Lou, your blog is STILL down? What is up with that? Let's just store your blog on my new platform (you won't have to change your URL) since we know it's stable.
Beginning today, Kansas City Star columnist Joe Posnanski appears in Star Magazine. His sports columns will continue to appear in Sports Daily. Posnanski replaces Gene Weingarten, who had replaced Dave Barry earlier this year.
A few weeks ago, while slogging happily through the usual heap of Cialis ads and adamant invitations from married women, I came across an e-mail from a man named Adam Campbell. He said Sylvester Stallone wanted me to write a column for him.
At first I figured Adam Campbell was just another Nigerian Prince trying to deposit millions in my bank account. It turns out that Adam Campbell is a real person, an award-winning editor at Men's Health and Men's Fitness — I didn't know there was a difference. And it turns out that Sly really did want a column for his new magazine.
It's big these days for celebrities to have their own magazines. Oprah, of course, started the trend because Oprah starts every trend. So Sly started his own magazine, which he named … Sly. He wanted a magazine to inspire middle-aged men to “stay in the game after 40.” The first issue's cover featured two inspiring photographs of Stallone, one with a shirt, one without. If that wasn't enough inspiration, a headline promised to escort the reader onto a filming set with porn star Jenna Jameson.
“Sly is upset about all the records being broken in sports,” Adam explained. “Sly believes that isn't fair because today's athlete has so many advantages that yesterday's athlete did not have. Sly is wondering if this upsets you and if you might like to write something about this for Sly. Sly thinks this is perfect for you.”
It's funny, whenever Adam said “Sly,” I was never sure if he meant Stallone or the magazine. I told Adam that if the breaking of records had Sly upset, well, it upset me too. I have seen each of the Rocky movies at least as many times as the corresponding Roman numeral. I also saw “Oscar.” I also saw “Rhinestone.”
If something bugs Sylvester Stallone, it bugs me.
So, I wrote the column for Sly. It had lots of outrage in it and also a few words like “Yo.” Adam said that he liked it and thanked me, and that was that. I called my parents and told them that I had written a column for Sylvester Stallone, which excited them enough to momentarily turn down the volume on “Jeopardy!” I guessed that was that.
The next day the phone rang.
“Um,” Adam said. “Sly had a couple of concerns about your column.”
“Sly? Concerns?”
“Yeah,” Adam said. He was stuttering. I had never heard Adam stuttering. Apparently he had never before been asked to pass down editing tips from Rocky Balboa.
“Um, well,” Adam said, “I guess it comes down to this: Sly doesn't think you're angry enough.
OK. Now, others have said I need more anger. I don't send back undercooked steaks, for instance. I check my work e-mail on vacation. None of those others, however, played Rambo.
Adam was quick to say said that Sly liked the column — editors always say this — it just needed more rage, more fury, more …
“Would he like me to add a few swear words and exclamation points?” I asked.
Adam thought for a moment.
“Yes,” he said.
For Sly, I worked myself into a rage about this sports record business. Forget the plight of the migrant worker; this was NOT RIGHT, all these sports records being broken by steroided-up athletes with their high-tech shoes and aerodynamic body suits and space-aged golf balls and all that. It enraged me. Veins bulged in my neck. My skin turned green. I typed so hard the “S” key popped off the keyboard.
Adam called the next day saying that this was angry enough for Sly Stallone.
And then it occurred to me that I really needed to talk to Sly. The anger liberated me. I hung up on a lady trying to sell me a Branson vacation. I cut off a jerk trying to beat traffic in the construction lane. It was good. I told Adam I really wanted to talk to Sly and talk about my own anger deficiencies.
Adam called back. Absolutely not, Sly said, and a conversation followed.
Sly: He wants to get back at me.
Adam: No, I think …
Sly: I tested his manhood. He wants to get me.
Adam: No, I don't think he feels like you tested …
Sly: Oh yeah, I tested his manhood. I know guys like this. I made him feel weak. I've been dealing with this all my life. People can't measure up to me. I tested his manhood.
Adam: Um, OK, I'll pass it along.
Adam doesn't work for Sly magazine anymore. He has no comment about his time there. And it seems clear that I won't ever work for Sylvester Stallone again, which is a shame because I think I've developed some good anger techniques.
For instance, I might tell Sly to go $*?@!%$#!
To reach Joe Posnanski, call (816) 234-4361 or send e-mail to jposnanski @kcstar.com.
__________________
Quoth David Banner: "Like a pimp"
It's not a beer belly. It's a gas tank for a sex machine.
JP, a server change is under serious discussion. The problem is the money -- I've already gone over my budget for the site this year, and if I move to a new server, that'll take care of next year's budget as well.
But, with every day, it's looking more like I have a choice of spending the money and having a site, or not spending the money and not having a site. The money I've already spent isn't doing me any good right now.
Originally posted by Lou Schuler: JP, a server change is under serious discussion. The problem is the money -- I've already gone over my budget for the site this year, and if I move to a new server, that'll take care of next year's budget as well.
But, with every day, it's looking more like I have a choice of spending the money and having a site, or not spending the money and not having a site. The money I've already spent isn't doing me any good right now.
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