So here it goes... I've been thinking that a friend of mine has been in the closet for a while, but I wasn't really sure. I mean he's hooked up (made out) with girls at parties and stuff, and he had a girlfriend in HS but not since then...But really that doesn't mean much.
A while back I was at his house and I glanced at his computer to see what he was doing (it ended up he was checking his mail) and I saw something from like a gay/lesbian/bisexual group on yahoo... At the time I just passed it off as him supporting gay rights or spam....
Anywho, I had to use my friends computer to print out a bank statement, and well when I downloaded the pdf, Firefox popped up all the downloads on his computer since the last time he cleared it. One of the files that came up was torrent with gay movie title...I only know this because I went back to my computer later and googled the title. Anyway, I don't want it to seem like I'm snooping on him, but I want to ask him. I feel bad for him...he's latino and his family is pretty religious. I feel like it's holding him back from coming out.
I want to bring it up, because I mean it has got to be hard living as someone you're not, and like I don't care. He's my best friend and no matter if he were gay, a transexual, green, purple, or blue I wouldn't care. We've been through way too much for me to care about something like this. To be honest he's like family, I love him.
Anyway, I'm wondering if I should bring this last thing up to him and be like "listen when I downloaded my bank statement your downloads came up and I saw the movie you downloaded...if you need to talk to someone I'm here, it doesn't matter to me" or should I keep my mouth shut in case he's not...just curious? Also how do I bring it up? in person (I'm not the best with words)? letter?
I don't think it's worth the chance of ruining the friendship. Like Cynic said, just be a friend. Being a friend doesn't mean sticking your nose in his private life is okay. You say it doesn't matter his orientation. Move on. Or get him drunk to see if he hits on you.
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Don't you think it'd be hard to keep a secret like that forever? Like I feel like living as someone your not in front of your friends and family would be hard...
None of your business, unless of course, you're interested. In which case, sure, find out if he's gay before you ask him out, you might lose a friend if he's a homophobe.
(sorry, couldn't help the joke...)
It's not your place to out someone or force them to out themselves. He could be any number of things, including perhaps, gay.
You can make it known that you're totally cool with people of all stripes, and if he decides to come out to you, that's fine. But his personal life is personal. If he doesn't want to share personal stuff, he doesn't want to.
Don't you think it'd be hard to keep a secret like that forever? Like I feel like living as someone your not in front of your friends and family would be hard...
People have hidden it for decades. Sometimes in a moment of weakness, they slip up, but those that exercise a higher degree of discipline and discretion, they can easily keep it hidden all their lives.
It's believed J. Edgar Hoover was gay, but there is no "hard" evidence.
don't bring it up to him. if he's not gay, you're risking causing him GREAT embarassment by bringing it up. If he is, he still might not tell you b/c he'd be afraid of how the person would act.
the only thing you can possibly do, is if the topic of conversation comes up, bring up how you have nothing against gays, etc etc.
basically, if you're friend's gay, they'll tell you when they're ready. I have a friend who didn't tell me until 2 years after i knew her, although, i pretty much knew already.
A friend of my friend was gay as well, and they suspected, and she finally came out and told them at a bar one night when she got up enough nerve.
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I've known his since I was 5, it's not going to matter. I really appreciate everyones responses. It's really been helpful.
For anyone else who would like to chime in, I'd more than like to hear from you. But for now, I'm going to go with the 'i have nothing against gays' (if it comes up) and just be really open and let him make up his own mind...
But for now, I'm going to go with the 'i have nothing against gays' (if it comes up) and just be really open and let him make up his own mind...
It may not even require something so direct. People don't realize how much their non-verbal, indirect language speaks for them.
You see something gay and you're not interested. Do you turn it off/change it and say nothing (proceed as normal) or do you jab the power button and wince?
If asked what you thought of "Brokeback Mountain," do you say it holds no value to you personally or do you start making a bunch of Brokeback jokes?
Remember, if he's wrestling with acceptance, there's no telling what he'll read into a response to something gay.
Be somewhere quiet and comfortable...and ask. Then move your hand teasingly up his milky white...wait...wrong story.
Just ask. If he denies and wants to know why, tell him that you just had a feeling and wanted to know. Then drop it unless he wants to tell you more. I can't imagine it hurting your friendship either way. Biggest thing is being supportive and sincere. Don't be on a witch hunt (cause maybe he isn't or at least isn't going to tell you), just be a good friend.
I'd probably not say anything. Saying "gee, I don't have a problem with gays" might label you as a bigot...sounds funny but it can happen. Would you have known if you hadn't been poking around his computer?
Someone's sexual orientation is a private thing. If they wish to share it with their friends fine, if they do not, fine.
I personally wouldn't ask. Who my friends have sex with should not effect my friendship with them.
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Other than your finding out the truth (possibly) I can't see what value this situation might hold... Then again, if it truly doesn't matter to you, why feel the need to ask? If what matters is that your best friend that you knew since you were five has a supposed secret and is keeping it from you - then perhaps this is more about your knowing what that secret is rather than the secret itself.
Just flippin' ask him! Everyone here acts like your friendship is super fragile and he'll never talk to you again. It DOES help to let someone know, especially someone who has been your best friend since you were both knee high to a duck. If he's not gay just tell him what you told us and that you just wanted to be supportive if he was!
I just don't see how it's going to be the end of your friendship if you ask him and he gets butt-hurt.
As for it mattering or not, uhmm, I think it DOES matter on some level. If he is into guys, wouldn't you think twice about pushing that fat girl on him while you try and hook up with the bombshell blonde? Wouldn't it matter when you talk about your sexual experiences and he might have very little to relate with or have to try and be someone he is not? If you knew, he would likely be much more comfortable instead of always trying to hide it. Hell, what if he is dating a man in secret and wants to vent about relationship problems? Who is going to be his friend then if he never tells anyone? Things might be a little different afterwards, but think about how relieved he will be to see his best friend doesn't care if he's gay or not, or if he talks about it.
I'd go for it man.
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I agree beer should be involved. Just be careful, too much beer and you may end up having your first gay experience.
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My mom is VERY out, but it still isn't necessarily the kind of thing that someone should walk up and ask her about... When she first came out it took forever... I was SEVEN and I already knew.
Although being gay is part of who someone is, it's still like asking your best friend if he/she likes anal. You don't necessarily ask someone about their preferred sex acts unless you just normally have conversations like that all the time.
Although being gay is part of who someone is, it's still like asking your best friend if he/she likes anal. You don't necessarily ask someone about their preferred sex acts unless you just normally have conversations like that all the time.
See, that's the different class system at work. Me and Sal are on that bottom wrung lewd and dude. "You gay?" Conversation is DONE either way it's answered. These classy mo-fo's with their "feelings" and shit "oh...I don't know. It's a delicate situation". Spread your legs and bounce once or twice...the fella's might drop.
Although being gay is part of who someone is, it's still like asking your best friend if he/she likes anal. You don't necessarily ask someone about their preferred sex acts unless you just normally have conversations like that all the time.
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My thoughts exactly.
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I am on BeachHead/Sal's side here but I would probably try approaching it delicately. I agree that it does matter. They have been friends forever, the friend probably doesn't know how to start the conversation. I would probably start with trying to get him to supply the info though. I would tell him how you guys are great friends, the friendship means a lot to you, hope that we are honest with each other and there for each other. Maybe it will be a pep talk for him to open up but probably not.
I would tell him how you guys are great friends, the friendship means a lot to you, hope that we are honest with each other and there for each other. Maybe it will be a pep talk for him to open up but probably not.
If he goes up to his friend talking like this, his friend will probably assume Keith is the one about to come out of the closet.
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I say you shouldn't ask. Does knowing if he is or isn't going to change your friendship, or the way you look at him? If you're a true friend, it won't. So what does it matter if you know or not? When it's time for him to say something he will. It's his personal business, not yours.
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I wouldn't ask him. I have a childhood friend who came out of the closet to me, and he was in his 30's before doing so. He took that long to figure out his sexual orientation. He dated women through his 20's but finally admitted it to himself in his 30's. He also made it very clear that he didn't want me to out him with anyone else (he hadn't even told his parents). It was very important to him that he was the one who brought it up with whomever and whenever.
Does he generally seem like a happy person? If he was depressed or seemed like he was wrestling with some huge burden, then I might bring it up.
I've been ther...but we all pretty much knew anyway...when he built himself up to make the big announcement, he was a bit deflated when we all went..."cool...er...it's still your round".
All went very smoothly after that. Point is...the timing is his business - not yours.
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Okay, I'm still a little confused. Basically, all you have is some indication that he visited a few sites. It's a big leap to believing he must be gay with such slim evidence. Maybe he was just curious, maybe he enjoys that kind of thing but doesn't consider himself gay, maybe he's doing research, who knows? There could be hundreds of other explanations.
If you're comfortable bringing up that kind of subject with him, fine. Talk about it. But if he's going to be embarrassed about what you found, or consider it intrusive and overbearing, maybe it's a good idea to keep it to yourself.
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Asking a Friend if He's Gay
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