Gym Wars!

[kuri]

(Hilarious story from my local paper)

"Call it the Simi Valley dumbbell wars.

During the past week, local police have cited the owner of 24-Hour Workout on suspicion of pushing the owner of LA Workout to the ground. But wait, there's more.

The scuffle started when 24-Hour Workout's owner, Steve Seely, drove his pickup truck with a large, brightly lighted billboard and parked in front of LA Workout.

That came after LA Workout moved from the city's east end in October to its current spot on Cochran Street, and Seely took over its former space at Yosemite and Los Angeles avenues. Then LA Workout fliers popped up on 24-Hour's walls, and LA employees accused 24-Hour workers of bad-mouthing their business, Seely said.

One of LA's salespeople even told him, "You guys better knock that off or there's going to be a gym war," Seely said.

So Seely's crew put fliers on LA's front windows. And the muscling continued.

After Friday night's shoving incident, someone threw a rock through LA's front window. They tried to heave a second one through an adjacent window, but it only left a mark. The thrower clearly has not been pumping enough iron.

Seely swears the whole thing was just aggressive advertising, including the fliers he left at LA's door, where he wrote, "It will never end!" and signed his name. He said he never figured the testosterone would reach such vein-popping levels.

LA's owner, Grant Pierce, used an expletive that can't be printed to describe his rival. And he said the whole spat "reminds me of high school." Apparently he thinks it's slightly more mature than does Seely, who said, "It's like kindergarten."

And the police are less than amused. Sgt. Joe May, the department's spokesman, said the whole situation was childish.

"It borders on, 'Don't you guys have anything better to do?'" he said. "I can think of more profitable ways to spend my time."

The push occurred about 7 p.m. Friday. Pierce, 34, said he confronted Seely, 43, when he saw the billboard, which Seely said "lit up their lobby" it was so bright.

He did it "just to mess with them," Seely said. "It was really a game still at this point."

The two apparently exchanged middle-finger gestures and other unpleasantries, then Seely said he challenged Pierce by saying, "I bet you don't have the nerve to stick that finger in my face."

So Pierce, at 5-foot-8 and 145 pounds, did. When Seely, at 5-9, 225, got up from his seat in the truck, Pierce fell backward -- or Seely pushed him, depending on who you ask.

"I did not push him. I wouldn't push him. Why would I do that?" Seely said. "All we're doing is advertising. I don't fight with anybody. That's stupid."

Both requested citizen's arrests against the other. Seely turned himself in and was cited. The only reason Pierce avoided the law was that Seely didn't stick around to fill out the proper paperwork.

The "rock-throwing caper," as May called it, occurred a few hours later when LA Workout was closed. There are no suspects.

Now Seely faces a Feb. 23 arraignment, although prosecutors haven't decided whether to file the misdemeanor battery charges. If convicted, he could get up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

In the meantime, perhaps the two can work out their differences.