with them. Talk honestly about your son's health with your wife, and get her on the same page where she's not trying to sabotage you.
Even if you are not out of your hole, if you have something as simple as a plan it will energize you and push you forward.
Ray,
I am so sorry first of all for everything that you are going through ... know that we are here anytime you need to vent.
My husband is going through something similar with work ... he absolutely hates his job to the point where his entire personality changes on Sunday since he knows he has to go back to work on Monday. He is working with a therapist (for other reasons sort of related to his job, when he had a "nervous breakdown" in October resulting in some paranoid delusions. It landed him on the psych ward for about a week, and on an antipsychotic med from then until just recently.) and one of the things they are tackling is the job issue. Ultimately it has to be my husband's choice, but he can either, change jobs locally, move to another state and change jobs, stay here and change professions, or stay where he is and learn to see the positive there and not focus on the negative. He is struggling with it even with professional help. So, please don't try to go it alone.
Depression is a whole other thing. Yes, see a professional. Yes, take meds if indicated. But, time and time again it has been shown through research that exercise helps depression.
Other reasons to stick with it are your son and your wife. I agree with Willie ... she is likely insecure, and worried that if you get fit and hot you are going to trade her in for a thin 25-year-old!! How about an old-fashioned sit down where you tell her your fears/concerns and acknowledge hers (even if she screams and yells). Then suggest ideas for improving the family's health. If she resists, do it anyways, and get your son involved.
You also will find that when you get one area of your life in order/cleaned up, the others will follow. Find happiness in the small things. Focus on the positive. Be kind to yourself. The rest will follow.
Hugs,
Julie
__________________
Life's a Journey ... Enjoy the Ride!
PowerMan....and leave your son??? hmmm....thanks for your prespective.
kfisher summed it up better than my succint comment, but in this context I'd certainly do what was necessary to keep contact w/ my son.
I think your heart is in the right place, but the strong cynic in me thinks that your efforts at fixing things are futile; hence why in your position I'd tend to just cut my losses.
Then again, I always assume the worst about people until I have reason to think otherwise, so that's just me.
__________________
Articles | Blog | Pirate my book. "Yeah, but you did your post grad thesis on trolling, so you don't count."
-JP, endorsing how awesome I am
Ray, I don't have much to add, but I can join the others in saying see a professional about the depression. Many employers have an assistance program for just these types of circumstances. Getting treatment can make all the difference in the world.
__________________ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -- Carlos Castaneda
You were the one that started the challenge. Just reading that first post months ago, and all of the replies that followed, encouraged me to do something similar.
I've been having a family challenge with my wife, my in-laws, and my dad for the last 2 months. All of it prompted by your initial challenge thread. Know that if you can inspire strangers over the internet, you can definitely inspire your son.
You're not just working for yourself here, you're working for him as well. That means that it's your responsibility to get some outside assistance to help you work through this. Don't be afraid to let him see you struggle. But don't let him see you give up.
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
I agree with JP. Do the minimum gym trips that you need to get fit. Nutrition is the larger part of the battle, anyway.
Spend time with your son. Get more exercise that way.
Fix things around the house. Put your back into it and get exercise that way.
Have you suggested some sort of joint marriage counseling? If you have and she's not willing, I'd go anyway. For you. Hopefully, she'll decide to join you at some point.
Just want you to know I'm thinking about you. Been trying all day to figure out what to say and kept alternating between tough love and gentleness. Here's a neutral tip instead:
Looking through your list of things that kept you down in February, some are: 1) completely out of your control (weather), other are 2) partly out of your control but you still can have significant influence (family) and the rest are 3) completely in your control. Category #2 is tricky, but you can toss #1 out the freaking window and take ownership of everything in #3 and decide what you want to do with it.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
All I have to say is take care of yourself and your family relationship first. Your thread says that you're considering dropping out of the challenge....SCREW THE CHALLENGE!
Look at me! I had a hell of a start to my year, i joined in on the challenge and I don't think I've even had 5 minutes to visit here and post! People probably think I had dropped out weeks ago!
But, your thread made me post. As I choke down my lunch so I can hurry on to my next work project, I decided to hop in here and peek around. Worrying about what people think here doesn't matter....that's the beauty of this place. The good people just read, post advice, and best of all, DON'T JUDGE.
So, take some time off.....the challenge will be here for the next 4 months. That's a lot of time to make some progress. But right now you need to sit down with your wife, talk about your issues, and get to the bottom of your depression. Quite honestly, my wife has gotten pretty out of shape over the past few years. What I found, after having a good conversation with her is that, deep down, she wants to help herself, wants to get back in shape, wants everything I want. But, she lets life get in the way (and so have I the past few years). So, together we need to do it together. There's no other way, and the same applies to you. The snide comments, the remarks, all of that is jealousy, and envy, because I guarantee your wife would rather be in shape that in the state she is now. But, it's okay, it's natural for her to feel that. You need to sit down, get down to it, get past those feelings, and make a plan to work together. That will help your depression, that will help your day to day life, that will give you the motivation to kick start your fitness plan. Marriage is being part of a team, I don't care what people say. If one person isn't into the idea of working as a team, it'll never work.
Best of luck to you. Take a break, and we'll see you soon.
Some much good information has been given here for you too know you are not alone.
The only thing I can think of adding to the advice above, is that you need to take care of yourself first, otherwise you will never be able to take care of others.
Thanks one and all. You folks are family to me, in a way....Things are better today; I've done a lot of reflecting. Not sure yet what I'm going to do, but I am determined to make things better! Thanks to all of you for being here and talking me through this mess.
Ray
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
Considering Withdrawing from the Challenge
"I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
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