Laws to live by (funny)

[Jean-Paul]

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
   
   
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
   
   
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
   
   
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
   
   
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
   
   
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in (works every time).
   
   
7. Law of the Bath - When your body is fully immersed in water, the will telephone ring.
   
   
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
   
   
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
   
   
10. Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
    
    
11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
    
    
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
    
    
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
    
    
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
    
    
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
    
    
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
    
    
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
    
    
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

[Aoife]

I can personally attest to about 19 of those. *sigh*

[AF-Temp]

Originally Posted by Jean-Paul

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

This one happens to me all the time. Pick a locker in a row of empty lockers and when you go leave there's always someone in the locker right next to yours, no matter how long you just worked out.

[Terry Monk]

Originally Posted by AF-Temp

This one happens to me all the time. Pick a locker in a row of empty lockers and when you go leave there's always someone in the locker right next to yours, no matter how long you just worked out.

RL has got to have a comment on this one!!! ^^^^^


How about the "Law of Cleanliness is Next to Dirtiness" - Your city can be having the drought of all droughts and the minute you wash your car it will cloud up and pour down rain. Foolproof.

[RedLefty]

Yeah, I just realized I told some of you guys those locker stories at the summit, but I never wrote them in my log. I should do that.

[FlyinM]

Originally Posted by AF-Temp

This one happens to me all the time. Pick a locker in a row of empty lockers and when you go leave there's always someone in the locker right next to yours, no matter how long you just worked out.

And it's the same guy that parades around and has conversations nekid.

[stingo]

Originally Posted by Jean-Paul

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath - When your body is fully immersed in water, the will telephone ring.
8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Only because I'm bored...

1. Learn to pee through your nose. You might even get extra work as a fountain, nor will you ever be concerned about squirting soda/beer out your nose ever again.

2. Build a workspace where the floor slants down to the center.

3. Post your entire life on Youtube, there will (hopefully) be so much filler that nobody will wait around for the stupidity. Or, join internet forums and do the same thing in text. (Rather like now.)

4. Actually it's the right number to reach that phone, isn't it?

5. & 6. Buy a tank. Problems solved.

7. Fortunately you know that it's a telemarketer, or the repo man calling about your tank.

8. Trust no one. So this won't ever be an issue.

9. Chances are, the person who's watching the machine couldn't give a damn if it works or not. They just want to sell it off.

10. Attach coarse grained sandpaper at various points in your house. When people ask you what it's for, tell him it's scratching pad for your albino tiger who eats people that ask too many questions.

11. The corollary to this is that a person's perception of self-importance is directly proportional to the amount of time at which they arrive just before, or preferably after the event's start.

12. Starbucks' law actually is you'd get your ass to the local franchise and buy another coffee, using one to refresh the other.

13. This is probably true until you ask the other person if they like gladiator movies.

14. Buy peanut butter carpeting.

15. Nothing is impossible if you know what you're talking about.

16. If the clothes don't fit, you're ugly.

17. It also doesn't lead to stimulating conversation either.

18. More likely is that it will be reissued at twice the price as a collector's item.

19. If the doctor in question is a dentist, be sure to eat black licorice just before you go in.