I will be getting married come September, and all I hear is I want to be a buff bride. To be totally honest there is not a thing in the world I would rather see than my fiancée get her ass into shape.
She is 23 years old, 5’4” and she currently weighs around 169lbs, about 45%BF. Her diet is not the greatest, she is the kind of gal that MUST see desert after a good meal in order to make it complete, she works a sit-down job 30 hours a week and other than that she visits the gym for about an hour once a week. She doesn’t pay any attention to how many calories go in at all, and things seem to be getting worse by the day.
I have tried, and tried, and tried, to get her on a weight loss program that will work for her, but every time I mention weight loss, or workout, or diet she freaks out. I look at her mother and I look at her and I can remember the days when I always said to her, you better start doing something about your weight now, if you don’t want to look like your mother, her reply “Man, I won’t ever look like that” It seems that she just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and at this point I am just not physically attracted like I should be. She says “I won’t ever have the body I did when I was like 19” as if she is 50 and falling apart.
I feel so bad, and I want to help her but every time I try she rejects me, gets upset, starts crying, thinks I hate her, etc. What am I doing wrong here, SHE MUST DO SOMETHING NOW, how can I get her motivated without hurting her feelings.
Well, if she insists that she can't do it, then that is your first obstacle. She's got to want it bad enough, and believe that she can at least improve.
Your second obstacle is the food. Have her track her calories, monitor her food, etc. If she continues to CHOOSE to eat anything and everything, then she will not lose weight.
Last of the challenges would be getting her to exercise. Start very small: walking, bodweight exercises.
First of all you HAVE to ger HER to want to begin. Your encouragment is good, but not enough.
Another possibility is to workout together. Find a simple routine that she can handle... and do it together, in the privacy of your own home. Being comfortable and having a mentor can make starting that much easier.
Originally posted by yovwmon: She is 23 years old, 5’4” and she currently weighs around 169lbs, about 45%BF.
This...
Quote:
Her diet is not the greatest, she is the kind of gal that MUST see desert after a good meal in order to make it complete, she works a sit-down job 30 hours a week and other than that she visits the gym for about an hour once a week. She doesn’t pay any attention to how many calories go in at all, and things seem to be getting worse by the day.
is caused by this. Now fitness is a lifestyle, theres nothing so overwhelming about dessert that makes you MUST have it. The sit-down job isnt so much of an issue, but only working out an hour once a week is not enough. Its easily fixable though.
Quote:
I have tried, and tried, and tried, to get her on a weight loss program that will work for her, but every time I mention weight loss, or workout, or diet she freaks out. I look at her mother and I look at her and I can remember the days when I always said to her, you better start doing something about your weight now, if you don’t want to look like your mother, her reply “Man, I won’t ever look like that” It seems that she just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and at this point I am just not physically attracted like I should be. She says “I won’t ever have the body I did when I was like 19” as if she is 50 and falling apart.
I feel so bad, and I want to help her but every time I try she rejects me, gets upset, starts crying, thinks I hate her, etc. What am I doing wrong here, SHE MUST DO SOMETHING NOW, how can I get her motivated without hurting her feelings.
Somebody please help me quick!
Read this and see if you can apply this to your situation: Click me
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"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
Having been in your shoes before and having failed MISSERABLY, all I can say is: If she wants to lose weight and has the drive to do it then thats all she needs, extra encouragement from you in the form of positive feedback and exercise knowledge would be icing on the cake BUT, above all else just make sure she knows you love her how she is and nothing can change that. Just remember, don't push her, support her. You are journeying into sensitive grounds here, GOOD LUCK!!!
She's has to want it for herself. Not much you can do to force her into losing weight. Try encouragement and make sure you're doing everything right. Lead by example. If that doesn't work and you're about to get married you may have to talk to her about how you feel about it. It may get you in trouble at first, but being honest with each other always works in the end.
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"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable."
- Christopher Reeve
Have you tried to offer to cook all of her meals for her. I mean ALL of them. She's has to like being served morning, noon and night, right?
I've been through a similar situation with my wife -- after the birth of our first child. The problem with just words of encouragement is that you're asking HER to commit to something. By participating YOU are commiting to something that might be difficult as well (in your case cooking all those meals).
That sort of joint ownership of responsibilities might be more comforting to her. Think of it like a carrot and stick analogy. You certainly want to present the carrot to a fiancee especially if she isn't responding to the stick.
She also may be a bit scared of failure and you need to be sensitive to that as well.
Originally posted by UpNorth:
That sort of joint ownership of responsibilities might be more comforting to her. Think of it like a carrot and stick analogy. You certainly want to present the carrot to a fiancee especially if she isn't responding to the stick.
Make sure its a carrot and not a carrot cake [img]tongue.gif[/img]
__________________
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
Let's see. She's 23 and severely overweight, with, apparently, a pattern of steadily increasing additional weight. Her mother sounds as if she's grossly obese. Your fiance's eating habits and weight are a highly emotional issue, something that's not really open for discussion. (When you bring it up, it sounds like she thinks you're nagging.) And--uh-oh!--her weight figures in your sense of her attractiveness, and seems to be affecting your libido.
There seem to be other patterns here than her increasing weight. It sounds like she's going to keep on, getting fatter and fatter, less and less attractive--and less and less healthy. Serious illness such as diabetes and cardiac problems may lie ahead. Your libido may get lower and lower, and your wife will probably take that as a reflection on her (as it is, really).
I'm a total stranger, and your life is none of my business, really, but you did ask for help. Others can correct me if I'm totally off base, but your posts seem to have a sub-text, a question that's not asked explicitly, but may be under the surface: is this marriage really a good thing as things now stand?
I ask that because 47+ years of marriage have convinced me of one great truth: a husband or wife seldom changes because his or her partner desires a change. And if someone wants his or her spouse to change, w/o change ever taking place, resentments start to seethe under the surface...and almost inevitably get expressed in anger and recrimination. To take a fairly minor incompatibility from my own marriage, my wife is very, very tidy, and I tend to let messes accumulate until they're finally too much for even me, and I plunge into a whirlwind of picking up after myself. (I say "minor incompatibility," but my wife probably has another opinion.) Another issue is smoking. I was a very heavy smoker, something as bad for my health as obesity. My smoking was not an issue in my marriage, because my wife was also a heavy smoker. Had she not been, this would have been a major issue (We both stopped 6 years ago, when I had reason to quit that I couldn't overlook.)
The effect that a woman's weight has on your sense of her attractiveness is a major issue, and one that fairly predictably will worsen over time. Love and sex obviously are not identical, but a marriage in which either partner finds the other unattractive doesn't strike me as a pleasant proposition.
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"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument." William Gibbs McAdoo. US Vice-President under Woodrow Wilson.
Here's a postscript. I responded to your post pretty frankly, and worried that it was too brutal, so I looked up your other posts, discovering that you've been through a transformation that YOU wanted, the kind of change that you hope for in your intended. You stopped smoking. You altered your diet. You started working out--and you're pleased with the result. And you did all this in your mid- to late-20s. I can relate to all this, as an ex-smoker and former chubby couch potato, who much later in life (mid-60s) lost weight and became a gym rat who now can bench press 80 pounds more than I could a few years ago.
For years, my wife was disturbed that I was overweight and got no exercise. And I was pretty bad: couldn't walk half a block,slowly, without stopping to rest. When I made up my mind to work out regularly, my wife didn't think I would last a month, maybe not even a week. When it was apparent that I was changing for good, there was a brief period in which there was a little resentment that I was following through.
Question. Reading about your diet, I wonder how food choices will be made in your household to be.In any case, take care and good luck!
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"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument." William Gibbs McAdoo. US Vice-President under Woodrow Wilson.
This is difficult situation. As others have mentioned, *she's* got to want to change because she's the only one who can do something about her current weight or body composition. She's got to do the work, she's got to eat the right things, etc. On some level, she's got to get rid of the attitude of "I want my weight to change, but I don't want to change anything to obtain it." She needs to understand a simple truth: to change your weight or your appearance, you will have to stop doing some things you are currently doing and do other things you currently are not doing. Being close to her, you may not be in the best position to tell her this. However, sometimes, giving her an article by someone else will help. I suggest this: go to http://www.bodyrecomposition.com/ and go into the articles section. Go into the training section and look for the "training secrets" article. Print that out and give it to her (or see if you can have someone else give it to her, if she might be more receptive receiving it from another person). That is the article I always give people who ask me for advice. The best results I've gotten by giving advice come from people who read that article and took it to heart.
Good luck! I do not envy your situation, but I am hopeful for you.
My fiance isn't overweight, but she has similar problems with motivation. She has the superfluous desire to get into shape, but the consistent execution just isn't there.
One thing that I did, as UpNorth suggested, is I began cooking all of our dinners. I convinced her that it was because I had specific dietary goals I wanted to address (which was the truth), so I would do all the cooking and she was welcome to reap the benefits.
For exercise, I used bribery. I offered to be her personal trainer. She would pay me $5 per week for my services. If she did all of her scheduled workouts that week, I would match the $5 and we would put all the money in an envelope. In a year, she would get all the money to spend on a new wardrobe for her new fit body. This worked for a couple months, but when she started a new job, her free time was reduced and she "fired" me for a while. Just recently, though, we've gotten back into the swing of things and started up the workouts (and payments) again.
WOW, what great advice from everyone. This site is great, I have never seen so many people so willing to help a complete stranger. To go into a little more detail her diet isn’t exactly as bad as I may have originally made it seem. She does eat right when it comes to meals, she just packs away a lot more than she probably should.
I did get some blue sky from this situation just the other day, she mentioned how she always loved riding her mountain bike and how she wants to start again this summer. We are going to go look at some bikes tonight, pretty sure we will be buying something real soon.
I live right by the Cuyhoga Valley National Parks and they have spent millions building these awesome bike trails. If I can get her out on these on the weekends maybe that will be a good start. Again I truly appreciate everyone’s suggestions in this time of frustration.
Gardener, youre not off base, I was thinking the same thing as you. If this is a huge issue, Id get it resolved before ya'll make things official because marriage isnt going to change it.
__________________
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
As a married guy, I think that gardener really hit the nail on the head.
"I ask that because 47+ years of marriage have convinced me of one great truth: a husband or wife seldom changes because his or her partner desires a change."
"Others can correct me if I'm totally off base, but your posts seem to have a sub-text, a question that's not asked explicitly, but may be under the surface: is this marriage really a good thing as things now stand?
Love and sex obviously are not identical, but a marriage in which either partner finds the other unattractive doesn't strike me as a pleasant proposition."
It will be difficult/impossible to get your fiance to change UNLESS she wants to. Rather than imagine that after you get married and start living together, the diet/lifestyle will change and she will get back in shape, try it the other way. Imagine that she will get heavier, with a poorer self image. Unfortuneately as Gardener suggested, that is usually how it works. People before marriage often imagine that the things they do not like will get better after marriage, in fact they usually do not, and may get worse.
Is this scenario that is going to work for you? Many people might think it is shallow to call off an engagement or DELAY and engagement because of physical things such as weight. But it is more than a weight issue, it is a self estem issue, a health issue, a lifestyle issue, a sex issue and an issue for what kind of lifestyle/enviroment you will be raising your kids in.
I hope I am not coming on too strong on this. I am not trying to advise you to break off your engagement, rather I am trying to reiterate Gardeners point that it probably will not change UNLESS she makes the effort herslef. You cannot change her. It is not only a weight issue. It will affect many parts of your life and before you get married you should be able to make sure you can live happily with her. Be fair to yourself and be fair to her. If you are not sexually attracted to her, are you going to be stepping out? Or are you going to become a monk. Sex and love are different, but most couples need/want both. What do you want. You are still single and this is the last time you can ask that question.
Good Luck
Peter
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Peter
After all, diamonds are a girl's best friend…
Originally posted by gardener: I'm a total stranger, and your life is none of my business, really, but you did ask for help. Others can correct me if I'm totally off base, but your posts seem to have a sub-text, a question that's not asked explicitly, but may be under the surface: is this marriage really a good thing as things now stand?
Yovwmon, if what Gardener says hits home, I want you to please feel free to PM me about things. I've been through that, it's not easy, it's really tough, but I think it could be not as hard if you had someone to talk to thats experienced it, let alone so very recently experienced it. Some things can be worked out, but the other side of the coin are that some things in life just will never be. So feel free to PM if this is the case, peace and strength.
Man and your woman is in her 20's, she could get so badass if she just stayed consistent and not overeat. Check this out, this woman did a BB show but had to do a transformation and get organized. This entire thread runs from Oct '04 to March '05. This is what happens after a few months of a sound diet:
Remember that this is a LIFESTYLE change. You cant throw fitness and diet on top of your regular schedule because it will be too high maintenance. Youve received some suggestions as to how to take some of the burden and anxiety off of her to get her to comply, but if she still wont do it after all of this, then you really have to think about whether you want to put up with this throughout your marriage.
__________________
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
It looks like this topic has been pretty well covered, but you missed the obvious. If you want to motivate your fiance, tell her you slept with her sister.
Start going for walks with her, you make her lunches, dinners, etc, go to the gym with her, make it something you do together. If you make it fun, easy and not a lot of work then she will see that it is not a chore to lose weight. I find that the biggest problem for people, it takes too much time and too much work. If you can make it simple for them to change then it is easier for them to make that change.
Originally posted by laxcdn: I find that the biggest problem for people, it takes too much time and too much work.
This is because they try to throw in working out on top of eating on the go, not getting enough sleep, and not planning things out. If you do this you will fail like everyone else who had a resolution.
Lifestyle change is what its all about. You can invest all you want in the beginning, but if she doesnt keep it up after you stop cooking meals or sacrificing your own workouts, then youll accomplish nothing.
__________________
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
But if you can get her into the routine, then she will more likely keep most of it up. Better to have tried and failed then never try at all. What happens if she continues with it, was it worth it? Also he can workout with her and still do his workouts too.
Lifestyle change is what its all about. You can invest all you want in the beginning, but if she doesnt keep it up after you stop cooking meals or sacrificing your own workouts, then youll accomplish nothing.
This, I think, is really the key to the whole problem.
But if you can get her into the routine, then she will more likely keep most of it up. Better to have tried and failed then never try at all. What happens if she continues with it, was it worth it? Also he can workout with her and still do his workouts too.
You can start her off and ease her into it (which I am all for, so long as you have a plan to wean her off of your help), but at some point she is going to have to be doing the work by her own choice and for her own reasons, not just because you are trying to make things easy. Part of this will involve her prioritizing these new behaviors over whatever else might be in the way, including old inactivity patterns and eating patterns. In the end, results come from ass-busting work (both diet and exercise) and time. The sooner someone is committed to that formula for their own reasons, the better the chance for a long-term solution.
Where the hell is yovwmon? Hes only posted twice in his own thread Perhaps he got his woman to the gym?
__________________
"The strongest steel goes through the hottest fires."-Anonymous
"When you begin to believe nothing is heavy, all weights become light." -Rossbow
"Just remember, somewhere there is a little Chinese girl warming up with your max."-Jim Convroy
"It's a round hole, dammit. Everyone fits."--Anonymous Mod at Strengthmill
Lots of great responses here. It's been said, but I just wanted reiterate that as someone who has tried to motivate friends/gfs/etc... to get into the gym, I've learned that people have to want to do it for themselves or it will never work.
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"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." -- T.S. Eliot
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit."-- Aristotle
Perhaps he got his woman to the gym? 
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