Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
It's that time of year, again. Thought I would trot this out once again for a reminder; or for those who haven't seen it, and early holiday treat. From T-nation....
GUEST ATOMIC DOG
Merry Christmas, Bob
by Chris Shugart
The Atomic Dog is a weekly feature that isn't necessarily about weight training or bodybuilding. Sometimes it's about sports in general, sex, women, or male issues of some kind. At times it's inspirational, but it can also be informative, funny, and even a little weird, but hopefully, always interesting and a little controversial. We hope it reflects the nature of Testosterone magazine in that, just as no man is completely one-dimensional and only interested in one subject, neither are we. If it makes you think or laugh — or even get angry — it's served its purpose.
The following Atomic Dog was first featured in Testosterone Nation three years ago. It's often regarded as one of our more inspirational, get-off-your-sorry-butt articles and, given that it has a Christmas theme, we thought it appropriate to run it again this Christmas.
Note: Since most of our readers are probably busy around this time of year, this issue and the next will be a little shorter than usual. Don't worry, though, there's still plenty of info here to keep you busy for a few hours.
"So, what are you doing for a living these days?" Bob asked me. We're sitting on the couch at one of those tedious holiday get-togethers, you know, the ones where you're supposed to be nice to family members you never see except during major holidays and funerals. I think Bob is my wife's brother-in-law's second cousin or something.
"I'm the assistant editor and a writer for Testosterone magazine," I say. Bob looks at me with a blank expression on his face, as if I'd just told him I sell handmade testicle warmers beside the freeway and was looking to open franchises across the nation.
"It's a bodybuilding magazine," I say.
Blank expression. Deer caught in the headlights. Ronnie Coleman doing trigonometry.
"Oh," Bob finally says, "I heard you were, like, one of those bodybuilder guys or something. So, what's that like, you know, working out every day and stuff? I just don't have time to lift weights all day, but I have been meaning to get rid of this beer belly." He takes another sip of beer. "What do you suggest?" Sip.
At first I was a little offended. I wanted to grab him up and say, "You can't tell I'm a bodybuilder?! Look at my ass! Now, if that's not a nice round squat-built piece of sirloin, I don't know what is! You think that comes naturally? I can crack walnuts with this puppy! Wanna see? Huh, punk? Do ya? Do ya?"
Then I realize this just might cause a scene and could cost me several Christmas presents. I was planning on returning any presents I got and using the money to buy a power rack, so I didn't want to jeopardize this gift getting opportunity. I also realized that old Bob probably had a certain preconceived image of a bodybuilder and I just didn't fit that image. I'm not gorilla huge; I weigh about 205 at 5'11" right now. (When I first started lifting I was a pudgy 159, so that's not too shabby.) Also, I wasn't wearing clown pants, a fluorescent string tank top, a hanky on my head and one of those little fanny packs. And isn't that what real bodybuilders are supposed to wear?
Bob continued to sit there drinking his Natural Light, smoking a cigarette and waiting for an answer, oblivious to the fact that he'd come this close to seeing some serious walnut- crunching ass power. I tried to figure out how I could explain to the average guy what the typical T-Man does and why he does it. How could I get him to understand what it is we do, how we feel, how we live? So I took a deep breath and told him something like this:
"Well, Bob, I guess you could use the term bodybuilder if you really need a label for what it is we do. Most of us actually don't stand on stage and compete, though. We lift weights and manipulate our diets so that we'll look good naked. Sure, it's healthy too, and we'll probably live a longer and more productive life than the average guy, but mostly it's about the naked thing. Truthfully, it goes beyond even that.
"Let's be honest here. We do it because of people like you, Bob. We look at you sitting there with your gut hanging over your belt and we watch you grunt and groan just getting out of a chair. Guys like you are our inspiration, Bob. You're better than Anthony Robbins, Bill Phillips, Deepak Chopra, and Zig fucking Ziglar all wrapped up into one. We love it when guys like you talk about not having time to exercise. Every time we see you munching on a bag of potato chips, you inspire us. You're my shot in the arm, Bob, my living and breathing wake-up call, my own personal success coach.
"You want to know what it is we do? We overcome. We're too busy to train, too, but we overcome. We're too busy to prepare healthy meals and eat them five or six times a day, but we overcome. We can't always afford supplements, our genetics aren't perfect, and we don't always feel like going to the gym. Some of us used to be just like you, Bob, but guess what? We've overcome.
"We like to watch 'normal' people like you tell us about how they can't get in shape. We smile and nod sympathetically like we feel your pain, but actually, we're thinking that you're a pathetic piece of shit that needs to grow a spine and join a gym. You smile sheepishly and say that you just can't stay motivated and just can't stand that feeling of being sore. (For some reason you think that admitting your weaknesses somehow justifies them.) We listen to you bitch and moan. We watch you look for the easy way out. Because of people like you, Bob, we never miss a workout.
"You ask us for advice about diet and training and usually we politely offer some guidance, but deep inside we know you won't take our advice. You know that too. We smile and say, 'Hope that helps. Good luck,' but actually we're thinking, 'Boy, it would suck to be you.' We know that 99% of people won't listen to us. Once they hear that it takes hard work, sacrifice and discipline, they stop listening and tune us out.
"We know they wanted us to say that building a great body is easy, but it just isn't. This did not take five minutes a day on a TorsoTrack. We did not get this way in 12 short weeks using a Bowflex and the Suzanne Somers' 'Get Skinny' diet. A good body does not cost five easy payments of $39.95.
"We like it that while you're eating a candy bar and drinking Mountain Dew, we're sucking down a protein shake. You see, that makes it taste even better to us. While you're asleep we're either getting up early or staying up late, hitting the iron, pushing ourselves, learning, succeeding and failing and rising above the norm with every rep. Can you feel that, Bob? Can you relate? No? Good. This wouldn't be half as fun if you could.
"We do it because we absolutely and totally get off on it. We do it because people like you, Bob, either can't or won't. We do it because what we do in the gym transfers over into the rest of our lives and changes us, physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually. We do it because it beats watching fishing and golf on TV. By the way, do you know what it's like to turn the head of a beautiful woman because of the way you're built? It feels good, Bob. Damned good.
"When we're in the gym, we're in this indescribable euphoria zone. It's a feeling of being on, of being completely alive and aware. If you haven't been there, then it's like trying to describe color to a person who's been blind since birth. Within this haze of pleasure and pain, there's knowledge and power, self-discipline and self-reliance. If you do it long enough, Bob, there's even enlightenment. Sometimes, the answers to questions you didn't even know you had are sitting there on those rubber mats, wrapped up in a neat package of iron plates and bars.
"Want to lose that beer belly, Bob? I have a nutty idea. Put down the fucking beer. I'll tell you what, Bob. Christmas morning I'm getting up real early and hitting the iron. I want to watch my daughter open her presents and spend the whole day with her, so this is the only time I have to train. The gym will be closed, so I'm going out in my garage to workout. You be at my house at six in the morning, okay? I'll be glad to help you get started on a weight training program. It'll be colder than Hillary Clinton's coochie in there, so dress warm.
"But let me tell you something, Bob. If you don't show up, don't bother asking me again. And don't you ever sit there and let me hear you bitch about your beer belly again. This is your chance, your big opportunity to break out of that rut. If you don't show up, Bob, you've learned a very important lesson about yourself, haven't you? You won't like that lesson.
"You won't like that feeling in the pit of your stomach either or that taste in your mouth. It will taste worse than defeat, Bob. Defeat tastes pretty goddamned nasty, but what you'll be experiencing will be much worse. It will be the knowledge that you're weak, mentally and physically. What's worse is that you'll have accepted that feeling. The feeling will always be with you. In the happiest moments of your life, it'll be there, lying under the surface like a malignant tumor. Ignore it at your own peril, Bob.
"Don't look at me like that either. This just may be the best Christmas present you'll get this year. Next Christmas, Bob, when I see you again, I'm going to be a little bigger, a little stronger, and a little leaner. What will you be? Will you still be making excuses? This is a gift, Bob, from me to you. I'm giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, 'Step off, bitch. This is my party and you're not invited.' What do you say, Bob? Monday, Christmas morning, 6am, my house. The ball's in your court."
Okay, so maybe that's not the exact words I used with Bob, but you get the picture. Will Bob show up Monday? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. In fact, Bob will probably take me off his Christmas card list. He probably thinks I've got "too much Testosterone," like that's a bad thing. I think Bob is just stuck in a rut, and as the saying goes, the only difference between a rut and a grave is depth.
The way out of the rut is to make major changes in your life, most of which won't be too pleasant in the beginning. The opportunity to make those changes seldom comes as bluntly as I put it to Bob. Most of the time, that opportunity knocks very softly. What I did was basically give Bob a verbal slap in the face. You can react two ways to a slap. You can get angry at the person doing the slapping, or you can realize that he was just trying to get you to wake up and focus on what you really want and, more importantly, what it'll take to get it.
If you're a regular T-mag reader, I doubt you need to be called out like Bob. But maybe you've caught yourself slacking a little here lately. Maybe you've missed a few workouts or maybe you started a little too early on the usual holiday feasting, like, say, back in September. Just remember that the time to start working on that summer body is now. The time to get rid of those bad habits that hold you back in the gym is now. You want to look totally different by next Christmas? Start now. This isn't because of the holidays or any corny New Year's resolutions either. The best time is always now.
Christmas day I want you to enjoy being with your family and friends. I want you to open presents, sip a little eggnog and have a good meal. But if your regularily scheduled workout happens to fall on December 25th, what will you be doing at six o'clock that morning?
That's what separates us from guys like Bob.
This is probably one of the best summarizations of why many of us do those crazy healthy things we do. (i.e. not eat doughnuts everyday)
__________________
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable."
- Christopher Reeve
Great article. I find the part about bob bitching about his beer gut while sipping a Natural light hilarious. Esp because I know so many people like that. I'm sure most of you at one point or another have met someone who eats shit food all the time and then bitches about how hard it is to lose weight!
Of course, more to the point, the article definately gives me some motivation to get my ass to the gym!
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Renegade HR: Recruit great people. Inspire them to do amazing things. | http://renegadehr.net
Well 2005 rolls around, thought I should bump this one!
Og.
__________________ 2009: No races, No times. Slow year. So, now you're 96 cals short. You're now in starvation mode. Doomed. - LostDog
Blog entry: November 1, 2009, Pancakes LiveSTRONG daily plate log
Love that article...that and Die Fatty Die! Are the biz....
__________________
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -- Sidney J. Harris
truely a timeless treasure. Wonderfully written and inspiring. Thanks for taking the time to repost this article. I still laugh, giggle and smile every time I read it.
__________________ "I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
__________________
"So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable."
- Christopher Reeve
Glad I am not now. Although I still have some bob like tendancies. GRRR.
Only myself to blame though.
Og.
__________________ 2009: No races, No times. Slow year. So, now you're 96 cals short. You're now in starvation mode. Doomed. - LostDog
Blog entry: November 1, 2009, Pancakes LiveSTRONG daily plate log
Ah, yes, the eminently quotable Shugart. I especially loved this one:
"I'm giving you the chance to look fate in those pretty eyes of hers and say, 'Step off, bitch. This is my party and you're not invited.'"
And like you, Og, I've still got a lot of Bob in me (oh, geez, that doesn't sound right. You know what I mean!). But it can serve as a reminder to not go back to where I once was.
__________________ The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. -- Carlos Castaneda
I think this thread may be offensive to Bob (aka OldGuy). And to fat people. Delete it.
[img]tongue.gif[/img]
PS: I remember at some point, CS posted at BII and I asked him (via PM or e-mail, I don't recall) if it was really him and his response itself was funny: "who would want to pretend to be me?" LOL
I'm feeling very un bob like at the moment. I just finished a routine that was a real problem schedule-wise. I was starting a CB workout this morning. Last night we got snow warnings and I realized I would have to be in Court at 8:00 a.m. to pick a jury. No time for a workout obviously. Then I remembered a post in the old MH forum where Mike Mejia said he was going to his gym at 4:30 a.m. to work out so he could take his kids to Hershey Park. It wasn't even the subject of the discussion, it was an offhand remark if I remember right. I decided that if I was ever to get out of my rut, I needed to do that sort of thing. So I got up at 4:45 a.m. to do my workout. Now I just have to keep this up. Tomorrow. The next day and the day after that. . . .
Awesome ass kicker! I remember reading this last year and it really motivated me. Thanks Og. for bumping it up!
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"Rust on a nail builds tetanus. Rust on a barbell builds character, strength, and attitude." -EC
"Don't spend your life wishing. Spend it doing." -FishrCutB8
"You're a mutant, like a snake with two heads or a cat shy one nipple. Be thankful that your mutation is helpful." - LD
I've read it before, but it's still a great read! Especially today when I'm feeling awfully Bob-esque. [img]tongue.gif[/img] (Lack of sleep last night, I'm exhausted!) But, I'm still gonna hit the gym and get in a workout. I ain't screwing up a good thing!!!
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Gifted SmartAss Master Class Graduate
Pretty happy right now I bumped this article. I will now proceed to make real food.
Og.
__________________ 2009: No races, No times. Slow year. So, now you're 96 cals short. You're now in starvation mode. Doomed. - LostDog
Blog entry: November 1, 2009, Pancakes LiveSTRONG daily plate log
Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
Quote:
Originally posted by gregl515: I decided that if I was ever to get out of my rut, I needed to do that sort of thing. So I got up at 4:45 a.m. to do my workout. Now I just have to keep this up. Tomorrow. The next day and the day after that. . . .
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Good on you, G.
Ms. 515 is thriving! She was a speaker about being a patient at a gathering held by her professional organization and a local cancer support group. She was by far the best speaker even though I'm a little prejudiced. She was named registered nurse of the year for the hospital group that employs her and received recognition from the state house and senate.
We have been going on fundraising walks whenever we can and she organized a team for the last one. This experience made her immensely stronger even though it cost her a lot of pain. She has been cancer free for two years since her surgery and (her treatment was about 8 months folowing surgery). Our fingers are crossed.
Our life is very good when I stop and think about it.
Location: Philly on one side, Pittsburgh on another, the Green Between...
Posts: 5,857
Quote:
Originally posted by gregl515: Our life is very good when I stop and think about it.
No doubt, my friend. So glad to hear all continues to be well. A woman in my neighborhood was recently diagnosed with bone cancer, so it's been really hard on her and the family. She is tough as nails though, and we continue to pray for her health and well-being.
Though, remembering what it says, I'm not going to read it until after I'm done my egg-nog latte. (Why you couldn't bump before I went down to Starbucks is beyond me, how inconsiderate!)
I'm trying to decide if I've got the balls to send this to all my non-fitness interested mates this year as a Xmas present...
__________________
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -- Sidney J. Harris
We should all do it! And post the replies we get here!....or maybe not....
__________________
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -- Sidney J. Harris
"I'm growing older but not up. My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck. So let the winds of change blow over my head. I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead."
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