I was wondering if any one had an idea how you know if your suffering from depression? 3 yrs ago I lost my daughter at 7 mos...And recently I have started to cry and stuff looking at her picture..I have been really blue as of late as well as irritable..When I lost her I also lost emotions..I didnt cry at all and now I am..Should I go see a doctor..Any help would be appreciated.. Thanx
Chad,
You are beyond the shadow of a doubt, suffering from depression in my opinion (not professional), and for a good reason. As a parent, my heart aches for you when I read this.
I know a little about grieving, although I have never lost a child, and I am pretty sure that what you did at first, going numb as it were, and not showing or even feeling any emotion, is VERY natural. Not only that, I would wager that it might be essential. I cannot fathom how anyone could have something like this happen and survive the pain of it. I think that we HAVE to go numb for our very survival. And grieving isn't on a schedule. No two people will grieve alike.
You are now beginning to show emotion, and you say you can't control it. This may also be a good thing. You have been carrying this around for a while. You can only hold off emotion from grief like that for so long before it finally forces itself to the surface. If you tried to be strong and keep it down, it would manifest itself in some other way, like illness, or physical problems, eventually leading to a complete breakdown. If you are strong enough to deal with it now, let it come. Don't let it start to effect your health any more than it has.
I can understand your pain though... just the thought of my children experiencing pain, let alone dying, causes me tangible, physical pain in my chest. No parent should ever have to out-live their children.
I wish I could offer you some real advice other than empathizing with you. My best friend in HS lost his little sister to illness when she was 7, and it tore him apart. His mother channeled her grieving energy into researching the grieving process, and wrote a book about it. I wish I could remember the title, because it would be a good book to read right now. Maybe that would help you... try finding books about grieving. Not only will you confirm that you are not abnormal in the way you are dealing with it, they may offer actual suggestions or give you exercises that can help you find closure. Not that there will ever be a time where this memory doesn't hurt. Maybe you can figure out a way to turn your hurt into something positive for other parents going through the same thing.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, have you considered actually meeting with a mental health professional or finding a support group of other parents who've lost children? Therapy may not have been appropriate before because you were in "numb survival mode," but now that you are becoming more open to dealing with the pain, a professional can really help guide you through the proccess. A group therapy session with other parents in your situation would be great for you. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. That child was a piece of you, and when she died, a piece of you died with her. Treasure her memory, and honor it by taking care of her daddy. He still has a lot of living left!
I hope you do get some help and get through this. For what it is worth, my thoughts are with you. I'll send some positive energy your way!
My hear goes out to you. I almost didn't reply to this because it is such a personal situation, but I did go through a time when I lost a loved one. At first I tried to hold back the emotion and hoped that the hurt would dissapear. I'm one of those people that never want's another see me cry.
I never talked about it, until one evening I was sitting with my girfriend and I broke down. I openly discussed my feelings and it was like a weight was lifted.
Now I focus all of my memories on good ones. I look back and smile on the time we had together. I know everyone handles situations differently but the only suggestion that I can make is what worked for me. Talk openly to someone about your feelings.
My prayers are with you.
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Men are born to succeed--not to fail.
Location: Chicago, IL USA, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way
Posts: 30
Hi Chad,
First, I offer you my sympathy and condolences. I feel for you, brother. I don't know quite what your pain is like, because I have not lost a child, but I have lost loved ones who are dear to me. It is painful, but sometimes, we don't experience all that pain right away.
Having struggled with depression for quite a few years myself, I also know that depression can be particularly difficult for men. We try to be strong and tough, but we can tell something is not right.
I have started a Web site for men who are suffering from depression. We have a great group of guys there and I hope you will join us.
There is a particularly helpful article by Thich Nhat Hanh that I have read recently. It is a short excerpt from his recent book, No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life (New York: Riverhead Books, 2002).
Finally, to answer your questions, yes, I have no doubt you're suffering from depression. I am not a doctor, but I encourage you to see one. The decision to seek medical treatment for depression can be a difficult first step, but it can help you so much. If you have a regular family doctor whom you work with, please talk to him or her. That doctor may treat you, or may refer you to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who can help you, depending on whether the doctor recommends any medication.
Best wishes and healing energy to you, Chad.
Be well and I hope you find peace.
May you live in safety.
May you be healthy.
May you be happy.
May you live with ease.
Steve
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Steve
May all beings live in safety, be happy, healthy, and prosperous, and live with ease. http://www.lawyerboxer.com
Hey guys thankx for the support. I am going to have my aunt schedule me appointment to see a doctor. See if I need medication and stuff. I would but I am busy with work and my daily workout..need sleep too. Again thankx for giving the time to reply
I'm awfully sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what that pain must be like. Last year I lost my grandmother, who was more like a mother to me than anything else. I know that I have not yet completed the grieving process and I have suffered from severe depression before as well. The two coupled together can really wreak havoc on your life.
The suggestions you've been given are all good ones. And, I'm encouraged that you have decided to follow through with seeing a medical professional. They can really help you through this difficult time. One piece of advice, though, is that you need to keep an open mind about seeing someone. They can only help as far as you're willing to give. It will be hard. There will be days that you'd rather not go, but you need to keep plowing ahead.
My aunt is a Family Counselor and she has been a great help for me. Something she told me still sticks in my mind. She advised me that men do tend to struggle with the grieving process longer than women do. When losing a loved one, especially a child, a father may take as long as 3-5 years to really come to grips with the loss. But, you'll get through it. You just need to give it time and be patient.
We're around if you need someone to talk to. I wish you the best of luck.
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Gifted SmartAss Master Class Graduate
Chad,
My deepest sympathies...
My nephew (ironically named Chad) killed himself 6 months ago. Based on the grief I feel for him I can't imagine what you are going thru. The advise to see a counselor is good, Chads parents are doing that and it is helping a great deal.
The last 2 days have been very hard for me as they have just placed his headstone and it seems so...real & final, I guess.
You need to talk to someone. I know my emotions are right on the surface, yours must be also. Go with your feeling, if you've got to cry, do it. Its gonna help. You need to greive for your child, to get it out. Anyone who has ever loved a child will try to understand what you're going thru (unless they have been in your shoes, they can't understand)
Good luck!
Alan
hi my name is matt and i am 14 i to have depression i havent lost a daughter but my mom is addicted to alcohal my dad has a major anger problem and when i was 5 i was thrown threw a window which makes me worry about everything.
what i did was i saw a doctor and he gave me medicine. it took me a long time to find the right one because i got reactions to them like bathroom problems head aches sleepy all the time and just not wanting to do anything. but now i have found the one that works and it seems the help.
i think it is great that you are going to the doctor it can really help
Chad: You have my sympathies on you loss, and my good thoughts and prayers as well.
You are certainly still in a grieving process. The good news, if you will, is that it is not necessarily depression. You likely don't need medication, thought some counsel could help, since it is some painful grieving. In any case, talk to the professional, and even a different one, and even a different one (again), if that doesn't quite click.
Chad - I lost a son and remained strong for my wife's sake. I never shed a single tear. A year later I was dealing with severe stomach problems. I couldn't even drive a car because I was so doubled over with the pain.
Emotional expression is a blessing. Like JP said...if you can let these feelings out then you should. Grieving without harming anyone including yourself is a good thing.
I ...on the other hand...was too manly to let them out and they ate me up. I learned the hard way that bottling up what we feel is not healthy.
I'm a Christian...so I thought asking anyone but God for help was a lock of faith or something....WRONG.
Things got really bad at home...I became so angry most of the time that I bagan to lash out at my kids. When that happened..it scared me. I went straight to the doctor and told him what was going on. He gave me some drugs which I stayed on for like a year and they helped. I've been off em for several years now...but I don't regret having done it. It was a bit embarrassing but my family is worth it to me.
Don't be too tough to ask for help. Grief can whoop you man.
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