It seems to me that these days soo many people are getting married so soon after being together for a fairly short amount of time (atleast what I personally consider short...1 year doesn't quite cut it in my mind) My fiance and I have been together for a little over 5 years and got engaged in December of 2008 (we are both in our 20's) Now, I am not one of those girls who immediately went crazy with planning as if I was on a deadline or something. I am still taking it slow and plan on setting the wedding date for May 2010...but nothing has been confirmed/ordered yet. Is it just me or what? I honestly don't see the rush...because it already feels like we're married. Is it wrong to want to still enjoy life and not rush into marriage? I sometimes feel like we're going to have one of those long...5 year engagements or something before we finally tie the knot. Many of my friends got married young, my best friend got married at 19 and had her fist child at 22. Don't get me wrong, I want a family soo bad one day..but I would rather make sure I have an established career, degree and have some fun if you know what I mean, before I settle down Any input would be appreciated! Just want to hear other's p.o.v!
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
I met my DH when I was 17 and he was 19. We got engaged very quickly, but waited til I graduated college (4 years) to get married. Had 2 kids in our 20's and still finished grad school... Wedding was 20 years ago last week...
I don't see what a career and degree has to do with married or not, but if you and your fiance feel the same way, then why rush it?
Are you or he feeling pressure from somewhere?
The only reason I mentioned a degree and a good job is because I really want a nice, big wedding and with the size of my family and his it will cost us about $25,000 for a good wedding. I just wanted to graduate and pay off my college loans ( plus I have many medical bills on top of the every day bills and expenses) and maybe even my car before I spent all this money on our wedding and honeymoon. Maybe my goals are unrealistic? lol but you can always hope!
I do feel pressured now and then only because today, women are always expected to jump into planning and setting the date right after the engagement. I just can't seem to get though to people and make them understand that I am not in a hurry and just want to take some time...why not? If he really loves me, he will wait for as long as he has to right?
p.s. Bytsi, Congrats on your recent anniversary, sounds like you have a nice family
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
I guess that's different for each couple. I met Jimmy, and 6 months later, we were married. (He was 21, I was 20). We've been married for 16 years, had twins when we had been married for 10. Works for us!
Do what is best for you and your fiance, because every relationship is different. I know people who have been engaged for years, others, like myself never had an "engagement" period at all. My husband and I were roommates in grad school. It took less than a month before we became lovers, and we went to city hall to get married after about a year of living together. No engagement, no rings, no wedding party. We're still together 28 years later.
Moral of the story? Different strokes for different folks. March to your own beat and forget the pressure. Do what you feel is right for the both of you, and good luck.
In your early 20's it's probably not a bad idea to take your time. If you've been through that gauntlet and you somehow find yourself single again, it may not take as long as an adult because you know yourself better (theoretically) and you have a better idea of what you like.
Like Lt Hebert, I met my wife 20 years ago. We dated a year, were engaged for two, and then married to 17. Sadly it didn't work out, so you really never know. It's kind of like freak accidents... You just don't foresee it. You can think that everything is going fine because you've made it past all the big milestones and in a flash it's over.
Don't let my cynicism taint you though... Many people make it that long and they really are safe. That's why it's so scary to fall in love with someone. You are exposing yourself to extreme pain and possibility of a broken heart, but you can't let that fear prevent you from experiencing the exhilaration of love and all the things that go along with that (children, building a home, etc).
Even though I now know that my relationship failed, I can still look back and say that I have no regrets about my decision to enter into that relationship. I'd probably do it again.
Now for the fancy wedding... I'm torn on that one. My ex was somewhat remorseful that she didn't have a fancier wedding, which would have been nice, but we were young and didn't have a lot of money. I honestly think that we would have regretted it more if we had spent anywhere near $20K. If you have parents who have the means, that's great. If you don't and you plan to spend all the money yourselves and you're worried about student loans, why don't you scale down a little so you can take a really nice trip for a honeymoon and keep your money for setting up your home. Just my 2 pesos, FWIW.
I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out JP. I guess that's exactly what I am scared of-a failed marriage. I grew up watching my mom go through 2 failed marriages...so I guess that's why I feel like I need to take my time. But you're so right...you never know. People change through time and there is nothing I can do about it, so if we're meant to fall out of love sometime down the road...I guess it is only for God to know and us to find out.
As far as the big fancy wedding goes, I do admit I have high expectations..always have had high expectations about everything, and I know that needs to change a little bit. I guess I'm a big dreamer like the rest of the world! My mom's side of the family is Greek, family is important to us, so it is very hard for me not to have a big wedding with almost every known relative and friend invited. And I don't have parents who can afford to pay for the wedding, neither does my fiance...so maybe I should re-think the number of people I invite!
p.s. Luna sea...that sounds like a wonderful story. I sometimes would wake up in the morning and tell my fiance 'Let's go to the court house today and get married...and that that, lets make it simple and quick!'
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
Makes sense...you kinda have to be attracted to that person. But we didn't have a fast engagement (were together for almost 5 years before he proposed)
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
As far as the engagement, if you do not want to rush- then don't. I think that it is very wise to get your bills a bit in order before getting married. Money does not buy happiness but not having to worry about it everyday makes life much easier.
As far as the big wedding, I would urge restraint. That being said, my wife and I (now 13 years) had a very costly wedding. We certainly could have used the money for other things, but I do not "regret" the wedding. It was/is a great memory. So do as I say, not as I did. LOL
I think that if you are prudent when spend money on wedding, you will not regret it. Make a budget with your fiancee, stick to it and enjoy.
Cheers
peter
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Peter
After all, diamonds are a girl's best friend…
p.s. Luna sea...that sounds like a wonderful story. I sometimes would wake up in the morning and tell my fiance 'Let's go to the court house today and get married...and that that, lets make it simple and quick!'
I'm really a simple person. Besides, neither one of us had any parents alive at the time (coincidental that both sets died young, and both died in a car crash).
We were the only family each other had, there was no need for a big wedding anyway. Except for a small group of friends, there was no one to invite. I suppose if I'd had any relatives, maybe I would have had a reception or a party of some sort to celebrate with them.
hell, we lived together for years before bothering with getting married. Both our parents are divorced… so it's not like we thought the piece of paper meant anything. Well… except for the tax savings, which is why we got married after buying the house and looking at what our tax situation would be. Married 2nd half of Dec with about a week or two notice for $10 at the JP. Netted us an extra bunch in our tax money the following April.
We weren't ever formally engaged or anything… we just were together and figured one day we'd prolly get married or maybe not, then just did because it made fiscal sense. (Prolly would have made fiscal sense earlier, but we're also HUGE procrastinators.)
Never been a big wedding girl, and really still don't care that I didn't have some huge party for everyone else to be happy.
I would have liked to find something other than black to wear, but oh well.
Thanks DiamondPete. I am really starting to reconsider the big wedding plans, after all it might be better to buy something for the house (or a nicer honey moon...I love to travel!)
Lunasea...I'm sorry to hear about your parents, and his...it is way too coincidental that all of them died in a car accident!!! That's the biggest difference for me, I have a HUGE family (even though most of them are over seas-I have Ukrainian and Greek heritage)..so this is why it's sooo hard not to plan a big wedding/reception.
Aoife-I think it's one of the biggest reasons I want to get married now...save tax money. We have been living together for a while so what's the difference right??
p.s.Black dress...sounds interesting! Nice to hear you've decided not to go with the traditional look...something different is always good!
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
Nick, for the hundredth time, you're hand doesn't count!
Sadly enough, JP wasn't joking....
Quote:
Originally Posted by hazel2009
Thanks DiamondPete. I am really starting to reconsider the big wedding plans, after all it might be better to buy something for the house (or a nicer honey moon...I love to travel!)
One thing I have found is that people do not "judge" a wedding the way the bride (and perhaps groom do) especially men. I have been to a lot of weddings-some pretty over the top ones- and the only thing I remember is if the food was good or bad. I would type "LOL", but I am serious. The biggies are IMO, good food - fresh flowers, short vows- (pick a time limit and have your priest/rabbi/monk/ work within the time limit). People come to have a good time with you- so all a good wedding really needs is a happy couple.
The other stuff takes energy and actually when you get down to it nobody cares- not even you. My wife and I spent hours (actually I sat there in agony) picking out shoes for the gown (that took days to pick). So when we arrived before the wedding and were changing etc., the bridal company that made all our arrangements for got to bring the damn shoes. So like the butthead, I am, I rip into the staff (wisely I did not tell my wife about this), make one of thme cry, (real charmer that I am) and nobody (not even my wife) cared about the shoes.
For the kimono's, for our wedding pics the brought the wrong size head piece- nobody noticed, ETC ETC. all this stuff, doesn't really matter- just have a good time, and do what is comfortable for you financially. The last thing you want to think about on your wedding day is _OMG - how much is the open bar costing me- my friends are pigs!! LOL Buy a car- or stay in a suite
cheers
peter
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Peter
After all, diamonds are a girl's best friend…
Last edited by diamondpete : 06-29-2009 at 11:21 PM.
and the only thing I remember is if the food was good or bad. I would type "LOL"
I must agree with you Pete...that is the only thing I remember about weddings too! 'LOL' That and good music! The three things I'm really focusing on is: Food/Bar, Music and Flowers
And when it comes to picking out all the little details (I hope I won't be picking out my shoes for days!), I have a pretty good eye and am quick at decision making(I have a degree in Interior Design so I think that helps me out a bit) but some people say it's very different when you're making decisions about your own wedding and you start to second guess yourself, so I guess only time will tell.
p.s. One of those little cabana looking huts (not sure what their actual name is) on some tropical island that are built on water and have their own little deck leading to the shore would definitely be nice!
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
It is possible to have many people attend a wedding and not have a big reception with dinner and music. Just something to consider. Just because you have lots of people doesn't mean you MUST host a big reception/party. Unless having that party with food and music is all tied up for you in what "getting married" means.
It is possible to have many people attend a wedding and not have a big reception with dinner and music. Just something to consider. Just because you have lots of people doesn't mean you MUST host a big reception/party. Unless having that party with food and music is all tied up for you in what "getting married" means.
I've always felt like every person who attends the ceremony has to come to the reception (unless they can't for their own reasons)... or should I say that's the one and only way my whole family has done it for as long as I remember (if you haven't read every post, my family is very big, very close..."Greek" is the best way to describe it! ) But who knows, maybe I will change my mind. It is an option to look at..thanks Lisa! Not inviting everyone to the reception may just be the biggest money saver.
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
Interesting take. I didn't remotely have in mind to not invite everyone to the reception. I was thinking that not all receptions must be large affairs with music & dinner. Growing up, 99.9% of the weddings I attended were church weddings with small receptions in the parish hall - cake, coffee & punch. Not dinner, not music with a DJ, not dancing, not at a hotel, certainly not at "wedding destination" location. Two exceptions I can recall - a cousin's wedding had a country club reception and my sister's wedding had dinner of some sort and music.
So - my point was just that not all receptions have to fit a particular mold. Unless it is what you've always envisioned as what it means to have a wedding.
Oh, one other I recall. A different cousin had a very private wedding (immediate family, just parents & siblings) up on a mountain somewhere, and then a couple of weeks later had a reception/party that the rest of the friends and family attended. Even that wasn't dinner and music - it might have been cake & coffee type as well.
The only thing I tend to remember about a wedding is if there is a cash bar or not. I'm a fan of free beer/wine, and pay for liquor. Of course that may be because my friends would get pretty unruly after a several shots.
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My wife and I dated for about two years before we got engaged. This lasted one year before we got married. Our marriage lasted ten years and we have finished a fairly amicable divorce. I don't regret it and would do it again.
Our wedding was not big and uber expensive, but nice with friends and family. Still I always regretted not flying down to Bermuda and getting a small marriage there with a great honeymoon or going to Vegas and getting married by Elvis.
Get the wedding you want, but don't wreck yourselfs. That money would be the downpayment on a house or pay off student loans and put you years ahead of the game of life.
Ms. Egham and I dated for 7 months before becoming engaged and we married 10 months after that (the first marriage for both of us despite being in our mid-40s). While that may seem rather quick, we had already worked closely together on industry committees (even co-chairing a couple of them) in Washington, DC for 5 years prior to that, so we knew each other quite well before we even dated. She worked for a company in Birmingham, AL and I for one in Charlotte.
The fact that we represented our companies on a number of the same industry association committees in Washington worked well for us while dating.
Thirteen years ago, we had a small 24-guest wedding in the Japanese Tea Garden at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens, followed by a simple reception in the on-site restaurant..... The only thing that wasn't simple was her cathedral-length gown. Once we made it to the reception, it took 3 of us almost 15 minutes to find and fasten all the little loops and buttons to hold the dress up so that she could walk around fairly freely during the reception.
The next morning we headed to the airport and flew to New Zealand's northern island for 3 weeks, followed by 4 days in tropical Australia (Cairns) for our Honeymoon.
__________________ "May you live every day of your life." - Jonathan Swift
Ms. Egham and I dated for 7 months before becoming engaged and we married 10 months after that (the first marriage for both of us despite being in our mid-40s). While that may seem rather quick, we had already worked closely together on industry committees (even co-chairing a couple of them) in Washington, DC for 5 years prior to that, so we knew each other quite well before we even dated. She worked for a company in Birmingham, AL and I for one in Charlotte.
The fact that we represented our companies on a number of the same industry association committees in Washington worked well for us while dating.
Thirteen years ago, we had a small 24-guest wedding in the Japanese Tea Garden at the Birmingham Botanical Gardens, followed by a simple reception in the on-site restaurant..... The only thing that wasn't simple was her cathedral-length gown. Once we made it to the reception, it took 3 of us almost 15 minutes to find and fasten all the little loops and buttons to hold the dress up so that she could walk around fairly freely during the reception.
The next morning we headed to the airport and flew to New Zealand's northern island for 3 weeks, followed by 4 days in tropical Australia (Cairns) for our Honeymoon.
...over 3 weeks of Honeymoon time--sounds good lol
I might just do that...really want to go somewhere tropical and to a few places in Europe
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
Mrs. Nate and I dated for two years before I proposed, and we were engaged for a year before the wedding. We did the big wedding thing, but it wasn't for us, it was all for the in-laws and their big Italian family. I am grateful that they threw such a nice party in our honor, but in truth, I know it was an occasion for them, si I just enjoyed it.
Were it up to us to pay for it, it would have been small. I'm not going in to debt to buy a fancy dinner, drinks and an evening's entertainment for anyone.
Were it up to us to pay for it, it would have been small. I'm not going in to debt to buy a fancy dinner, drinks and an evening's entertainment for anyone.
this x2.
of course, and NOT to sound sexist, but the weddings are generally for the bride. Most women growing up already have an idea of what they want for their wedding and by the time it comes for them to get hitched, they already know.
I've heard people say that it's about the bride, because of the above reason. But, i have a hard time fathoming how a person can go into debt for a one day party. It should be a joint decision, and not something that is made up by society before x meets y.
It should be more about the 2 people, and not about how extravagant of a wedding one has.
This goes along with the age thing too. It don't think there is a certain age, but i do think if someone marries young, you're missing out on stuff. Whenever i think of someone getting married at 20 or younger, i think to myself, that if this person lives to be 80, they will have to see this person every single day for the next 60 years. IMO, people jump into marriage way too soon. My view is skewed though, considering i haven't met anyone who i could stand, or they could stand me, for the next 60 years.
just my 2 cents.
p.s. I can only speak for myself, but the only thing i remember about weddings are if the food was good, and if there were drinks. It's different if i'm in the wedding though...
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of course, and NOT to sound sexist, but the weddings are generally for the bride. Most women growing up already have an idea of what they want for their wedding and by the time it comes for them to get hitched, they already know.
I've heard people say that it's about the bride, because of the above reason. But, i have a hard time fathoming how a person can go into debt for a one day party. It should be a joint decision, and not something that is made up by society before x meets y.
It should be more about the 2 people, and not about how extravagant of a wedding one has.
This goes along with the age thing too. It don't think there is a certain age, but i do think if someone marries young, you're missing out on stuff. Whenever i think of someone getting married at 20 or younger, i think to myself, that if this person lives to be 80, they will have to see this person every single day for the next 60 years. IMO, people jump into marriage way too soon. My view is skewed though, considering i haven't met anyone who i could stand, or they could stand me, for the next 60 years.
just my 2 cents.
p.s. I can only speak for myself, but the only thing i remember about weddings are if the food was good, and if there were drinks. It's different if i'm in the wedding though...
I agree with you that the wedding should be mainly about the two people getting married (or mostly the bride-lol). Unlike many people I do not want a big, extravagant wedding only to please my relatives. However, my main reason for that is to fly them in (considering the fact that I've only seen most of my family once in the past 8 years- they live in Ukraine). But then again, I could have a small wedding here instead of flying them in (since it is very expensive to fly there and back) and afterwards go on a European honeymoon and visit my family...I do have a lot of thinking to do !
__________________ "Create like a God, Command like a King, and Work like a Slave"-Constantin Brancusi
Flying even a couple of folks here from the Ukraine sounds like an exercise in horrid logistics and multinational bureaucracy whatever the cost. Good luck with that.
How long is too long?
Any input would be appreciated! Just want to hear other's p.o.v!
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