A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
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Those that can't do teach. Those that can't teach consult. Deserve aka Gabe
'8 replies before the gutter! Good job Clubhouse!!!!!' Ninjabookey
Rest and relaxation can be a powerful “nothing” to propel us to greater achievements. Mahler
Stop listening to your wiener. He may want to go for a swim, but you haven't checked if the waters are shark infested yet. Ninjabookey
Originally posted by FlyinM: A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."
There should be a law against telling corny joikes like that one... UGH!
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Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to ! the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........
And, to bring a couple of threads together from another board on this forum.....
B-Day Sex
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to follow his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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Two fleas always take their winter vacation in sunny Florida. One year one of the fleas finds his friend shivering under a blanket on the beach. "What happened to you", he asked.
"I was at a rest stop along the highway when I hopped into this guy's moustache for the rest of the trip down here. Little did I know that he rode a motorcycle, so I spent the last part of the trip clinging to this guy in a 100 mile an hour windstorm".
The first flea said "You have to do what I do. I wait on the toilet in the womens bathroom waiting for a beautiful young lady to come in. When she sits down I hop on up and enjoy an nice warm trip"
The following year the flea is walking along and finds his friend once again shivering under a blanket. "What happened this time?"
The second flea said "I followed your advice. I waited on the toilet in the ladies bathroom and this beautiful blonde walked in. She sat down and I hopped on up. You were right, it was so nice and warm. I was so comfortable I went to sleep. Next think I know I'm in some guy's moustache as he's doing a hundred miles an hour on a motorcycle".
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"A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have."
A Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in a veterinarians office and strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, "What are you here for?"
"I'm a pisser, I piss on everything...the carpet, the sofa, the cat, even the kid. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed."
"So, what is the vet gonna do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection," came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.
"I'm a digger, I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner's couch."
"So, what they gonna go to you?"
"Lethal injection," replied the dejected Lab.
The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.
"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, peoples legs, fire hydrants...anything. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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I want to be pushing weights when I'm 70 instead of a walker in an old folk's home.
Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
Blonde's revenge:
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde bimbo and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the blond, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
And.....one of my all time favorites:
The Plane Ride…
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
A blonde and brunette are working in the office when a beautiful arrangement of flowers arrives for the brunnette.
'Oh, great,' said the brunnette sarcastically, reading the card. 'They're from my husband. I guess this means I'll have to go home and spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.'
'Why?' replied the blond. 'Don't you have a vase?'
__________________
Those that can't do teach. Those that can't teach consult. Deserve aka Gabe
'8 replies before the gutter! Good job Clubhouse!!!!!' Ninjabookey
Rest and relaxation can be a powerful “nothing” to propel us to greater achievements. Mahler
Stop listening to your wiener. He may want to go for a swim, but you haven't checked if the waters are shark infested yet. Ninjabookey
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner…
__________________ Yankee by Birth, Rebel by Choice
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
__________________ Yankee by Birth, Rebel by Choice
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
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Gifted SmartAss Master Class Graduate
A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?”
Wife: I really don’t think I should day.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds.
Husband: well, the, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce
Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much
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Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
The Complete Military History of France
* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
* The Dutch War - Tied
* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough , which they have loved every since.
* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."
* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
* The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
* The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat
boy to France 's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States . Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline. [Not true U.S. was only country not to issue condoms to soldiers.]
* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu.
* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule
of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical
to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -- Sidney J. Harris
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