A very special thank you to Lisa~ for posting this link in another of my threads. I wanted to make sure everyone saw it and read it. This article explains something I haven't been able to put my thumb on for my whole life. I'm hoping this changes me, maybe it will change you too.
THE HIDDEN REASON WHY YOU SABOTAGE YOUR DIET AND FITNESS EFFORTS JUST WHEN THE GOING GETS GOOD (AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT)
Tell me if this has ever happened to you: You decide you want to improve your body and live a healthier lifestyle. You read all the books, gather all the information, map out a nutritional strategy, design your own workout schedule (or have a trainer do it for you), and you embark on the journey to a leaner, more muscular physique…and it starts working! But the minute you begin getting results, you fall off the wagon. You binge, you skip workouts, you cheat. What’s most perplexing (and upsetting) is that you know what you should do… but no matter how hard you try, you can’t get yourself to do it! It’s as if some unseen force is sabotaging you and controlling your behavior like you were a puppet on a string.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar, then the answer to your frustrations might lie deep within your subconscious mind in something called your “SELF CONCEPT.” Unfortunately, the average person, at the mere mention of self concept, self worth or self image usually cries, “Oh no, not another one of these cheesy self-help articles!”
Whenever I mention self concept to a client who has never been exposed to the idea before, their eyes glaze over and they get a distant look as if they were saying, “okay Tom, I’ll be out here in la-la land daydreaming for a while… pinch me when you start talking about the good stuff like thermogenic supplements, split routines, killer ab workouts and interval training, ok?”
You may not understand or appreciate this “self concept” and “self image” stuff yet. However, if you choose to ignore this information, you would be making a grave error. You can be on the most perfect nutrition program and the best training routine in the world, but you’ll always sabotage yourself in the long run if you don’t understand what your self image is, how it controls your behavior, and how to change it.
First, let’s talk about your SELF-CONCEPT: This is the total bundle of beliefs you have about yourself, including all the names and labels you put on yourself and the way you see yourself. If you really want to know what your true self-concept is, write down the words “I AM ______________” and fill in the blanks with everything you can think of.
For example:
I am shy
I am not a good salesperson
I am fat
I am uncoordinated
I am sexy
I am unattractive
I am an F student
I am an A student
I am wealthy
I am a failure
I am accident-prone
I am a great conversationalist
I am broke
I earn $25,000 per year
I could never earn $250,000 per year
My body will always be shaped like a pear
I'm not very athletic
As you can see from the list, you have a “mini” self-concept for every area of your life including your relationships, your ability to attract wealth, your talent in writing, math, art or music and your body image, just to name a few.
Your self-concept was first formed in early childhood, largely from the influence of your parents and the authority figures in your life. When you were an infant and a small child, the "lid" on your mind was wide open. One hundred percent of the information and suggestions given to you at this young age went straight into your subconscious where they were accepted as true, even if they weren’t true. Your mind was like a lump of soft, pliable clay.
When you reached adolescence, it was like the “lid” on your mind slammed shut with all the early childhood programming locked inside. As an adult, your self-concept has solidified, but it slowly continues to be molded and reinforced by your successes, failures, triumphs, humiliations and everything you experience, see, hear, read and think. For example, if you go on a diet or exercise program and you fail, this goes into your subconscious memory bank and reinforces a negative self-concept: “See, I told you I’ll never be able to look like those people in the magazines.”
Although your self-concept is deeply entrenched from years of conditioning, it CAN be changed. Before I explain the four steps to making the change, I want to explain self-concept using an analogy everyone can relate to - MONEY! Why money? Well, as I mentioned before, most people not only don’t understand the self-concept, they’re bored to death at the slightest mention of it.
I’d hate to see you doze off before you get to the really juicy stuff later in this article, and since money is seldom a subject that bores anyone and it’s a common denominator between all people, let me explain the relationship between money and self-concept first. Once you see how self-concept affects how much money you earn, you’ll easily understand how it affects what kind of shape you’re in. You’ll then have enough awareness to begin changing your self-concept - and your body - for the better.
Question: If you won a large sum of money, or if your annual income suddenly became your monthly income, how would you feel about it?
“That would be AWESOME!” is what most people blurt out initially. I have news for you: As bizarre as this may sound, I guarantee that if your old self-concept was still locked in place, you’d do everything possible to get rid of your new-found wealth. You’d make bad business decisions. You’d be unsuccessful in sales. You’d have an uncontrollable urge to go out and spend the money, splurge on things you didn't need, invest in things you knew nothing about, lend to people who wouldn't give it back or even flat out lose it! Just look at what happens to most lottery winners.
Even though everyone SAYS they’d like more money, that’s only on the conscious, surface level. The problem is, your behavior is NOT controlled by your conscious mind; your behavior is controlled on a deeper level - from your subconscious mind where your self-concept is located. If having a lot of money isn’t consistent with your self-concept, it will sooner or later lead to some form of sabotaging behavior to bring you back down to your comfort level.
Most people stay inside a comfort zone that’s consistent with the concept and image they hold of themselves. They rarely rise above it or allow themselves to fall below it. Any time you try to make a change in your life, whether it’s losing fat or earning more money, it will stir up resistance inside you because you’re attempting to move beyond the safe, familiar and comfortable.
To earn more money, you must see yourself as capable of earning more money and worthy of keeping it. If you see yourself as a $24,000 per YEAR person, you’ll NEVER earn and keep $24,000 per MONTH unless you see yourself as a $24,000 per month person.
Are you starting to understand how the same thing could happen when you try to change your body?
To be lean, healthy and fat-free, you must see yourself as being capable of achieving that body and worthy of maintaining it. If you see yourself as a fat, pear-shaped person, you’ll NEVER be a lean, fat-free person until you see yourself as a lean, fat-free person.
Just when you start to see results and become happy with how you look…. all of a sudden, you’ll get the irresistible urge to sleep in and blow off your 6 a.m. workouts. You’ll get uncontrollable cravings for Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream at 11:30 p.m. You’ll lose your motivation. You won’t “feel” like working out. These self-sabotaging behaviors are all symptoms of a self-concept that’s inconsistent with your present results.
The part of the self-concept that affects your physical condition and ability to achieve your perfect weight is called the SELF-IMAGE. Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon and author of the best seller, Psycho Cybernetics, stumbled onto the discovery of self-image with his patients. Even though he had corrected physical defects and deformities with surgery, his patients often retained their old self-image and continued to see themselves as “ugly,” “scarred,” or “deformed” even though they appeared quite beautiful by society’s standards. As a result, they continued to behave as they always had; shy, retiring, lacking in confidence.
This led Dr. Maltz to the conclusion that changing the physical image was not the real key to changes in personality and behavior. There was “something else.” That something else is the self-image. When the self-image is “reconstructed,” the person changes. If the self-image stays the same, the person’s behavior stays the same.
Emerson once wrote, “Of what use to make heroic vows of amendment if the same old lawbreaker is to keep them? Jesus taught us that it is folly to put new wine into old bottles or a patch of new material on an old garment. People who don’t understand self-image erroneously put all their attention on changing their eating and exercise behaviors, but the problem with this physical-only approach is that it’s not addressing the SOURCE or cause of the behavior. The source of your behavior is your mental self-image. You are more than just a body. You are a body, a mind and a spirit. You will always act - and can ONLY act - like the type of person you SEE yourself to be in your mind.
If you see yourself as a fat person, you will behave like a fat person. If you see yourself as a lean, fit and healthy person, you will behave like a lean, fit and healthy person. A fat person would never work out faithfully every day of the week, so why is it any surprise that someone with a “fat person” self-image would skip workouts? Their brain is programmed to skip workouts. Someone with a “fat person” self-image would never eat healthy, low fat, low sugar, low calorie meals, so why would it be surprising that they cheat on their diet and binge on junk food? After all, their brain is programmed to eat junk. Is this starting to make sense?
To make a lasting change, you must work on the physical AND the mental planes. Of course you have to change your lifestyle, exercise and nutrition habits, but the real secret is not trying to force new behaviors, but changing the self-image which controls the behavior. Put your energy on a new mental picture, and the new picture will create new behaviors. Best of all, the new behaviors that spring from a positive new self-image will come without as much effort or willpower because they’re hard-wired into every cell of your body. The “unseen forces” are now working for you instead of against you.
So, lets suppose you have the self-image of an unfit or overweight person… How the heck do you change it if it’s so deeply embedded in your mind from years of conditioning? There are four simple steps:
STEP 1: CREATE YOUR NEW SELF IMAGE
The first step is to choose your new self-image. You could say this is goal setting, but your self-image is not as much a “goal” as it is a PICTURE IN YOUR MIND. I was on a conference call with success coach Bob Proctor last night and one of the participants said her goal was to lose weight. Bob said something to her that really struck me. He said, “Have you ever noticed how people are always losing weight and gaining it back? Well, it’s because if you lose something, your subconscious mind will immediately begin looking for it. Instead, you have to release it and be at your perfect weight. And your perfect weight is a not just a goal, it’s a picture.”
So what you have to do first is decide what would you really like to look like if you could have any body you wanted. See the picture in your mind. Make it clear, vivid and dynamic. Dream. Fantasize. You’ve been endowed with an amazing creative faculty called imagination. Use it - it’s the starting point of a new self-image and all lasting changes.
Many people get scared at this step and ask only for what they think they can get, not what they really want. It’s okay if this scares you a little. In fact, if your goal isn’t scary and exciting at the same time, then you’re not thinking big enough. Don’t sell yourself short. Ask for what you really WANT. Ignore anyone who tells you to “be realistic.” Take that "lid" off your mind and DREAM!
STEP 2: CREATE A WRITTEN DESCRIPTION OF YOUR NEW IMAGE
Once you’ve got the picture in mind, the second step is to put a description of your new image in writing. The act of writing what you want on paper is an intermediary step in going from the ethereal, untouchable state of thought (imagination & dreams) to the concrete, tangible state of form. Once on paper (or a “goal card” you carry with you), your image has in essence, begun the transformation from mental to physical. When you write your goal, use the three P’s: POSITIVE (what you want to achieve, not what you want to avoid or get rid of), PERSONAL (use the word “I”) and PRESENT tense (an already-having-received attitude). Don’t worry if it’s not perfect. Just sit down and write, write, write. You can always go back and edit, change or update it later. Just start.
STEP 3: ACT THE PART
What you’ve done in the first two steps is literally to create a new role for yourself. You’ve written your own script. Be like George C Scott playing General Patton. He didn’t just act. He became Patton - he lived the part. So do all great actors. Be an actor or actress and step into your new role.
This will feel awkward at first. Resistance will well up inside you. People will criticize you and say you’re a crazy dreamer. It will feel like you’re lying to yourself. Continue to play the new role anyway. Fake it until you make it. Someone once said that most people live like they were extras in their own movies. Why settle for less when you can be the writer, producer, director and STAR of your own movie? Create the character and write the script exactly as you’d like to be and then play the part until the part becomes real.
Take actions that are consistent with the new image you’ve created. Act the part. Do something every day that moves you closer to your goal. Get moving! Ask yourself, “What would a person with the type of body I want do in this situation?” Then do it. Act as though you were already the owner of your ultimate dream body. A very wise person once said, “Act as though I am and I will be.”
You must take action. I’m not suggesting a Pollyanna positive thinking only approach. Affirmations are an effective part of realizing your new image, but as motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, “Affirmation without action is the beginning of delusion.” In fact, Maltz pointed out in Psycho Cybernetics that the reason affirmations and positive thinking don’t always work is because they cannot be used as a crutch to the same old self-image. What I'm suggesting to you is positive thinking, positive visualizing, positive action AND the fourth and final step, positive reinforcement, in order to change your old self image.
STEP 4: REINFORCE THE IMAGE DAILY… EVEN HOURLY
The fourth step is to re-program your mind by replacing the old image with the new image through repetition, repetition, repetition. Repetition is the mother of learning and the father of a new self-image. It took a long time for your current self-image to develop so you can’t expect it to change overnight. It takes at least 21 days of CONSISTENT effort for the roots of a new image to form and sometimes up to 90 days before the roots shoot up through the ground and become visible for all the world to see. Remember, there is a gestation period for everything. Be patient and persistent.
Installing your new self-image is achieved by visualizing, reading, thinking and writing your written description over and over again, day after day, until the new image becomes reality. These four methods of reinforcement and repetition will burn the new image into your subconscious mind like data onto a CD.
Visualizing is especially powerful. Psychologists have known for decades that the human brain and nervous system can’t distinguish between an experience that is real and one that is vividly imagined. When you vividly imagine yourself the way you want to be, doing the things you want to do, these mental pictures are not only accepted by your subconscious as real, they are accepted as commands or instructions. Project your image onto the screen of your mind. Remember, it’s your movie, so you can project anything you want. Visualizing your perfect body image while you’re in a physically relaxed state is even more powerful because your subconscious is more impressionable when you're relaxed.
Thinking constructively also begins to dissolve the old image and solidify the new one. Your self-concept is influenced by outside suggestions, but the greatest influence on your mind is your own thoughts and “self-talk.” The conversation you have with yourself in your head every minute of every day maintains your current self-image and performance level, whether that’s enjoying high achievement or wallowing in the same old rut. Thoughts, like images, are commands to your subconscious. Once you realize this, you start getting very careful of what you think about. Watch those “I’ms!” Change your thinking patterns to match your new self-image. You become what you think about all day long.
Read your written goal at least twice a day; once in the morning and once again at night. These are the times when your subconscious mind is most impressionable. An incredibly powerful technique is to write your written description on a goal card and carry it with you everywhere you go. Every time you put your hand in your pocket and touch the card, it will make you think about your new image. Every time you get a chance, pull out your card and read it, mentally picturing yourself as if you were already there.
Re-writing your written description is even more effective at impressing your new image into your subconscious than simply reading it. Achievement expert Brian Tracy says that if you write out your goal statement on paper every day, changes will happen so fast, it will almost frighten you. This is an incredibly simple, yet powerful technique.
You may have heard of these techniques before in self-help, goal setting or motivational programs. But admit it - you probably ignored them because they sounded too “cheesy.” My friend, the most profound truths in life are the simplest and most obvious ones. Don’t underestimate the simplicity of these methods. Many people I’ve taught these techniques to wrote them off as trite or corny and didn’t even give them a chance. Nothing changed in their lives. Others followed these instructions to a “T” and transformed their bodies and their lives beyond anything they ever imagined.
There’s immense power in mental images. The formula is simple: Decide what you want to look like, project your new image on the screen of your mind (visualize), think about the “new you” constantly, create a written description of your new image and read it at least twice per day, (write it out daily for even more impact), then follow through with actions that are consistent with your goal. Your marvelous and powerful mind will do the rest.
One of these days Lisa will have to post her entire library for us to peruse!
__________________ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -- Carlos Castaneda
Great article,
I believe you can manifest anything you want or need, (its a concept I still struggle with), but something I constantly work on.
Alot of it is just basic positive thinking..Mind Power
I attend a meditation circle led by a Native American, and alot of what we work on is putting together a plan to manifest things that we want in our/others lives..
A few things that come to mind in setting the goals are,
1. You need to decide whats in it for your spirit if you achieve this goal,
why should they/it/the universe/you make it happen
2. What are you prepared to give up in order to achive this,
to bring in something new you need to dump something that is holding you back..
and finally the 7 shamans principles
1.The world is what you think it is
2. There are no limits
3. Energy flows where attention goes
4. Now is the moment of power
5. Aloha "love is to be happy with"
6. Mana "all power comes from within"
7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth
This was good to read, thanks Lisa/gymrat/MindPower
__________________
And major action will certainly make you feel a bit uncomfortable, which is absolutely fine. You've gotta get excited about feeling uncomfortable, you've gotta love feeling slightly uncomfortable, because you know that you're stepping outside the boundaries that you used to create.
Zach Even-Esh
I've made some huge mistakes, but they were necessary, because without them I wouldn't have learned anything.
-Dave Tate
I've had two people discuss with me this very topic, though not about faloss. (My career, relatiosnhips, etc.) Apparantly I definately have issues with my self image.
I do have a hard time stickign to my diet wehn I'm trying to lose fat, and usually put the fat back on. As far as pcturing what I want to look like, I guess I could take it a step futher and print out some pics of me when I was lean and hang them in certain places - like the fridge.
__________________ - It's Rage, the rules are different!
- Rage is more ... testosteron-y
- Keep a rage handy to wipe your fingers so your not tempted to lick them
Lisa~ has another great article that I PM'd her to post here. It's a long one, but I'm positive will be well worth reading. C'mon guys tell her she needs to post it.
__________________ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -- Carlos Castaneda
Great article, I found the reference to Brian Tracy very timely as I have just recently started listening to some of his recordings (Psychology of Achievement is a great one) and have been applying the list making for a few weeks. For me it was like Tom Venuto said, I almost immediately saw my behaviours start to fall in line with my goals. It still feels kinda weird and 'new agey' to jot the stuff down, but I now see that my resistance to such an approach was probably due to self sabotage.
I've seen Emerson quotes pop up a few times in stuff I've read recently, and really liked them. Its probably time to start to look into his stuff, I'm woefully ignorant on his writings.
__________________ "do what you can where you are with what you have"-Teddy Roosevelt
The Past Does Not Equal the Future Only a ghost wallows around in his past, explaining himself with self-descriptors based on a life lived through. You are what you choose today, not what you’ve chosen before.
By Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Who are you? How do you describe yourself? To answer these two questions, you will very likely have to refer to your own history, to a past that has been lived through but to which you are undoubtedly tied and from which you find it difficult to escape. What are your self-descriptors? Are they neat little labels you have accumulated over a lifetime? Do you have a drawer full of self-definitions which you use on a regular basis? They may include tags such as I’m nervous, I’m fat, I’m weak, I’m no good, and a whole catalog of additional “I’ms” that you use.
You probably have many positive I’ms, such as I’m caring, I’m honest, I’m a hard worker, I’m willing to learn, I’m a good person, etc. These positive I’ms are proof that you are a winner – you are strong. And when you succeed in transforming your negative I’ms into positive ones, you’ll be even better!
Self-descriptors are not in themselves inappropriate, but they can be used in harmful ways. The very act of labeling might be a specific deterrent to growth. It’s easy to use the label as justification for remaining the same. Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Once you label me, you negate me.” When the individual must live up to the label, the “self” ceases to exist. The same is true of self-labels. You can be negating yourself by identifying with your trademarks, rather than your own potential for growth.
All self-labels come out of an individual’s history. But the past, as the American poet Carl Sandburg said in \Prairie, “is a bucket of ashes.”
Check yourself out on the extent to which you are chained to your past. Most self-defeating I’ms are the result of the use of these four negative sentences:
1) “That’s me.”
2) “I’ve always been that way.”
3) “I can’t help it.”
4) “That’s my nature.”
These are the thoughts that keep many from growing, changing, and making their lives exciting and heaped with present-moment fulfillment.
I know of a grandmother who each Sunday when she has the family over for dinner decides exactly how much each person will eat by deliberately portioning out plates to her own specifications. She gives each person two slices of meat, a spoonful of peas, a clump of potatoes, and on and on. When asked, “Why do you do that?” she responds with, “Oh, I’ve always been that way.” Why? Because “That’s just the way I am.” Grandma’s rationale for her behavior is her own label, which comes from a past of always having behaved in that manner.
Some people will actually use all four sentences in one shot when confronted with their behavior. For example, you might ask someone why he always gets upset when the subject of not exercising arises, and he may respond like this: “Oh, that’s just me. I’ve always been that way. I really can’t help it. It’s just my nature.” Whew! All four at once, and each being used as an explanation for why he will never be different and never even consider changing.
Your I’ms, which describe self-canceling behavior, can very likely be traced to something you’ve learned in the past. Every time you use one of these four sentences, you are really saying, “And I intend to continue being the way I’ve always been!”
One or more of your I’ms can probably be found in the list below. The point is not which labels you choose but that you allow yourself to hold onto negative labels at all.
Here’s the good news: you can begin to unknot the ropes which link you to your past by eliminating the fruitless sentences which are spoken to keep you just as you’ve always been.
If you are genuinely satisfied with all of your I’ms, then let them be, but if you can admit to any of these or other I’ms getting in your way, it’s time to make some changes. Let’s begin with an understanding of the origins of the I’ms.
Some people want to label you, to pigeonhole you into neat little categories. The well-known novelist and poet D.H. Lawrence saw the folly of this labeling process in his poem, What Is He?*
What is he?
—A man, of course?
Yes, but what does he do?
—He lives and is a man.
Oh quite! But he must work. He must have a job of some sort.
—Why?
Because obviously he’s not one of the leisured classes.
— I don’t know. He has lots of leisure. And he makes quite beautiful chairs.
There you are then! He’s a cabinet maker.
—No, no!
Anyhow a carpenter and a joiner.
—Not at all.
But you said so.
—What did I say?
That he made chairs and was a joiner and carpenter.
—l said he made chairs, but I did not say he was a carpenter.
All right then, he’s just an amateur?
—Perhaps! Would you say a thrush was a professional flautist, or just an amateur?
I’d say it was just a bird.
—And say he is just a man.
All right! You always did quibble.
(*The Complete Poems of D.H. Lawrence, Vol. I. edited by Vivian de Sola Pinto and F. Warren Roberts; copyright 1929 by Frieda Lawrence Ravagli; by permission of The Viking Press. Inc.)
Here is a list of I’ms that may be included in your own self-portrait and may be preventing you from becoming the great person you really are:
I’m Shy
I’m a Loser
I’m Fat
I’m Lazy
I’m a Poor Speller
I’m Not Attractive
I’m Timid
I’m Not Athletic
I’m Afraid
I’m Sickly
I’m Sloppy
I’m Clumsy
I’m Stubborn
I’m Anxious
I’m Accident Prone
I’m Forgetful
I’m Short Fused
I’m No Good
I’m Careless
I’m Weak
I’m Vindictive
I’m a Loner
I’m Irresponsible
I’m Bored
I’m Nervous
How Your I’ms Got Started
Your I’ms probably fall into two general categories—the first kind come from other people. They were pinned on you as a child, and you may carry them around with you to this day. The other labels are the result of a decision you made to keep from having to take on uncomfortable or difficult challenges.
The first category is by far the most prevalent and can be set in motion by experiences like this: Jane Smith is in the second grade. She goes to her art class every day, full of delight about coloring and dabbling in paint. But, her teacher tells her she really isn’t all that good, and she begins to stay away from it because she, like us, doesn’t like disapproval. Before long, she believes “I’m not good at art.” With enough avoidance behavior, she reinforces this notion and, as an adult, when asked why she doesn’t draw, she says, “Oh, I’m not good at it. I’ve always been that way.”
Most I’ms are leftovers, hangers-on from a time when you heard such sentences as: “He’s kind of clumsy; his brother is good at athletics, but he’s the studious one.” Or, “You’re just like me—I was never good at spelling either.” Or, “Joe was always the shy one.” Or, “He’s just like his father; he couldn’t carry a tune with a wheelbarrow.” These are the birthrights to a lifetime of I’ms that are simply accepted as a condition of life.
Here’s an interesting exercise: have a conversation with the people in your life whom you feel are most responsible for many of your I’ms (parents, long-time family friends, teachers, grandparents, etc.). Ask them how they think you got to be the way you are and if you’ve always been that way. Tell them you have decided to change and see if they believe you are capable. You may be surprised at their interpretations and how they feel you can’t be any different since, “You’ve always been that way.” But remember, they most likely feel that way because that’s the way they are. (They don’t believe they can change.)
The second category of I’ms originates in those convenient tags you’ve learned to place on yourself in order to avoid distasteful activities. For example, one of my clients who’s 46 wants very much to attend college because he missed out on his opportunity when he was younger. But he’s threatened by the prospect of being in academic competition with young people right out of high school. Fear of failure and doubt about his intellectual capacities scare him. He looks at catalogs regularly, and with the help he receives, he has taken the appropriate entrance examinations and arranged an interview with an admissions official at a local community college. But he still uses his I’ms to skirt the actual doing process. He justifies his inaction with, “I’m too old, I’m not smart enough, and I’m not really interested.” He’s held back by those I’ms and is being denied one of his dreams.
Here another example: a colleague of mine employs his I’ms to get out of tasks he doesn’t enjoy. He avoids having to fix the doorbell or the radio or any unpleasant handyman activity by simply reminding his wife, “Now you know, dear, I’m just not mechanical.” These kinds of I’ms are adaptive behaviors, but they are nevertheless negative. Instead of saying, “I find this kind of activity dull or uninteresting, and I choose not to work at it in my present moments” (which is perfectly logical and healthy), it becomes easier to simply haul out an I’m.
In these cases, the individuals are saying something about themselves. They are stating, “I am a finished product in this area, and I am never going to be any different.” If you are a finished product, all tied up and put away, you have stopped growing, and while you may very well want to hang onto some I’ms, you may find that others are simply limiting and self-destructive.
Here is a list of some labels that are relics of the past. If any of them belong to you, I suggest you consider changing them. Keep in mind this is not a discussion of the things you just plain don’t enjoy but rather a look at behavior that keeps you away from activities which you might get a great deal of pleasure and excitement from.
“I’m Categories” and Their Effects
1) I’m poor at math, spelling, reading, languages, etc.
This I’m guarantees that you won’t put in the effort required to change. The academic I’m is designed to keep you from ever having to do the hard work involved in mastering subject matter you have traditionally found difficult or boring. As long as you label yourself inept, you have a built-in reason to avoid tackling it.
2) I’m lousy at some skill areas such as sports, weight lifting, acting, etc.
This I’m assures that you won’t have to do any of these things in the future and justifies any poor performance in the past. “I’ve always been that way; it’s just my nature.” This attitude reinforces your inertia, and, more important, it causes you to hang onto the absurd notion that you shouldn’t do anything if you don’t do it really well. Thus, unless you’re the champion, avoidance is better than participation.
3) I’m weak, reserved, have no will power etc.
The blame is often put on genetics for these I’ms. Rather than challenging them and the self-destructive thinking which supports them, you simply accept them as a confirmation of the way you’ve always been. Also, you can blame your parents and use them as the reason for these I’ms. You make them the cause and don’t have to work at being different. You choose this behavior as a way to avoid being assertive in situations which have always been troublesome for you. These are likely leftover I’ms from your childhood in which others had an inherent interest in having you believe you were incapable of thinking for yourself.
These are the personality I’ms. These self-definitions cause you to avoid the tough business of being different from what you’ve always been. You simply define your personality with a convenient I’m and you can now excuse all kinds of self-forfeiting behaviors as out of your control. You negate the notion that you can choose your own personality and rely instead on your genetic misfortune to explain away all of those personality traits you would like to disown.
4) I’m clumsy, uncoordinated, etc.
These I’ms that you learned as a child enable you to avoid potential ridicule that might come your way because you aren’t as physically skilled as you or others think you should be. Of course, your lack of skill comes from a history of believing those I’ms and hence avoiding physical activity rather than from some inherent defect. You get good at what you practice, not what you shun. If you keep these I’ms, you’ll have to stay on the sidelines watching and wishing... pretending you really don’t like that sort of thing.
5) I’m unattractive, ugly, big-boned, plain, too tall, too short, etc.
These physiological I’ms are helpful in keeping you from taking risks with the opposite sex and in justifying the poor self-image and lack of love you may have “accidentally” chosen for yourself or been labeled with. As long as you describe yourself in this fashion, or let others describe you this way, you have an excuse for not putting all of yourself on the line in a relationship. (Warning: we see exactly what we choose to—even in mirrors!)
6) I’m unorganized, sloppy, etc.
These behavioral I’ms are convenient for manipulating others and in justifying why things have to be done a certain way. I’ve always done it that way. As if tradition were a reason to do anything. And I will always do it that way is the unstated message. By relying on the way you’ve always done it, you don’t ever have to entertain the risky notion of doing it differently, and you can simultaneously ensure that everyone around you will do it your way as well. This, like many other I’ms, calls upon “policy” as a substitute for conscious thought.
7) I’m forgetful, lazy, irresponsible, undisciplined, careless, etc.
These kinds of I’ms are especially useful to you when you want to vindicate yourself for some ineffective behavior. These I’ms keep you from ever going to work on your memory or your carelessness, and you justify yourself with the conditioned excuse: “That’s me.”
As long as you rely on these I’ms when you act in any of the ways described above, you will never truly be open or willing to change. If you go on forgetting and reminding yourself that you can’t really help it, you’ll always be forgetful.
8) I’m Italian, German, Jewish, Irish, Black, White, Chinese, etc.
These are your ethnic or cultural I’ms, and they work very well when you run out of other reasons to explain some behaviors you have, which don’t work for you. Whenever you find yourself operating in stereotypical ways associated with your subculture, you simply trot out your ethnic I’m as a justification. For example, I once asked a maître d’ why he seemed so excitable and reacted to the slightest problem with outrageous outbursts. He responded, “What do you expect from me? I’m Italian. I can’t help it.”
9) I’m bossy, pushy, authoritarian, etc.
Here your I’m can allow you to continue hostile acts, rather than try to transform that pattern of action. You may sugarcoat the behavior with “I can’t help it. I’ve always been that way.”
10) I’m old, middle-aged, tired, etc.
With this I’m, you can use your age as a reason for not participating in what might be risky or threatening yet rewarding activities. Whenever you find yourself faced with an activity such as a sports event, dating after a divorce, or the death of a spouse, traveling, or the like, you can just say, “I’m too old,” and you will have eliminated any attendant risks that go with trying something new and growth producing.
The implication of an “age-I’m” is that you are absolutely finished in this area, and since you will always get older, you are finished growing and experiencing anything new.
The rewards for hanging onto your past by trotting out your I’ms can be neatly summed up in the one word: avoidance. Whenever you subconsciously want to dodge a certain kind of activity or to gloss over a challenge, you might end up justifying yourself with an I’m. In fact, after you use these labels enough, you begin to believe them yourself, and at that moment, you are trapped! And, unless you decide to try to change, you may unfortunately, remain as you are for the rest of your days. It’s a vicious circle.
Please carefully examine the “I’m circle” below and remember, rather than trying to intervene between points 3 and 4 on the circle, you should focus on the 5th point. That’s where you’ll find your reasons to change.
The vicious circle above can be applied to virtually all I’ms that are self-limiting. Consider the “circle” of someone who believes they were “born to be fat.”
Rather than stop at point 4, change your approach by going to point 5 and identifying your reasons to change!
You can look at your own circle of behaviors and begin to challenge any aspect of your life in which you’ve chosen to be a “finished product.”
Every time you use an I’m to explain a behavior you don’t like, you’re denying yourself the positive reward you would receive should you change.
It may seem easier to “label” yourself than to change, but oftentimes, not changing is the hardest work of all.
Perhaps you ascribe the reasons for your labels to your parents or to other significant adults in your childhood such as your teachers, neighbors, grandparents, and the like. By giving them responsibility for your present-day I’m, you’ve given them a measure of control over your life today, elevated them to a higher position than you, and ingeniously created an alibi for staying in your present condition. A neat little payoff indeed—one that provides you with a warranty against any risk taking. If it’s the “culture’s” fault that you have this I’m, you can’t do anything about it.
Strategies for Freeing Yourself From the Past and Eliminating Your Negative, Self-Limiting I’ms
Leaving the past behind involves taking risks. You may have become accustomed to your self-definitions. In many cases, they seem like a “support system” in your daily life, but, in reality, they are more often the cause of life’s challenges and not the solution. Some specific strategies for eliminating no-good I’ms include:
1) Eliminating I’m wherever you can. Substitute with such sentences as, “Until today, I’ve chosen to be that way,” or “I used to be like that, but now I’m different.”
2) Announce to those close to you that you’re going to work at eliminating some of your negative I’ms and begin to develop even more positive I’ms. Ask your friends to remind you whenever you fall back on your old I’ms.
3) Set behavioral goals to act differently than you’ve ever acted before. For example, if you consider yourself lazy, get off the couch or chair and go for a 20-minute walk instead of watching TV. That’s how simple it is to change!
4) Talk with a trusted confidant who will help you break the ties of the past. Ask him or her to write you a brief note whenever you’re “caught” falling back into your “old rut.”
5) Keep a journal of your self-destructive I’m behavior, and record your actions as well as how you were feeling about yourself while you were behaving that way. For one week, record in a journal the exact time, date, and occasion when you used any of the self-destructive I’ms, and work at diminishing the entries.
6) Watch out for the four negative sentences, and whenever you fall into using them, correct yourself out loud in the following way: instead of saying, “That’s me,” say, “That was me.” Rather than think “I can’t help it,” think, “I can and will change that when I decide to.”
Instead of explaining “I’ve always been that way”… insist… “I’m going to be different.”
Also change “That’s my nature.”... to... “That’s what I used to believe was my nature.”
7) Work each day on eliminating one I’m just for that day. If you’ve used “I’m forgetful” as a self-descriptor, devote Monday to working specifically at being consciously aware of this pattern, and alter one or two forgetful behaviors. Similarly, if you don’t like your stubbornness I’m, promise yourself one day to be tolerant of contrary opinions, and you’ll be on your way to ridding yourself of that I’m too.
8) You can focus your own “I’m Circle” on point 5 and resolve to find your reason to change.
9) Find something you’ve never done and set aside an afternoon for that activity. After three hours of immersion in a totally new activity, one that you’ve always avoided in the past, see if you can still use the same I’m that you applied that morning.
Realize that your I’ms are learned avoidance patterns, and you can learn to be almost anything if you decide to do so.
Conclusion
You are the product of your decisions, and every I’m you treasure could be relabeled, “I’ve chosen to be.” Go back to the opening questions in this chapter, Who are you? And how do you describe yourself? Think of three new “positive I’ms” as well as three labels which may be keeping you from living your life as fully as you deserve to.
Remember what Merlin, the magician and gifted visionary said about learning:
“The best thing for being sad,” replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, “is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies; you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins; you may miss your only love; you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics; or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds.
“There is only one thing for it then: to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.
“Look at what a lot of things there are to learn—pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six.
“And then, after you have exhausted a million lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and economics, why, you can start to make a wheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend 50 years learning to defeat your adversary at fencing.”*
The bottom line is this: any old I’m which keeps you from growing, learning, or changing must be replaced. Try this new one on for size: “I’m a person who can and will grow and learn and change!” Write this down on a piece of paper and read it first thing in the morning and again at night—within four weeks, you’ll adopt another new I’m—a positive one: “I’m ready for any challenge!”
(*Terence H. White. The Once and Future King, New York: C.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1958.)
Dr. Wayne W. Dyer is the author of Real Magic and Pulling Your Own Strings. This article is adapted from the #1 Bestseller Your Erroneous Zones (Published by arrangement with Harper-Collins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved.)
__________________ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -- Carlos Castaneda
I'd pay to have her train me. I guess I'll have to settle for all her knowledge for free on this, the greatest web site on the web.
man, I love this place. : )
Too bad you don't live closer to me, Lisa. I want you for my trainer!!
Thanks guys!
Michelle, You're not that far away. I know it's too far for a steady thing, but you're welcome to come over once in a while. I'd enjoy getting together with you!
Just read that article in Alwyn's newsletter. That was great, rings very true for me. I do always seem to get sloppy when I try to make a big change, particularly for bodyfat dropping. I can usually gain muscle and strength cause I've been strong for a long time and I just love being strong. But getting lean is out of my comfort zone, I will definitely put this strategy to work, time to get writing. Luckily I have seen pretty much the body I want, when I got back from the field at Survival training, 18-20lbs lost in 6 days, a lot was water, but when I looked in the mirror for the first time ever without flexing, my biceps vains popped, chest was striated, and abs popped out, of course I'll try to do it a little slower this time and hang on to my strength.
What really hit me was this:
“What would a person with the type of body I want do in this situation?”
That's getting posted on my desktop, fridge, nightstand, and next to my TV. I've got to get off my ass more, I'm dedicated as hell to the weight room, but I've got to increase NEPA, espescially now that I'm cutting and not pounding on my body as much, don't need as much rest.
__________________
I do not workout. I TRAIN.
I do not eat. I FEED.
I do not sleep. I RECHARGE.
My greatest fear in this life is the fear of being ordinary.
I'm glad to see this thread hitting the nail on the head for so many people. That's exactly what I was hoping for.
"This is exactly what I was looking for!"
Just one question, should I do 3 sets of curls or 27?
__________________
I do not workout. I TRAIN.
I do not eat. I FEED.
I do not sleep. I RECHARGE.
My greatest fear in this life is the fear of being ordinary.
I don't think it matters..... Just be sure to do them in the squat rack as to not hurt yourself. Also, it's very important to grunt real loud while doing them. :p
Your Self Image - don't sabotage yourself
I'm glad she came around to call this "home".
Thanks guys!
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