I received this in the email and the jokes were attributed to George Carlin. Actually they are all from Bill Maher. I'm posting it in this forum so people know they are jokes. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]
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New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
that whole thing is brilliant. And the thing about baby ages really genuinely pisses me off. I hate the whole "my baby is 17 months old" line. No, your baby is one and a half fucking years old jackass. Don't make me do math at 10 a.m. on a saturday!
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My fav is the Starbucks. I've been stuck behind many of those A-holes.
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It's too funny. In fancy-ass Brookline, the few times I actually stop by a Starbucks, the person behind the counter often gives me a 2 second stare when I order a "small regular coffee". I guess they're either waiting for more instructions and ingredients, or they need me to say their fancy word for "small". Hell, I usually go to Dunkin Donuts anyway. The one right around the corner from my work actually has good coffee.
Oh, and I fully agree with the competitive eating and tv-t-movie ones. Both of those disgust me.
I ask for the LARGE COFFEE.
The guy always looks at me, puzzled. "You mean the Grande?"
"No, thanks, the large."
"What kind of coffee, sir?" The sir is always a little strained, because I won't play by his rules.
"Black."
Starbucks typically has 2 black coffees on tap so I can see them struggling with what you ask.
Remember they are working a shit job and you guys not playing by their "rules" just make the job that much harder. You say large and hey maybe you won't be the dick who complains when they give you the largest one, but trust me. Some asshole will walk in, order a large, and again say NO, a LARGE when they ask if he means grande. When they give him the venti since he just said no to their "medium" he complains up a storm.
Don't be dicks to the guys behind the counter, they are trying to do a job and have to put up with way more assholes than you do, unless you work retail as well.
Or at least try to remeber they don't set the rules and they don't set the prices.
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I ask for the LARGE COFFEE.
The guy always looks at me, puzzled. "You mean the Grande?"
"No, thanks, the large."
"What kind of coffee, sir?" The sir is always a little strained, because I won't play by his rules.
"Black."
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New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Get out of the damned express line. Sorry if you never learned to count, but 4 twinkies, 2 packs of cigarettes, 5 candy bars and a coke do not equal 10.
New Rule: Learn that there are more people on the planet than just you. When you are in a line, occasionally look behind you and notice the number of people who want to kill your ass because all they want to do is cash their paycheck and you decide to have the bank teller help you balance your checkbook on a Friday afternoon.
New Rule: Fat asses in motorized chairs do not have the right of way. Just because you can't control your eating habits and can't get around does not mean that the rest of us are required to move out of your way. And while you're at it, try not to park that fucking thing right in front of a display that others are looking at.
New Rule: Idiots are required to know their colors. That little blue light on your dashboard is not there for decoration. It lets you know when you are fucking blinding the person you are following and should be turned off because, as you may not know, it is connected to your high beams, moron.
New Rule: Being overly busy with your kids is not a sign of status. Just because little Austin and Alyssa have hockey practice on Saturday morning before going horseback riding for a birthday party and then Alyssa has dance at the same time Austin has a soccer game and then later you all are going to skiing at a friends on Sunday and the kids will have snowboarding lessons but you have to be back Sunday night because Austin has a hockey game and of course they have homework but they'll probably do that in the car it does not mean you are a good parent. You're a psycho who's kids will end up being pot-heads by the time they're fifteen and hate you forever.
New Rule: Learn that there are more people on the planet than just you. When you are in a line, occasionally look behind you and notice the number of people who want to kill your ass because all they want to do is cash their paycheck and you decide to have the bank teller help you balance your checkbook on a Friday afternoon.
Mahler
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Good ones, John.
And to expand on one of my pet peeves....
New Rule: If you are in a store buying something and you're you're going to write a check, fill out everything else while you're waiting for the total. If you wait until you get the total to begin, everybody else in line should take a turn bitch-slapping you. And take your damn cart with you.
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New Rule: Idiots are required to know their colors. That little blue light on your dashboard is not there for decoration. It lets you know when you are fucking blinding the person you are following and should be turned off because, as you may not know, it is connected to your high beams, moron.
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how do you guys feel about hitting the brakes a little hard or slowing down to a very slow speed when the person behind you is high-beaming you?
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how do you guys feel about hitting the brakes a little hard or slowing down to a very slow speed when the person behind you is high-beaming you?
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New Rule: Idiots are required to know their colors. That little blue light on your dashboard is not there for decoration. It lets you know when you are fucking blinding the person you are following and should be turned off because, as you may not know, it is connected to your high beams, moron.
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how do you guys feel about hitting the brakes a little hard or slowing down to a very slow speed when the person behind you is high-beaming you?
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Not really a safe move, Chris. The better option is to pull over and let him go. Slowing down just will get the guy more riled and likely to do something even more stupid. To pull over goes against the grain but it really is the safer option for you.
It's the BC Bud, man. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
In all seriousness, I've done a fair amount of driver safety training through work and the consistent message is that you have little or no control over what others do on the road. Your aim should be to make the situation as safe as possible for you, so that in the end you arrive at your destination in one piece. I have three kids and a wife who love me and want to see me at the end of each day. I'm not prepared to let some asshole with road rage make that not happen. Plain and simple.
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It's the BC Bud, man. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
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Is that sort of like 'The OC'? [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
All kidding aside, I had some jerk road rage around me a few weeks ago. I think that he thought that another car had cut him off making a lane change. This guy was clearly not in control of his temper. This guy came very close to crashing into a bunch of cars stopped at a light. After he locked up his brakes up, slid sideways, and damn dear caused a big mess, I could see the baby seat in the rear seat. What an asshole.....
I know it's the natural temptation to slow down and try to piss him (or her) off more, but it really isn't worth the risk.
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It's the BC Bud, man. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]
In all seriousness, I've done a fair amount of driver safety training through work and the consistent message is that you have little or no control over what others do on the road. Your aim should be to make the situation as safe as possible for you, so that in the end you arrive at your destination in one piece. I have three kids and a wife who love me and want to see me at the end of each day. I'm not prepared to let some asshole with road rage make that not happen. Plain and simple.
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My solution is to pull to the side and let him pass.
Then speed up, perform the PIT manuever, and let him see me give him the finger as he spins out of control.
I have one
New Rule:Lights and sirens behind, in front or beside you mean pull the f*** over!! It could be your loved one who is injuried, your house thats on fire or your best friend that has had the crap kicked outta em. So get out of the damn way.
New Rules
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