I was reading an old thread yesterday about thoughts of guys hitting on girls at the gym, whether or not it was appropriate, and it got me thinking about my current situation that is bothering me.
My ex-wife (well, officially were are still married for a couple more weeks, divorce is not a quick process) and I still go to the same gym, the local YMCA. There is a group of guys, mostly in their mid to late 30s that I see at the gym alot and talk to. I don't like to socialize alot while im there, but i have seen these guys 2-3 times a week for the past 3 or 4 years, so we talk. My wife and I used to go to the gym together all the time, so people knew that we were together, and i guess over the past couple months the word got out that we were splitting up.
Now, im not exaggerating, whenever she is there these guys are all over her. She is 25, thin and very attractive, so I understand. But its like as soon as these guys realized that we weren't together, they are like following her around the gym, talking to her the whole time, even while she is in the middle of sets. I know alot of this because she tells me these stories all the time. We are still friends and we talk. I mean, these guys are telling her at the gym that they hope they see her every time they come to the gym, they can't stop thinking about her, etc...kinda creepy right? Most of these guys are married with kids and stuff.
This one guy asked her out the other day, she told him that her divorce wasn't through yet so it wouldn't be a good idea, and he told her that it didn't bother him and he thinks about her all the time.
It's been bothering me, not that im jealous, but I just can't imagine being that creepy at the gym, especially when its guys that ive known for a while. Is that acceptable behaviour at the gym? Plus, I guess I still feel protective over her and I want to beat the crap out of them lol, not that im a violent guy or anything.
Tell her she should accidently drop a db on someone's foot.
Creepy? Yes. Appropriate? Not really. Likely to happen? Sure, till she does something about it.
If her response was "I'm not completely divorced yet" when she meant "uh, no, jerkwad, leave me the hell alone" then she prolly could use to assert herself a bit more.
I know, i told her that but she has this problem of not wanting to make people feel bad. Even if a real creepy guy that she has no interest in asked her out, she probably wouldn't flat out say no, she say something like "well, ill think about it", which just leads them on.
They have no trouble in making her feel like a piece of grade A prime cut. Besides, what kind of nasty, slimey fucktard is getting all creepy over some chick at the gym when he's married?
I changed my mind. She should accidently fling that db at their sack. Batters up!
In this situation, it is her call. There is not much for you to do, unless she asks you to do something. As you say your wife is attractive, so it is natural that guys wiull hit on her. The gym is not the place. If she is bothered by it, I would suggest that she talk to management about being harassed. I am sure most gyms would step in quickly because of potential liability.
Cheers
Peter
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I'd like to, but as soon as I sell my house I am moving back to my hometown, so I really don't want to pay a signup fee for another gym. Plus I live 2 minutes from the YMCA, and its a pretty nice gym.
Man up, it's her problem. If they were hitting on you it would be your problem and she would think it was funny. Sorry, I'm a bitter old man but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.
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I know plenty of guys who go to gyms for the sole purpose of meeting women. To people on this site who actually train hard.. seems funny, but to the average person it works.
she can always tell them off. Imagine if it was the other way around and girls where hitting on you.. respond how you think your ex would.
To everyone who said he should let her handle it, why? Since he knows them, why can't he just ask them to stop hitting on his ex wife?
It doesn't have to be violent, and it doesn't have to be a threat.
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Well that sucks, but it's to be expected. Hot, single women get hit on. It's the way of the world.
Personally, I avoid talking to anyone in the gym since I'm there to work out. Although, I have dated 2 girls from the gym that I ran into outside of the gym. Both were a mistake because then you have to continue seeing them at the gym after you quit dating.
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I agree with some of the others, it's really her problem and not yours. You probably dont want to hear that, but the fact is, if you are getting a divorce and moving back to your hometown, she needs to defend herself and handle things the way she feels is right.
Now, if these guys were your boys or friends, then that would be different. But, as some of the others said, she could probably be handling it better than she is, and not telling you everything, unless of course she is trying to make you jealous.
It is her problem, but it still sucks that you have to watch it. That can't be fun.
I am just going to give my experience and say that if she would give off the impression that she didn't want to be bothered while in the gym, it would work. Creeps can be persistent, but if she really wants to be left alone - she can make that happen. I understand the being nice thing, but at some point she needs to step up and just be honest - if that is want she truly wants.
Do you think there is any part of her that is enjoying the fact that you have to witness this?
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A guy that would hit on the ex in front of you won't care if you ask him to stop, either.
You don't ask him, you tell him.
I have to agree that it's really not your problem anymore, however, there is still an expected amount of respect that these guys need to have for you. If I were in your shoes I would confront the guys and I would tell them that it's not appreciated and that it's going to stop...NOW. Tell them that if they want to hit on her then drop her their numbers and do it out of your sight. This is not unreasonable, especially if you have a previous relationship with the guys. Again, don't make it an option. You are not requesting this, you are making it law and it's not negotiable. This can be done with very little fuss or drama if you approach it correctly.
I don't get it. She's technically available, right? So why is it disrespecting him for them to hit on her? If anything that's much respect yo, cuz they think she fly.
If she's available and attractive she's gonna eventually have to learn how to turn a dude down.
Until then, do your workout and say a prayer for the wives of the guys making the moves at YMCA women.
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I have to agree that it's really not your problem anymore, however, there is still an expected amount of respect that these guys need to have for you. If I were in your shoes I would confront the guys and I would tell them that it's not appreciated and that it's going to stop...NOW. Tell them that if they want to hit on her then drop her their numbers and do it out of your sight. This is not unreasonable, especially if you have a previous relationship with the guys. Again, don't make it an option. You are not requesting this, you are making it law and it's not negotiable. This can be done with very little fuss or drama if you approach it correctly.
See I dont agree with this. And Im not one to take shit from anyone, especially if they are hitting on my wife/girl. But, if she isnt your wife/girl/SO, then why should you confront other guys trying to talk to her? It just makes you look insecure and really stupid in my opinion.
Now, if you two are 'great' friends (which seems weird if you are getting a divorce), and she asks you to defend her (and really even then, because why would she be asking you), I guess that may different.
But, if she is just telling you about it, and obviously not handling it herself if she really isnt interested, then something doesnt seem right.
Either she still has feelings (or you, or both of you), or she is just trying to make you jealous.
If it were me, I wouldnt do anything and let her take care of it herself. Why risk fighting over something stupid, if you arent a couple, or attached in anyway. Also, go to the gym at a different time of the day. If you are going the same time as her, and this is bothering you, then obviously you still have feelings for her. Otherwise, it shouldnt bother you (speaking from prior experience). Just my $.02
a) They are still attached...the divorce is not final.
b) These are guys that the OP has a previous relationship with. He knows them, he hangs out with them. Maybe this is something that is okay in other areas in the country, but that doesn't fly where I'm from.
It is VERY disrespectful to him. I can't imagine hitting on a woman in the middle of a divorce, especially knowing that I have lifted and talked with her soon to be ex husband.
Is it disrespectful if we ask to see pictures before we make a decision? I'm just saying that may help me decide if the guys are in the wrong or not
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I don't get it. She's technically available, right? So why is it disrespecting him for them to hit on her? If anything that's much respect yo, cuz they think she fly.
If she's available and attractive she's gonna eventually have to learn how to turn a dude down.
Until then, do your workout and say a prayer for the wives of the guys making the moves at YMCA women.
it's like the unwritten brah rule, BRO!
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a) They are still attached...the divorce is not final.
b) These are guys that the OP has a previous relationship with. He knows them, he hangs out with them. Maybe this is something that is okay in other areas in the country, but that doesn't fly where I'm from.
It is VERY disrespectful to him. I can't imagine hitting on a woman in the middle of a divorce, especially knowing that I have lifted and talked with her soon to be ex husband.
I understand your point, and trust me, I hold the same respect as you do when it comes to not being disrespectful towards others. Where Im from, and some of the places I've been, there is a code of conduct towards other males and holding respect for them. There have been plenty of times when I was single (and even now that Im married), where a female in a relationship has tried to talk to me, or has given me signals, etc. (weird that I attract this sort of woman vs a single woman, but whatever), and I have never taken advantage of it. Some would look at that as a weakness, or being a punk, but messing with some other guy's woman is something I've never been a fan of, and I really think very low of a female that would do that.
Maybe I read into it wrong, but the OP is not very good friends with these guys, he just knows them from the gym because of the amount of time he has been going there. Now, as someone else stated, men are pigs. Most dont give a shit whether or not he is getting a divorce, and probably tried (or at least thought about it) to hit on her before. Again, I dont agree with this behavior, but it is what it is. The one who needs to put a stop to this, is her, if that is what she really wants (vs telling the OP about it everytime it happens). I do agree though, they are still 'technically' married, and guys shouldnt be trying to talk to her. But again, if she isnt doing what she should be doing to prevent that, why should he even bother?
My advice to him comes from my past relationship and divorce. If they are getting a divorce and its truly over, dont waste your time worrying about some dumbasses hitting on your (ex) woman. First off, as someone said, if she really didnt want them to hit on her, she would have told them the deal up front, and if sincere, they would get the point. Secondly, even if the OP still has feelings for her, the last thing he would want to do is be some jealous freak, and start confronting guys at the gym about talking to his (ex) wife. Even if she is the one that broke it off, and he still has feelings, the best thing for him to do is move on, or at least show her that he is capable of moving on, and does not need her. In my experience, if there is anyway of a relationship being mended, both parties have to be able to take care of themselves, and let the dignity and respect that comes along with that, show.
In the end, if it's meant to be, it will be. You have a better chance at getting back with someone by showing your strengths, and trying to pick fights with guys hitting on a girl that is no longer yours, is not one of them. Now if its my wife or current girl, or whatever, thats a whole different story and since that would be disrespecting, you would get your ass kicked one way or another
Do you think there is any part of her that is enjoying the fact that you have to witness this?
Probably not, but you never know. Might be part of it, but I think its mostly just because she is amused by it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by raymond3
Now, if you two are 'great' friends (which seems weird if you are getting a divorce), and she asks you to defend her (and really even then, because why would she be asking you), I guess that may different.
Not 'great' friends, but we still talk...and she is not asking me to do anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by raymond3
But, if she is just telling you about it, and obviously not handling it herself if she really isnt interested, then something doesnt seem right.
Either she still has feelings (or you, or both of you), or she is just trying to make you jealous.
There are still some feeling there (for both of us), but part of it might be the jealous thing...i dont know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by raymond3
Maybe I read into it wrong, but the OP is not very good friends with these guys, he just knows them from the gym because of the amount of time he has been going there. Now, as someone else stated, men are pigs. Most dont give a shit whether or not he is getting a divorce, and probably tried (or at least thought about it) to hit on her before. Again, I dont agree with this behavior, but it is what it is. The one who needs to put a stop to this, is her, if that is what she really wants (vs telling the OP about it everytime it happens). I do agree though, they are still 'technically' married, and guys shouldnt be trying to talk to her. But again, if she isnt doing what she should be doing to prevent that, why should he even bother?
I wouldn't say good friends, but when you see and talk to guys 3 times a week for 4 years, you build some kind of relationship with them. I know men are pigs, its just that after some stuff at work (where we both worked) and then this, it just got me worked up a little. It hasn't been that long since we decided on the divorce, there are still some feelings there...it will be easier when I move back home and get on with my life.
Other guys hitting on my ex at the gym...
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