Hey guys, I’m sorry to dump this on the forum, but I need some life advice, and since there are a healthy handful of people here whom I respect deeply, I thought this might be the best place to go.
There’s a lot going on – my gf and I butt heads quite a bit because we’re both very stubborn people. We eventually reach some type of resolution, but it takes a little while to get there. We’ve only been dating a little over 3 months, and it worries me that we fight as much as we do this early in the relationship.
She lives paycheck to paycheck (supports herself while going to school). She just graduated, and she’s going back for her masters in September. She’s under constant stress with work, school and family, and struggling to get by every month.
To compound that, last week her dad was hit by a car. A car didn’t hit his car. A car hit him. He’s alright – it just clipped his leg – but they didn’t catch who did it (hit and run) so he has to pay all the medical stuff himself, and her parents don’t have much money either. Earlier this week, when her mom was driving to the hospital to pick her dad up from surgery, her mom was rear-ended (nothing too serious, luckily).
She just got a healthy handful of money from relatives for graduation, so we planned a trip to FL, as neither of us has been away in a while (just a quick, 4-day weekend thing). She’s just burned out and really needs to get away.
My parents and I fight all the time now that I’m back in their house. I’m so used to coming and going as I please, and living independently from when I’m at school, that it’s very difficult for me to deal with them. They’re not mean, but my mom is VERY motherly and overbearing, and incredibly OCD about everything (different types of silverware have specific spots in the silverware drawer in the dishwasher, for example). My dad is a workaholic and always have a project or chore to do, and I feel like nothing I do personally or professionally is every good enough for him.
Basically, I need to move out, but I’m still an intern and don’t have the resources to do so yet. My internship pays pretty well ($12/hr), but without benefits or a permanent placement, I can’t move out. In the meantime, I’m saving up so that I can ASAP.
Back to my gf and the vacation – this morning on the way to work, Michelle (my gf) smashed her car. She was trying to change lanes, another car blocked her out, the car in front of her slowed down, she slammed on her brakes, lost control and slammed into the guard rail. She’s pretty badly messed up her passenger side – needs a new fender, headlight, and some body work. Truth be told, she follows people too close in rush hour traffic (“if you don’t, people cut you off”), and it was wet out today, so it is entirely her fault.
She’s ok, but she’s freaking out because now that we’ve got this vacation, she won’t be able to afford to fix her car right away, and when she does, it will clean out her savings account. I’m afraid she won’t be able to relax on this vacation, or spend any money on anything while we’re there. Tomorrow’s her birthday, and I want her to have a fun day without worry. When she was talking about the accident, though, she said, “What has my family done to deserve all this?” That concerns me, because she’s shying away from her responsibility in the crash. However, I recognize that it may be a stress related coping mechanism (the accident has happened just 10 minutes prior).
So my conundrum: what do I do?
I want to help her in any way I can, but I’m not sure what I should do. Do I help her pay for her car? Give her a loan? Say to myself, “it’s her fault, she can deal with it,” because I need money to move out? Stay with her or leave? Are there some serious red-flags here? Any advice would be great, esp from the married folks who’ve been there and done that (I’m thinking specifically of the Red family, JP & Erika, etc)
Sorry for the length of this post. Thanks in advance.
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I don't think this is worthy of leaving her, not from what you have posted at least. I would cancel the vacation or do something much cheaper that will still be fun and yield great memories. If you have the extra money, foot more of the overnight trip or all of it as a bday present to her. Let her pay for the auto though. She may know very well the accident was her fault but when you look at three accidents in such a small space of time, even logical person will ask that question.
I think your mom and my mom are of the same school. Buy yourself some plastic and paper dishes so you don't have to mess with that crap. My first thought is that if you don't figure out a way to live there, they will never see you as an older adult. You will always go home and be treated like a kid to be nagged. I guess she doesn't work so she has all day to ride you? I don't know how many hours you work but if you have enough time to be sitting around the house, find more to do. Set up a schedule of when you'll be at the library doing 'research' for next years classes with a 'study partner'. Surely you can think of something to tell them that sounds responsible. I moved out early and didn't have the chance to save money so I ended up like your girlfriend, take the cheapest living you can for as long as you can.
Interesting that you would intertain this. Sounds like you're not all that happy with the relationship. But bailing now would be a really harsh slap.
Be supportive. Don't "do" anything. Listen and give her hugs. The ONLY way to insure that she will enjoy using her money for vacation is to give her the option...decision to use it that way. Put the ball in her court. Let her know you will support whatever decision she makes and stand by it. As you pointed out, vacation will suck if all she thinks about it how she should have spent her money. So...you may as well not go if that ends up being the case. Let her decide and be okay with it. She doesn't need pressure to go on vacation. That's just added stress.
Be supportive. That's all. Relationship with others is usually a lot easier than we make it. Our own desires and wants can get in the way. But...ultimately it's your decision. You have to ask yourself...How much do you value the relationship. And act accordingly. Good luck.
Is there any way to cancel the trip and not lose the money? My guess is that since it's her graduation money paying for the trip, she is going to resent spending it instead of repairing the car and you will both likely not enjoy the vacation anyway. If you can afford it, I would give her a gift of money for her birthday for her car repairs. It may only be a fraction of the repair, but your intentions and thoughts will be clear.
Does she not carry insurance or is she trying to pay for the crash to avoid reporting it to the insurance company?
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I don't know how much that vacation costs, but why not propose something cheaper. A camping trip that's just the two of you can be very inexpensive, particularly if you already have (or can borrow) the stuff. It can also be fun and a good time to think, particularly enjoy sleeping in, going to bed early, campfires, roasting hot dogs over the fire, s'mores, sleeping bags zipped together, etc.
Just proposing cancelling the trip might not help at all, but if you've already got the solution pretty much planned out, she might appreciate the effort. Plus, if it's designed to give you two time alone, she might be flattered at the thought.
That's a lot of stressfull stuff, at the same time. She likely knows the accident is her fault, but with all those accidents at the same time, it's hard to not feel like she's taking more than her share of bad luck, too.
Rather than fix the car with your money, propose that you'll pay for the trip (or camping trip), as a birthday present, since you know she might need to concentrate on the car.
As to your parents, I'm assuming you don't have to pay rent... Take on some chores, on your own so you can pick what you feel you can handle, then just take the weirdness with a grain of salt. It won't be forever...
But... advice on the money situation. Make it a cheaper holiday, find some way to finance it as a unit, postpone it... but don't under any circumstance lend money at this point in the relationship. Been there, done that, never got the cash back. Furthermore, it will only add another strain to the situation. And if you're vaguely considering that the end might be near, then just think how much worse a breakup would be in the future with however much money hanging over you.
If you must finance it yourself, then give the money free of strings, if she pays you back in a years time then so be it.
I fondly call the detriment to my bank account "stupid tax".
It will take up more of your time AND it may help in the arguments as you will have an outlet.
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I should have mentioned that we're leaving tomorrow morning - non-refundable tickets and the hotel requires cancelations 3-days in advance, so... too late to cancel the trip. we'd pay the full value of the thing anyways.
Mahler, she doesn't want her insurance rates to go up, so she's trying to avoid claiming it.
Thanks for all the replies, guys.
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Start selling your plasma. ~$35 twice a week. Both of you will be too tired to argue.
Sorry to hear about your troubles, Shark. As others have said, offer to pay a larger portion of a cheaper, substitute vacation as a birthday present. No lending of money. Only makes things worse. Constant fighting might be a red flag, but if you come to a resolution over the issues, vs internalizing them, then that's not such a bad thing.
Thanks for inviting us into this discussion, Chris -- it takes quite man to open up and ask for input on something so personal. I'll take things point by point:
"Stay with her or leave?" -- This was probably just the stress talking on your part... you know the right answer here, that's obvious from the rest of your post.
"Too late to cancel the trip" -- Good! This is a priceless opportunitity to bond and learn more about your gf, and this relationship's potential for the long term. Since this is a sunk cost, you both might as well enjoy the trip. Help her to see that. To come back from a rare weekend treat like this and still be stressed and negative would be a tragedy. Get her mind off yesterday's wreck and next month's bills, and enjoy every single moment of that trip for what it is -- a getaway with someone you care deeply about. Immerse yourself in those moments, and try to help her do the same. You noted that you're both stubborn people, and this trip may be a good gauge of your potential to be molded, softened and improved by each other.
"Do I help pay for her car? Give her a loan?" -- No. Too early in the relationship. Brings too many collateral issues. Right now it's her situation and she needs to deal with it financially. You two are at a stage where emotional suppport is your primary role in something like this. She's an adult with a degree and headed to graduate school; she can work through this. Think how you would feel if she loaned you money in a similar situation, and the weird strings that would introduce into the relationship.
"My parents and I fight all the time now that I'm back in their house" -- Good! This is a natural part of your adulthood not meshing with their habits and tendencies after two decades of raising you. Although the tension is almost inevitable, continue to show them that you are a man by being courteous, thankful and polite in what is still their house. Like Lost Dog said, this too shall pass. It's just an awkward stage and there's no way around that. But the way you treat your parents now will echo for years to come.
Now go have fun in Florida!
--Michael
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I am with Shannon on not giving relationship advice but as far as the money goes either make the cash a gift or foot more of the vacation bill but whatever you do never loan a date or a relative money, it rarely works out well.
my gf and I butt heads quite a bit because we’re both very stubborn people. We eventually reach some type of resolution, but it takes a little while to get there. We’ve only been dating a little over 3 months, and it worries me that we fight as much as we do this early in the relationship.
I think, to some extent, this is natural. The newness has worn off and now you're digging deeper into each other's personalities and finding some very annoying aspects. These aspects tend to be magnified because a short time ago you could see little wrong with this person. Try looking at things objectively and picking your battles. It can be an irritating game, to be sure, but only you can decide whether accepting the "bad" is worth it to keep the "good".
Quote:
Originally Posted by shark
Basically, I need to move out, but I’m still an intern and don’t have the resources to do so yet. My internship pays pretty well ($12/hr), but without benefits or a permanent placement, I can’t move out. In the meantime, I’m saving up so that I can ASAP.
Are not having to separate silverware (incidentally, it makes is easier to put away) or do other annoying tasks worth $500+ per month? Free rent is a good thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shark
When she was talking about the accident, though, she said, “What has my family done to deserve all this?” That concerns me, because she’s shying away from her responsibility in the crash. However, I recognize that it may be a stress related coping mechanism (the accident has happened just 10 minutes prior).
I understand her feeling. She likely knows it was her fault, but sometimes things can really pile on. '04-'05 was like that for my wife and I. In the space of less than a year my grandma died, we bought a house with a more-stressful-than-average closing (the previous tenants didn't want to move out), we got in a car accident that left my wife in the hospital for a week with a broken rib, punctured lung, and lacerated liver, and her father died. It sucked. The good news is we got through it and it lent us some perspective on the smaller stresses in life. If you two get through this stressful time, together, your relationship will hopefully be better for it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by shark
I want to help her in any way I can, but I’m not sure what I should do. Do I help her pay for her car? Give her a loan? Say to myself, “it’s her fault, she can deal with it,” because I need money to move out? Stay with her or leave?
Don't give her a loan. The expectation of payback will be an added stress. Since the vacation is non-refundable, go, and try to make the best of it. If you feel like you can afford it, offer to pay for meals and admissions for both of you, especially if you want to go somewhere she thinks is too expensive.
Financial troubles are no fun, I know. The only advice I can offer on that front is to stay away from credit card debt. It will only prolong your agony.
Just have a good time on the trip. Spend as much time on the beach as possible and get a good tan. Remember girls like you to listen to their problems, you don't need to fix everything. This can be the toughest thing about being in a relationship.
In times like this I always like to quote Brandon Lee from the film "The Crow"
"It can't rain all the time"
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Remember girls like you to listen to their problems, you don't need to fix everything.
That may be the toughest part. I can listen, but I hate not being able to fix things. I can't be the only one in here who has "Mr. Fix-it Syndrome." It's a male disease, right?
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Home: tough it out, act like the adult you calim to be and put the bloody silverwear where it belongs (bogus, but hey grow up- meant kindly) If that is all it takes - how hard can it be. Once you get int the working world, you will find much bigger pains in the butt than your mom.
Your DAD- probably, most of it is in your head. As much as I know you, you seem like a decent young man and I strongly doubt that your father is as diossappointed in you as you think- in fact I bet he ios very proud of you. As a father (I am sure other fathers will agree) we can be at dissappointed in our sons, but we are at all times very proud of them (some of us do not express it or show it, but I have never met a father who was not proud of his son) Talk to him!!!
Girlfriend- go on vacation, pick up a few extra tabs, use some of the sharkie charm we hear so much about to make her forget her troubles.
have a good time
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That may be the toughest part. I can listen, but I hate not being able to fix things. I can't be the only one in here who has "Mr. Fix-it Syndrome." It's a male disease, right?
Definitely a dude thing. I can't stand it, but I'm working on it.
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if you live at home you got to go by their rules... simple as that. if you can't deal with it, move out. get a second job; get some roommates and move to the shitty side of town; etc. do whatever it takes. DO NOT move in w/ your girlfriend if you've only been dating for three months. too early.
i almost never suggest living beyond ones means, but i make an exception for traveling. see if you can borrow some money from your parents. get (either you, her, or both) a good credit card if you have too, but ONLY use it for this trip and pay it off asap (some cards are interest free for up to a year).
where are you going by the way?
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That may be the toughest part. I can listen, but I hate not being able to fix things. I can't be the only one in here who has "Mr. Fix-it Syndrome." It's a male disease, right?
Listening requires not talking.
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have a great trip chris! i don't have any advice, but just enjoy the trip -- hollywood beach has always been our favorites (there's a cute boardwalk) it's just outside of ft. lauderdale.
best relationship advice I can give: if the other person isn't happy, neither are you. do whatever you can to make them happy on a meaningful level. don't buy shit or something "disposible" just be as good and "caring" individual as you can.
90% of the time, shut up. If she asks what you think it's probibly a trick. Listen.
Rest of it: Shit happens. Normally it happens a lot at once. Deal with it as best you can and try not to let it get you down. The plastic silverware\diningwear idea is a good plan. Her and her family are having money troubles...it happens. What are you going to do? Go on with life as best you can. It's that simple. It'll be hard but what other option is there?
TRY to enjoy yourselves on your vacation.
I *personally* wouldn't give money to her. Not trying to sound like dick but unless you're sure you're going to stay with her then you're likely never going to see that money again...it's wasted for you. If you have exta money and want to give her some that's a very noble and generous thing. If you don't then don't be a dumbass and give her money you can't afford.
3 months is way to early to give her any money. I dont think id give me girlfriend of over a year more then a few dollars.
I've heard some guys have to give their "girlfriends" $50 each time they see them. More if they want them to sleep over.
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just a little update on the story, and a little bit more about why i'm growing to resent my parents:
Michelle's family is originally from Taunton after work, and leaving it for the weekend. He's a friend of the family, so it should hopefully cost her less to have it fixed. Her house is about a half hour south of me, so its an 1.25 hours from , where her car is.
The original plan was that she was going to sleep over Tonight so we could leave early in the morning, and again on Monday when we get in from FL, because it would be late and her job is a lot closer to my house than hers. Mom and dad said it wouldn't be a problem.
I just called my mom to let her know what happened, and that i had to go pick up my gf in
Mom: “Well, what she going to do on Monday? Are her parents going to pick her up?”
me: “No, she’s sleeping here. Didn’t you say that’s ok last night?”
mom: “Yes, but that was when her car was going to be here. Shouldn’t her parents pick her up from the airport and take her to get her car?”
This, of course, turned into an argument about how her parents live 1.5 from where her car will be, plus her mom is taking care of her dad with his messed up leg that he just had surgery on. She starts giving me attitude about how THEY would be a lot more involved and do this that and the other thing and how it shouldn’t be my responsibility blah blah blah. I tell her calmly and as politely as I can that I think she’s being very rude and mean. The pestering from my mom continues.
Finally, she asks why she’s taking her car all the way up there to get fixed anyways (after I’d already told her three times that the mechanic is a friend of the family who’ll give her a deal) so I blurt out, “Because it’ll be cheaper for her and she’s poor!” My mom says “bye” and just hangs up.
I need to fucking move out.
Sorry for all this – I just really needed to vent this episode. Thanks again.
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Sorry, Chris, busted for time here so can't respond more than to say I hope you guys have a great time. You should both try to forget about your troubles for the weekend, just kick back and enjoy the experience. Worry about life's troubles again on Monday ... that's what Monday's are for.
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I just want to express my sincere gratitude at all the words of support and wisdom you've provided me today. All of you have helped me gain a more realistic perspective, and helped me realize that things aren't as bad as I'd feared.
Threads like this are the reason why JP's forum is, hands down, the best god damn forum on the net. Thanks again, and I hope you all have an excellent weekend. My plane leaves at 7 am. See you Tuesday
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It's late in the game but I just got in from school and I'm freaking exhausted.
Breakup? Over this? Nah. Don't consider it a test of her, consider it a test of you. This is nothing compared to what will happen in later life, like when a car drives through your front door or your spousal unit totals the car you just paid off.
If her driving is constantly scary (like someone I know) then wait until this blows over and suggest driving school. My ex had this idea that if she was tailgating someone and they stopped short it was THEIR fault. Or if she was driving down the road and someone merged into her lane it was THEIR fault. Hell, if she hit a concrete curb in a bank parking lot that was a good 14" high and it wasn't her fault. Talking to her about this is going to be difficult as people don't like to hear about their driving skills. Tailgating and driving like a moran is a ticket to an early grave. BMW has driving classes (I took one for my M5), they're worth the money. In the end she's gonna have to take a deep breath and slow down. Totalling a car just to make some some asshat doesn't cut you off isn't worth it.
Since it's too late to cancel the trip enjoy it. A few years ago the ex lost her job. Vacation was coming up, I had already paid for it and all. We could have cancelled it but I was going hell or high water. We went, for the first few hours it was a bitchfest. Finally I pulled over and told her that this is vacation. There is no work (ok, beside my cell phone). You have 30 minutes per day to talk about work, after that put a sock in it. She didn't say anything for another 7 hours but later she said she was sorry. I accepted it but didn't say anything else.
Money. If you're feeling generous you could float her a bit on the trip. I dated someone one, after 4 months her car died. She didn't have the funds so I paid for her brake job. She eventually paid me back but I didn't push it. I did it because she was in a bad place at the time and it was all I could do to help. If the car is semi ok she can drive it a while.
Home. It's their house, they're your folks. Mine do some odd crap but I cut them slack and ignore it. Silverware? Dude, I once put a spoon in the dishwasher. Mom came behind me to check and went nuts. The spoon wasn't just a spoon, it was old and was made by a woman and was worth 4k (for a damn serving spoon). After that I just rinsed stuff off and let her deal with it. Dad, like Lost's dad, could give a damn. The only time he has any emotion is if DC United wins or the blues are running. As you get older the behavior find amusing you'll probably repeat, too.
need some personal advice
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