essay - violence in entertainment is beneficial

[Matthew]

I wrote this essay for my College Writing Skills class, it's due soon but I would love some feedback on it before I hand it in. I know there are some mistakes still that I need to work out - one or two of those paragraphs are incomplete. Please focus on the layout, ie topic sentence-subpoint-example, and if it all ties in together and most importantly that it makes sense. I've read and reread this thing fifteen times in the last couple days and I can't even tell anymore.

If you still have exams go back to studying, this can wait.

ps. It's not going to sound like my writing, but it is.

pps. I don't have the discussion question with me, but I'm basically suppose to discuss if violence in video games, movies, sports and/or literature is beneficial to society because it allows us to release negative energies in a safe environment or if it's bad for society because blah blah blah. The safe environment was only suppose to account for one of the arguments though. A quote from an article Stephen King wrote was in the question, so that's why he's in my essay. I'll try and find the article on the internet...

Thanks.

Violence in Entertainment is Beneficial to Society

Violence in entertainment does not turn children into monsters. It doesn’t make a teenager pick up a gun and attack strangers. It doesn’t make someone break into and steal a car. It doesn’t make someone pick up an axe and go on a zombie hunt, either. What it does do is what it is intended to do, what it does do is help people. Exposure to extremely violent images in various entertainment mediums is actually beneficial; it allows us to release negative energies in a safe, structured environment; it provides the individuals of a society a form of psychological relief; and it offers an eye-opening taste of reality.
Violence in entertainment provides a safe and structured way of releasing negative energies because there are no real victims and therefore no real consequences. One direct way of letting out some stress in a safe way is through video games. In the game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City by Rockstar Games a player can begin side missions called Rampages with the objective being to kill a number of pedestrians within a time frame using a specific weapon. One Rampage asks the player to kill 35 gang members within two minutes using an M4 machine gun. This type of computer animated violence is great for releasing stress not just because of the amount of violence involved, but because it is in fact computer animated. The victims – if they can be called that – are nothing more than colours on a screen. They have no family, no past, present or future, no senses. Best of all, they usually reappear almost instantly on another street.
A more indirect method the entertainment industry provides for releasing negative energies in a safe and structured environment is televised sporting events. Professional wrestling is one such event. Although to the viewer at home wrestlers are also just colours on a screen, they are real people. Because they are real, with real families and real futures and a very real sense of pain, many safety precautions are taken to ensure the wrestlers’ safety. The major safety precaution: it’s fake. They use fake punches, fake kicks, fake body slams. Their monologues are scripted, and probably practiced in the changeroom beforehand. So there is the participants’ safety taken care of. What about the viewer’s safety? Well the viewer is sitting on his or her couch at home, watching the event on television. He can yell at the miniature actors through the screen. He can laugh, cheer, clap and sing, right along with the crowd. All are reasonable ways to release stress, all are safe, and none include a real victim.
Further reasons violence in entertainment is beneficial is that it provides psychological relief by helping people re-establish a sense of normalcy, as well as by releasing built-up stress. According to Stephen King we are all insane but are hiding it well. Insanity, then, is a part of our nature, but we are forced to put on a mask and hide that nature in the name of public decency. A violent movie lets its viewers take off that mask. It gives viewers the chance to see that they are not alone in their insanity, that some will go so far as to embrace their insanity and put it to use. Audience members often find themselves cheering on the bad guy, screaming in both fear and delight as Jason takes another victim. Or as Predator does battle with Alien, or as Thomas Hewitt breaks out his infamous chainsaw. These villains of the big screen are the manifestations of the desires every human being has in their darkest hours. To see them in action is to see ourselves in action. That builds a connection between villain and viewer, and even viewer and viewer, temporarily fulfilling the natural and universal desire to be normal.
The second way that experiencing violent acts through entertainment provides psychological relief is by allowing individuals the chance to release inner stress that has been building up; something anyone with a wound-up boss or family member will agree is good for everyone. These inner stresses are made up of every indecent thought or emotion that has been locked away for fear someone might take notice. Stephen King writes that these emotions form a being inside of us, a potentially violent being. To keep this lyncher, as King calls it, stowed away and harmless, it needs to be let out every once in a while “to scream and roll around in the grass”. Witnessing violent acts, be it in movies, video games, sports or literature, is like opening the gate to the backyard for our little friend. He can run free back there, no one will know. He can wear himself down by running laps around the yard and tackling his imaginary friends, all the better. Afterwards he will be tired and easy to control. In other words, letting the wound-up lyncher (stress) free in the backyard (a safe place, such as video games or sporting events) rids the lyncher of his energy (gets rid of stress).
Violent scenes in entertainment give viewers a bitter taste of reality. They give viewers reasons to return to their logical, intellectual selves. When people are stressed out and overrun with hormones they are irrational creatures. They say things they wouldn’t normally say, and do things they wouldn’t normally do. It is our inner lyncher that does these things. Sometimes, as mentioned earlier, this being needs to be let loose. Other times it needs a quick slap in the face. This slap in the face makes the lyncher sit back and think, “Ow. That really hurt. Is that what I’ve been doing to people?” This slap in the face reminds us of the ugliness of the movie-screen villains. It reminds us that if we fail to recapture our escaped lyncher, bad things will happen to real people and there will be real consequences. It reminds us to replace that mask after exiting the theatre and stepping back into civilization.
Experiencing violence through entertainment mediums is beneficial. It helps to relieve stress and provides a safe environment to do so. It builds a connection from the viewer to the medium and other viewers, which in turn allows each person present to come down to the same level and feel normal. It also offers a preview of the consequences of participating in violence, ‘grounding’ the viewers with a sense of reality.

[Matthew]

Why We Crave Horror Movies by Stephen King

[UpNorth]

Edit: Should learn to read first... please move along.

[Matthew]

I only chose to write 'for' violence because I figured everyone else would write against it, I don't necessarily agree with all of it. This isn't a research essay, meaning I don't need to back up my claims. The only point of the essay is to learn how to write essays.

Did you like the way it was written? Did it make sense? Were you able to follow my thoughts? Did it all seem to tie in or are there some weak/irrelevant points? Does it flow nicely? Any major grammatical errors that you can see?

Thank you UpNorth, for taking the time to read my essay and to respond to it.
You're right though, people just don't understand consequences the way they use to.

it's funny how the newer generations are said to be de-sensitized to violence, while at the same time being called wussies.

[LisaS]

I think your P1 is really your closing paragraph. It doesn't really set up the essay or arc the content - but it is summary - and I think summary works better at the close.

I think it would be stronger to start off with P2 or a new P1 that does set up the essay better and then close with P1 - or better, rework some of the sentences from P1 into your last paragraph.

[UpNorth]

Sorry about the reply, then subsequent removal... I feel like I should at least provide a thoughtful response. One thing I find missing from the essay is a clear definition of the problem the video violence resolves. You talk about negative energies and physchological release, etc. without letting the reader know these are problems to begin with. For example you might want to say that the children of today are bombarded by stresses generations past couldn't even dream of caused by the proliferation of the Internet, blah, blah, blah. Since it's all made up anyway you might as well ham that up as well. Defining the problem will set the stage for your arguments. It's a classic debate move: define the argument on your terms first, then make your case.

Also, I know that this advice is coming too late but remember your teacher is a person with feelings. This essay might hit at a sore spot with the teacher, like it did for me. Remember grades are subjective and as much as everyone thinks they can rise above their emotions to make a logical decision, it never works that way. I guess I'm saying you picked a dangerous topic.

Anyway, it's good work it just need a little polish.

[LisaS]

thanks UpNorth for reminding me - the case that we have "negative energies" at all isn't really made early enough in the essay - he makes the case that virtual violence dissapates these before he convinces me that a) they exist and b) need to be dissapated and c) have no other outlet.

[LisaS]

grammar --

Further reasons ... is ...

these disagree - either make reasons singular or use are rather than is -
also - you are missing "that" in the sentence as written.

and then - is "Further" really the word you want to read - what is "Further" about the rest of the sentence ? Maybe you need "additional" rather than "further" ?

please don't think I'm picking - I'm trying to act as a "peer review" for you -

[LisaS]

In fact I think I'd rewrite this whole sentence

Further reasons violence in entertainment is beneficial is that it provides psychological relief by helping people re-establish a sense of normalcy, as well as by releasing built-up stress.

into at least two.
starting with something more like "Violence in entertainment is beneficial..." then make the case.

[Matthew]

That's awesome guys, thanks. I have about one minute to get to my next exam, so I'll have to write more when I get home tonight.
Thanks again.

[Cynic]

Yeah, LisaS is right. Your closing paragraph should summarize the points made in the preceding body. The opening paragraph is your stated position. I think you have them swapped.

[jax]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis

[Matthew]

One thing I find missing from the essay is a clear definition of the problem the video violence resolves. You talk about negative energies and physchological release, etc. without letting the reader know these are problems to begin with. For example you might want to say that the children of today are bombarded by stresses generations past couldn't even dream of caused by the proliferation of the Internet, blah, blah, blah. Since it's all made up anyway you might as well ham that up as well. Defining the problem will set the stage for your arguments. It's a classic debate move: define the argument on your terms first, then make your case.

Excellent point! I didn't even think of that. I'll rewrite the opening paragraph to include the problem and why it's a problem. Thanks.

grammar --

Further reasons ... is ...

these disagree - either make reasons singular or use are rather than is -
also - you are missing "that" in the sentence as written.

and then - is "Further" really the word you want to read - what is "Further" about the rest of the sentence ? Maybe you need "additional" rather than "further" ?

Actually I saw that as I was 'copy and past' ing the essay, I figured if I left it in someone would point it out and that would remind me to rewrite that part later as I was fixing everything else. So thanks!

please don't think I'm picking - I'm trying to act as a "peer review" for you

I wouldn't dream of it. I asked for this, remember?:p

I rushed through the conclusion so that I could move onto other things, that was one of the paragraphs I said wasn't finished. I'll go over the whole thing again with your points in mind, though. Thanks everyone.