A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.
The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."
"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
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So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his zipper. The bartender says "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your zipper?"
The pirate replies: "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
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....and one more, for fun:
The 5 winning smart ass answers for 2004...
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
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Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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AND NOW........FOR ...........THE..........
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Good jokes everyone, I especially liked the smart ass answers. Keep em coming guys
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And major action will certainly make you feel a bit uncomfortable, which is absolutely fine. You've gotta get excited about feeling uncomfortable, you've gotta love feeling slightly uncomfortable, because you know that you're stepping outside the boundaries that you used to create.
Zach Even-Esh
I've made some huge mistakes, but they were necessary, because without them I wouldn't have learned anything.
-Dave Tate
Originally posted by FishrCutB8: So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his zipper. The bartender says "hey, do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your zipper?"
The pirate replies: "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
HHAAAAA my first boyfriend told me this joke and i never forgot it... ahhh memories
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\"Mesha...like Barton, just spelled better \"
A penguin stops off and grabs an ice cream cone. Unfortinatly he doesn't have any hands so he got ice cream all over his beak.
The penguin is driving home and has some car trouble so he pulls it in the shop. 20 minutes later the mechanic comes out and says "damn...looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replys "naw, it's only ice cream".
A man pulls up to a store that the sign reads "We have absolutely everything". The man walks in and says "I would like a pair of shiny glass pants".
The lady replys "I'm sorry sir but we don't carry shiny glass pants"
"But the sign says you carry absolutely everything!!"
"I'm sorry sir but they don't have those."
The man leaves in a huff. After about a week he finds a pair of shiny glass pants and returns to the store proudly strutting in his brand new shiny glass pants and finds the salesman. "See, see. Do you see my shiny glass pants?!"
Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
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me likey that one.....
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