So my ex and I have been good friends for over half a year after the breakup. This morning, however, she took it upon herself to "fess up" and tell me of not one, but two one-night stands she had while still with me. I knew about a different one, but these were two brand new ones.
Both guys are notorious letches. One has a big boat and tons of $$$ (much like the one I already knew about). The other is a tall, smooth drummer from her band.
She was sure to (nonchalantly, of course) mention, when she argued with the drummer later about it, how great he was in bed, how they connected and of course she would never forget that night.
I told her that it really hurt the most that she told me how "unforgettable" he was. She responded with "No, that's not what I meant. I mean, there were times with you that were unforgettable too! I'm not saying that all of our time together wasn't far more special than that one night with him.... blah blah blah, blah blah..."
We were such good friends for so long! Our relationship had faded away and we were cool and comfortable. Did she have to ruin that and hurt me, just to unburden her conscience?
Originally posted by FishrCutB8: ...and you're from Boston? Man, that just sucks...sorry for your pain...
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Actually, I was born in Pittsburgh, my dad's side of the family is in NJ, I spent my grade school years in Virginia, my parents and brothers have lived in South Carolina for 12 years now (where I went to High School), I went to college near Philly, all my best friends live in NY, which is where I want to be. Boston happens to be my latest stopping point, where I'm going to grad school.
Did she have to ruin that and hurt me, just to unburden her conscience?
I'm sorry you're hurt, and all I know is what you've told--but with maybe a little insight that comes from long experience. Could it be that it was the other way round, that she unburdened her conscience to give hurt? Males who confess to affairs often give hurt twice--in having the affair and then in confessing it. And giving details about the sexual prowess of the guys she cheated with is mean and nasty. The male sense of self-worth is powerfully bound up with our sexual adequacy. (We probably should never ask "How was it for you?" We run the risk of an answer such as, "Oh, it was okay.")
When you say "ex," does that mean wife or something less legal? (But don't answer if it sounds too prying.)
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quote:Did she have to ruin that and hurt me, just to unburden her conscience?
I'm sorry you're hurt, and all I know is what you've told--but with maybe a little insight that comes from long experience. Could it be that it was the other way round, that she unburdened her conscience to give hurt? Males who confess to affairs often give hurt twice--in having the affair and then in confessing it. And giving details about the sexual prowess of the guys she cheated with is mean and nasty. The male sense of self-worth is powerfully bound up with our sexual adequacy. (We probably should never ask "How was it for you?" We run the risk of an answer such as, "Oh, it was okay.")
When you say "ex," does that mean wife or something less legal? (But don't answer if it sounds too prying.) [/quote]She was just a girlfriend. She has been married before though, and has a kid.
She very well might have been doing it maliciously. She has a history of abuse, and could very well be inclined to hurt men. It has sure felt like it over the last year or so!
Oh, and you're right about the male pride thing. I can't get the image of her and the drummer out of my head. He's tall and reaks of cologne. He's also a "pro" with women, so I'm sure he's got plenty of tricks that someone 16 years younger (ahem, me ) can't match. F*ck him.
Originally posted by FishrCutB8: Where in NJ? I was born in Hamilton Square, moved to Bordentown, and spent summers on Long Beach Island.
I went to undergrad at Eastern, and grad school at Penn State Great Valley in Malvern, outside of Philadelphia.
My dad's family is/was in Hawthorne and Glen Rock. We could see the Statue of Liberty from my grandparents' roof. I only spent summers/Christmas's there myself.
I went to undergrad at Villanova, which (as you probably know) is about 20 minutes outside of Philly.
ouch, that's got to hurt, Rock. I agree, that sounds like a malicious act to me. It would be one thing if she had simply said she'd cheated on you, but to go into that much detail is just wrong. It's good that you let her know how much it hurt you, but it sounds like you may need to stay away from her for a while. Hang out with some buddies, get drunk off your ass, just enjoy being a swingin bachelor for a while
No offense to any women reading but my friends and I have a theory. Girls love drama. If there isn't any drama around for a while they find a way to create it. No idea why this happens but we see it happen all the time. It happened to me right at the end of summer and it has happened to so many of my buddies since then its unreal.
I know what it feels like Rock. It sucks big time but you just have to move on. Eventually the images will fade. Its probably a good idea to quit talking to her for a while seeing the person never seems to help in the long run.
Danny
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Just to throw in another thought, maybe she really was thinking of you as a friend and not as an ex.
I think both genders are prone to this.
If they're "friends" long after the breakup, they start thinking of the other person as someone they can talk to about anything, and forget the other person might still have an emotional stake in the information that comes out.
That's just a wild guess. She could very well have been trying to twist the knife.
But I wouldn't rule out cluelessness.
In my experience, few people are truly capable of premeditated evil. And when you come across them, it rocks your world, because it's like you've stepped outside your own existence and into someone else's movie.
BTW, what are your ambitions in the film biz? Do you see yourself going out to the Big Implant (aka L.A.)?
Thanks guys. Yeah, I'm not too keen on seeing her right now. Unfortunately, I promied her I'd be her 'date' to a wedding next Friday, but after that I'm going to get some space.
Lucky for me, my old buddy from NY is coming up tomorrow. We're going to see Children of Bodom and Lamb of God on Friday, get drunk off our asses, then see that new Trey Parker movie on Saturday. It'll help distract me. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Originally posted by Lou Schuler: Just to throw in another thought, maybe she really was thinking of you as a friend and not as an ex.
I think both genders are prone to this.
If they're "friends" long after the breakup, they start thinking of the other person as someone they can talk to about anything, and forget the other person might still have an emotional stake in the information that comes out.
That's just a wild guess. She could very well have been trying to twist the knife.
But I wouldn't rule out cluelessness.
In my experience, few people are truly capable of premeditated evil. And when you come across them, it rocks your world, because it's like you've stepped outside your own existence and into someone else's movie.
BTW, what are your ambitions in the film biz? Do you see yourself going out to the Big Implant (aka L.A.)?
I am torn over this, Lou. I could believe that she's clueless. After all, she cheated on me , she dumped me , so she probably has an easier time thinking of me as just a friend. It's why I haven't outright yelled at her, or refused to see her.
As for L.A.: I don't think so. I hate TV and Hollywood movies (ok, ok, with the exception of LOTR, XMen and the Punisher, ). But seriously, I don't like the mindset of the moviemaking process over there.
I'm into smaller, personal films. Documentaries on musicians and artists interest me too. I'm likely to remain in the Boston/NY circle. Not much $$$, but that's never been my thing anyway.
Originally posted by RockHard: Lucky for me, my old buddy from NY is coming up tomorrow. We're going to see Children of Bodom and Lamb of God on Friday, get drunk off our asses, then see that new Trey Parker movie on Saturday. It'll help distract me. [img]smile.gif[/img]
Have a good time. You need it.
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quote: I'm going to school for movies. Directing. I once made a movie about her.
Wow... a movie about her... damn, must be nice to have guys make movies about you. sheesh. [/quote]Yes, well it obviously didn't impress her that much.
And I'm sure guys would love to make movies about you, too. How many filmmakers have you dated, though? That would probably increase the chances.
I was given this advice a long time ago by a friend. At the time, I thought he had major hang up and psychological problems because of the advice he gave me. The more experience I have on this earth the more I realize he might have been on to something. He told me "find your circle of friends and keep it as small as possible. only let people in that circle if you absolutely click with them. Dont' be rude to people just don't get too close either. His rationale for this was the more people you let in the more drama, hurt, etc. etc.and keep professional conversations superficial and funny. don't delve too deep that is asking for trouble.
More advice from him was never confront anyone when then disrespect you unless they bring it up. Just cross them off your trusted list and don't waste any more time or energy on them. there is no need for communication, resolution etc. just let them breeze off the back of your ass in the wind. amen
can you be friends with an ex?Whether you dated three weeks or three years, it's just not feasible. There will always be a sexual undercurrent to your platonic relationship. The temptation to fall into bed together will be too great. Think about it: you've had a few drinks, you're feeling low. Here's your ex. There's no fumbling, she knows just what to do. Since sex is never uncomplicated with an ex - one of you will still have feelings - it's a very, very bad idea
Originally posted by chilling_The_Most: can you be friends with an ex?Whether you dated three weeks or three years, it's just not feasible. There will always be a sexual undercurrent to your platonic relationship. The temptation to fall into bed together will be too great. Think about it: you've had a few drinks, you're feeling low. Here's your ex. There's no fumbling, she knows just what to do. Since sex is never uncomplicated with an ex - one of you will still have feelings - it's a very, very bad idea
I understand what you're saying. However, I've never once in my life slept with somebody because my inhibitions were swept away by alcohol. So no worries. Of that I'm fully confident.
Emotionally, though, she is a hazard to me. Our conversations and get togethers will be fewer and fewer, I can guarantee.
Hey, Rock, I'm truly sorry about the current situation... and, although it sounds like a cliche, I'm confident that it will pass.
Wanna hear another weird ex story? My actual ex-wife and I remained pretty cool after we got divorced. It was fairly amicable event that was the culmination of a few years of decay. It was certainly the best thing for me considering the wonderful woman I'm married to now.
Anyway, the weird story is that she called me one day out of the blue and said she just had to talk to me in person! We lived in different cities about 100 +/- miles apart. I said okay just out of curiousity and we worked out the meeting place half way between us. Mind you, I was already with the woman who later became my current wife and she was with the guy she had been messing around with before we got divorced.
So, I go meet her and she tells me.... (drum roll)...
I want to have a child with you.
After picking myself off the ground, I asked the practical questions like, "so, now that we're divorced, you want me to have a child with you so I can then pay you child support, is that right?" and "are you proposing we create this child the old fashioned way and have you discussed this with your NEW guy?" and other logistical questions like that. Any questions as to why we got divorced???
Okay, in anticipation of the "I wanna know why you got married in the first place!" question I can only plead temporary insanity!
So, Rock, I didn't mean to hijack your thread but I thought a diversion - maybe comic relief - might help.
Originally posted by Q.: Hey, Rock, I'm truly sorry about the current situation... and, although it sounds like a cliche, it will pass.
Wanna hear another weird ex story? My actual ex-wife and I remained pretty cool after we got divorced. It was fairly amicable event that was the culmination of a few years of decay. It was certainly the best thing for me considering the wonderful woman I'm married to now.
Anyway, the weird story is that she called me one day out of the blue and said she just had to talk to me in person! We lived in different cities about 100 +/- miles apart. I said okay just out of curiousity and we worked out the meeting place half way between us. Mind you, I was already with the woman who later became my current wife and she was with the guy she had been messing around with before we got divorced.
So, I go meet her and she tells me.... (drum roll)...
I want to have a child with you.
After picking myself off the ground, I asked the practical questions like, "so, now that we're divorced, you want me to have a child with you so I can then pay you child support, is that right?" and "are you proposing we create this child the old fashioned way and have you discussed this with your NEW guy?" and other logistical questions like that. Any questions as to why we got divorced???
Okay, in anticipation of the "I wanna know why you got married in the first place!" question I can only plead temporary insanity!
So, Rock, I didn't mean to hijack your thread but I thought a diversion - maybe comic relief - might help.
Haha!
That's great!!! Women can be so nuts sometimes! (Not you Becka, but some women. )
men confuse me
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