College essay... Lifting... I think so!

[bigDman]

Just thought you guys would enjoy and I would share. I wrote this for penn state. I personally think it needs more meat, but i couldnt really think of what else to write. Any ideas or comments would be sweet.




Advocates for different realms of learning and creativity (math, literature, social studies, and others) often claim that you can’t be a truly education person without them. Thinking about your high school education, what should be taught more (or better) in order to graduate truly educated people? What should be taught less?

Physical fitness and good nutrition allow the human body to work more efficiently, and with the increasingly competitive nature of life in America, the human body needs to perform at its highest level. Nutrition and fitness are rarely taught in school regardless of the fact that they form the foundation upon all of learning is built.

Most high school curriculums require only one semester of study. I find this to be short sighted at best with the rapidly growing obesity epidemic as evidence. Many studies have shown that healthy kids perform at a higher-level then unhealthy kids causing less disruption in school and receiving higher grades. If a little more time were spent teaching kids how to establish healthy nutrition and exercise regimens schools would have higher test scores and less disciplinary problems.

A healthy diet, containing the correct balance of nutrient and micronutrient levels, leads to higher brain activity. For example, recent studies indicate that specific balance between omega 3, 6, and 9 fatty acids promotes brain health and function. A school investigating cafeteria menu options found that a health conscious menu was responsible for a nearly ten-fold reduction in disciplinary problems. They also reported that a health conscious menu was no more expensive then their previous menu.

Fitness levels are associated with not only physical and mental health but emotional well being as well. Regular exercise regimens serve to channel anger allowing the mind to re-focus and the child to be more productive for a longer time period. Current curriculums focus on little more then basic hygiene ignoring the fundamentals of nutrition, anatomy, physiology, and kinesiology that form the foundation of a true health curriculum.

Today’s modern school schedule is already filled to the brim. In order to accommodate my proposed expanded health curriculum I suggest the re-focus of foreign language studies. The multicultural environment we inhabit demands the ability to communicate with others in their native tongue. But the study of foreign language should be just that, narrowly re-focused on communication skill rather than the broad focus encompassing cultural studies and the reading of the classics in their native tongue. Such a re-focus of language studies will allow ample time for my proposed health related studies.

[ParanoidAndroid]

Pretty intesting essay prompt. All the schools I'm applying to just ask for a personal statement+ a "why X school?" essay

Just nitpicking here.

Originally Posted by bigDman

Just thought you guys would enjoy and I would share. I wrote this for penn state. I personally think it needs more meat, but i couldnt really think of what else to write. Any ideas or comments would be sweet.




Advocates for different realms of learning and creativity (math, literature, social studies, and others) often claim that you can’t be a truly education person without them. Thinking about your high school education, what should be taught more (or better) in order to graduate truly educated people? What should be taught less?

Physical fitness and good nutrition allow the human body to work more efficiently, and with the increasingly competitive nature of life in America, the human body needs to perform at its highest level.

First of all, what do you mean by "competitive nature"? It sounds a bit vague. Also, I don't think that the human body "needs" to perform at the "highest level"

Nutrition and fitness are rarely taught in school regardless of the fact that they form the foundation upon all of learning is built.

Most high school curriculums require only one semester of study. I find this to be short sighted at best with the rapidly growing obesity epidemic as evidence. Many studies have shown that healthy kids perform at a higher-level then unhealthy kids, causing less disruption in school and receiving higher grades. If a little more time were spent teaching kids how to establish healthy nutrition and exercise regimens, schools would have higher test scores and less disciplinary problems.

You mention higher grades as a result of a healthy diet, and then you switch to test scores. Stay consistent.

A healthy diet, containing the correct balance of nutrient and micronutrient levels, leads to higher brain activity. For example, recent studies indicate that specific balance between omega 3, 6, and 9 fatty acids promotes brain health and function. A school investigating cafeteria menu options found that a health conscious menu was responsible for a nearly ten-fold reduction in disciplinary problems. They also reported that a health conscious menu was no more expensive then their previous menu.

Fitness levels are associated with not only physical and mental health but emotional well being as well. Regular exercise regimens serve to channel anger allowing the mind to re-focus and the child to be more productive for a longer time period. Current curriculums focus on little more then basic hygiene ignoring the fundamentals of nutrition, anatomy, physiology, and kinesiology that form the foundation of a true health curriculum.

do you really think the average HS student needs to be focusing on kinesiology?

Today’s modern school schedule is already filled to the brim. In order to accommodate my proposed expanded health curriculum, I suggest the re-focus of foreign language studies. The multicultural environment we inhabit demands the ability to communicate with others in their native tongue. But the study of foreign language should be just that, narrowly re-focused on communication skill rather than the broad focus encompassing cultural studies and the reading of the classics in their native tongue. Such a re-focus of language studies will allow ample time for my proposed health related studies.

Pretty good. One thing though, it was a tad "dry", if you hear what I'm saying. I would show it to as many people as possible--you want as many different perspectives on it as you can get.

[bigDman]

Originally Posted by ParanoidAndroid

Pretty intesting essay prompt. All the schools I'm applying to just ask for a personal statement+ a "why X school?" essay

Just nitpicking here.


First of all, what do you mean by "competitive nature"? It sounds a bit vague. Also, I don't think that the human body "needs" to perform at the "highest level"

You mention higher grades as a result of a healthy diet, and then you switch to test scores. Stay consistent.


do you really think the average HS student needs to be focusing on kinesiology?


Pretty good. One thing though, it was a tad "dry", if you hear what I'm saying. I would show it to as many people as possible--you want as many different perspectives on it as you can get.

Thanks man... nitpicking is what I need. I am about to post the other two college essays in the off topic session you can comment those if you want to :-P

[UConnJulie]

You might also add in something more personal ... like what a typical menu is like in your school's cafe ... and maybe something more typcial of what you eat for lunch. Then maybe compare your class ranking/standing and if it has improved since you became interested in fitness and nutrition.

[Kevin T.]

Originally Posted by bigDman

Nutrition and fitness are rarely taught in school regardless of the fact that they form the foundation upon all of learning is built.

Most high school curriculums require only one semester of study.

Just some technicalities. "...the foundation upon which all of learning is built." and, its curricula, not curriculums. It's a Latin thing. :p

[Victoria]

Check everything...grammar, spelling, etc. And, check it again. Then, have someone else check it. And, then someone else. You get my point. This is THE time to make sure your writing is absolutely perfect. Not a single mistake! Now, go get 'em!!!

[RacerBill]

I like what Julie said about making it more personal, and she gives a good example of applying that. You could also say what benefits you have found in your own life by eating right and exercising, and link that with why that should be stressed in school.

And I second what Victoria said. Double check all the spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

In a few instances you leap between ideas without explaining where you're going. One glaring spot is the first sentence in the second paragraph. I know you mean one semester of study of nutrition/physical fitness but you only say "one semester of study" and you haven't followed through on explaining the entire concept. (And those kinds of errors jump out at me because I nearly always lost points on my school papers for doing the same thing!).

Hope this helps. Knock 'em dead on those apps!!

[kingkop182]

I'm not overly familiar with these types of essays as overherelUniversity entry was/is based on grades and interview only.

Having said that looking at the paragraph below, I may be tempted to throw a reference in there (which study? by whom?). It shows that you've done research and if referenced using the correct method such as the Harvard system, it shows your abilities in this area also.

Originally Posted by bigDman

A healthy diet, containing the correct balance of nutrient and micronutrient levels, leads to higher brain activity. For example, recent studies indicate that specific balance between omega 3, 6, and 9 fatty acids promotes brain health and function.

I see this as your chance you show off your abilities, IMO poor/incorrect referencing is one of the biggest gripes Lecturers have, get it right and its bonus points right off the bat.

[MAXX]

As a high school health and PE teacher, your essay expresses my exact sentiments. I've been preaching these things for years, but the education administrators will never listen in this day of the standardized test.....