1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fuck you,' and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.
22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
23. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.
25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!
Hm... That is dark. Whoever wrote that either has some real issues with women or quite possibly the darkest sense of humor I've ever seen. I would read one of those, laugh for a second, and then say, "that's not funny at all."
Hm... That is dark. Whoever wrote that either has some real issues with women or quite possibly the darkest sense of humor I've ever seen. I would read one of those, laugh for a second, and then say, "that's not funny at all."
Aw, c'mon! Where's the locker-room JP hiding? Dark, yes... but some of those were damn funny.
A lot I didnt like I'll admit (as Shannon said, Abuse isnt funny), but I did like the honesty in this one:
Quote:
24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but I think it's funny.
Some weren't funny just because they weren't funny, but most made me laugh pretty hard. I know abuse is wrong and I would never intentionally hurt a woman, but at the same time I can see the hilarity in jokes such as these.
When I read this I picture it happening to a person in my mind, a person of my own imagination. I can laugh at the many characters in my mind because it's not a real person with real feelings of pain.
It's like watching a movie. When something bad happens to someone you feel bad, sure. But at the same time you realize it's just a movie and it didn't actually happen to this person, so you can laugh (if that was the intention of the scene anyway).
What I mean is, if I know of any abuse in real life I will take action to stop it. But because this is in the written word, because I know no one was hurt by it, and because I know it's intentions are of a comedic nature, I can laugh at it.
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And major action will certainly make you feel a bit uncomfortable, which is absolutely fine. You've gotta get excited about feeling uncomfortable, you've gotta love feeling slightly uncomfortable, because you know that you're stepping outside the boundaries that you used to create.
Zach Even-Esh
I've made some huge mistakes, but they were necessary, because without them I wouldn't have learned anything.
-Dave Tate
Hm... That is dark. Whoever wrote that either has some real issues with women or quite possibly the darkest sense of humor I've ever seen. I would read one of those, laugh for a second, and then say, "that's not funny at all."
really? i laughed at the whole thing... fucking hilarious!
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It was funny, in a sick way. Kind of like reading those comics, you know the ones JP posted that were sick but funny. I'm with Matthew, I would never let this go on with me knowing it in real life, but this kind of seems like a SNL skit or list.
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I thought they were pretty hilarious. I just e-mailed them to my wife, so I'll tell you what she thinks later.
If abuse isn't funny, why do so many people like "Family Guy"?
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I thought they were pretty hilarious. I just e-mailed them to my wife, so I'll tell you what she thinks later.
If abuse isn't funny, why do so many people like "Family Guy"?
I don't like the show much. It has its moments though.
With things like these though, I guess if you find them ridiculous enough and fake enough they are funny. Like I said, if I'd read a couple of them only I probably wouldn't've been able to stop laughing.
My problem is that with so many of them in a row they started to sound too much like actual cases of cruelty, which just got too real for me.
It's a joke, guys. It was written as joke, with the intentions of a joke: to make people laugh.
If one of those things happened to someone you know, and that person was scarred for life and had to go to therapy, and they had to unplug all the phones before they went to sleep, or cried every time they saw a tire yard, burning or not, or every time they saw a garbage can, and couldn't hold someone's hand for fear of losing theirs, and kept their hair cut short all the time, and won't buy anything in twos aymore, then I would understand you're being offended.
But any less than that, you just need to loosen the tie a little bit.
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And major action will certainly make you feel a bit uncomfortable, which is absolutely fine. You've gotta get excited about feeling uncomfortable, you've gotta love feeling slightly uncomfortable, because you know that you're stepping outside the boundaries that you used to create.
Zach Even-Esh
I've made some huge mistakes, but they were necessary, because without them I wouldn't have learned anything.
-Dave Tate
It's a joke, guys. It was written as joke, with the intentions of a joke: to make people laugh.
If one of those things happened to someone you know, and that person was scarred for life and had to go to therapy, and they had to unplug all the phones before they went to sleep, or cried every time they saw a tire yard, burning or not, or every time they saw a garbage can, and couldn't hold someone's hand for fear of losing theirs, and kept their hair cut short all the time, and won't buy anything in twos aymore, then I would understand you're being offended.
But any less than that, you just need to loosen the tie a little bit.
Hmmm... well that is spoken like someone who hasn't known people in abusive situations, and if that's the case, then you are blessed. Once you've seen it, it's harder to find any similar situations all that funny.
But, for those whom this is all very theoretical, I can understand the absurdity of the situations being funny.
For the rest of us, it's a sad reminder of what some minds are capable of. Even though I believe that the author/proponents of this joke know that they would never do such things, there are people in this world who would, and that fact frankly sucks in a big huge way.
not knocking the poster or other members or even trying to hint that it shouldn't be posted here. I get it's meant in jest and parallels can be drawn to other shows\humorous "stuff".
it's like anything a little racy, some people might not dig it. there's VERY little doubt in my mind that people get offended at some\all of my posts . don't care, and it isn't my place to take the moral high ground. just keep in mind that when you post something that might offend...it might offend. you know it when you post it, don't defend it, there's no point. something else to keep in mind is that we have at least one respected member of the board that has been in an abusive relationship so something along these lines may hit close to home.
We all respect each other and are willing to take things with a grain of salt. Let's just be aware and responsible, ya know?
I didn't find it funny. Not my brand of humour, I guess.
And Tony & Shannon - your point is very well taken.
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"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." - Dr. Seuss
"Life is no brief candle to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." - George Bernard Shaw
what's up with people taking this seriously? Matthew summed it up pretty well - y'all REALLY need to lighten up. Even if you DO have friends who've been abused, it's CLEARLY sarcasm - do you guys need glasses?
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Like Tony, I'm not into telling people what they should or should not find funny. I just said I didn't think it was. To my mind, abuse isn't funny, plain and simple, regardless of whether it's sarcastic or not. But that's just me. I'm not going to rag on someone for thinking otherwise. And you shouldn't tell me to lighten up about it.
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"Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you are right." - Henry Ford
"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." - Dr. Seuss
"Life is no brief candle to me. It is sort of a splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." - George Bernard Shaw
what's up with people taking this seriously? Matthew summed it up pretty well - y'all REALLY need to lighten up. Even if you DO have friends who've been abused, it's CLEARLY sarcasm - do you guys need glasses?
#11 is sarcasm?
I think you're the one who needs glasses. And maybe a soul transplant.
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"A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have."
I don't find it funny at all and wasn't going to say anything for fear of being accused of being bitter again. However having been an abusive relationship and being in the job that I am (where I see the effects of such abuse) I think that its sad really. I can understand that someone who has never had abuse touch their lives may find the black humor funny, just don't knowck those who think its not. Or try to convince them that it is.
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"My darling," she said at last, "are you sure you don't mind being a mouse for the rest of your life?"
"I don't mind at all," I said. "It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like so long as somebody loves you."
I completely understand if someone who has been in an abusive relationship or is close to someone who has been in an abusive relationship doesn't find this funny. I make that perfectly clear in this overexaggerated piece:
Quote:
If one of those things happened to someone you know, and that person was scarred for life and had to go to therapy, and they had to unplug all the phones before they went to sleep, or cried every time they saw a tire yard, burning or not, or every time they saw a garbage can, and couldn't hold someone's hand for fear of losing theirs, and kept their hair cut short all the time, and won't buy anything in twos aymore, then I would understand you're being offended.
I don't think that everyone should find this funny. There are cartoons in the Sunday Comics that I don't find funny, but someone must because otherwise what the hell are they doing in the Sunday Comics. I am totally ok with the fact that everyone has different opinions. What I'm not ok with is people being so uptight that they take offense to things they have no reason to take offense to. Case and point.
Hence this sentence:
Quote:
you just need to loosen the tie a little bit.
Note: I am not calling anyone here uptight, I was speaking in generalities.
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And major action will certainly make you feel a bit uncomfortable, which is absolutely fine. You've gotta get excited about feeling uncomfortable, you've gotta love feeling slightly uncomfortable, because you know that you're stepping outside the boundaries that you used to create.
Zach Even-Esh
I've made some huge mistakes, but they were necessary, because without them I wouldn't have learned anything.
-Dave Tate
Since the whole point of the list, though, was that these are things you should NOT do... it's really just a big farce. However, having said that, my reaction was a lot like some others. The absurdity of a few of them appealed to my dark sense of humor, but as the list kept going on and on, it did seem to cross the line into creepy.
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