That's it, I am throwing in the towel. I officially give up on being happy. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try, no matter how close to getting outta this fucking pit I get something comes and shoves me back down the side.
One thing after another, for as long as I can remember. I get knocked down, I tell myself to get back up, "Everyone has hard times, you just have to fight through it." and I do. I get back on my feet and keep reaching for that little bright spot in the distance and something else happens. In the past two years I have been through a layoff, unemployment for 9 months with no EI because the gov'n are fucking asshats, sunk into massive debt because of it but I pulled myself up, I got back to my feet and got a couple jobs. Slowly starting to build back my life, my self-image, and try to be happy. Just as things are going good, I am starting to re-set long term goals, picturing a happy life my GF of 8 years leaves me for some douchebag.
Back into that pit of despair I go, but again, I try to put it behind me. "I have to move on!" I tell myself repeatedly and it begins to take hold, I grab my life back and try to turn things around, and once again, when I start to feel a glimmer; an inkling of happiness some motherfucker steals my $500 bicycle from the college while I am working.
So I officially give up, I am tired of trying, I am broken mentally, physically, and any other way possible. I don't see the point anymore. I might as well accept it that I am not going to have anything more then fleeting moments of happiness amid constant darkness, disappointment, and anger.
I am so goddamn angry, hurt, sad, depressed, right now. Emotions are coming over me in waves, changing rapidly. I want to scream, cry, punch a hole in a wall (or someone's head) all at the same time. I can't even think straight right now, I can feel my pulse pounding. I cannot recall the last time I haven't felt like shit, I haven't simply dreaded the next thing that was going to be dumped on me. It seems the only thing I have to look forward to in this life is more pain.
I better stop this now, it is just making me angrier. I just want to add this one last thing. I was raised catholic, I was taught about God and his "Divine Plan for us all" so with that in mind I would just like to say....
FUCK YOU GOD!
TAKE YOUR DIVINE PLAN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
I am really so sorry to hear about all the downers in your life. My parents house (3 doors down from me) was broken into last night, so I totally get the violation that you're feeling right now about your bike. I have lots of encouraging things to say, but it doesn't sound like you want (or need) to hear any of them...but when you are ready to move on you just let me know and I'll let 'em rip! Today, just know that you have friends that are thinking about you and sending you good vibes.
About your anger towards God, I would say let Him have it...he's big enough to handle it. And when you're finished raging and being angry, don't walk away (as your GF did to you) maybe you could try just being quiet for a time and see what comes to your heart. Okay, that was a teeny tiny bit of advice, sorry, I couldn't resist.
Let me say that I'm sorry that you are feeling down now. I do hope that your life turns around and you find some happiness. Until then, please please try to get some help, from someone, a family member or professional.
That being said, I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do, invoke the proverb that you should count your blessings, not your problems. Yeah, I understand you have a lot of problems. So do these people:
You could live in Iraq, where you don't know if you can walk across the street without being killed.
I was a lot like you - angry, always looking at the setbacks in my life. Then I met my former next door neighbor. My former next door neighbor died of cancer last year. 15 years after she was diagnosed, which was 1 year after her husband died, 10 years after they said she should be dead from the cancer. 9 years after they amputated both her legs, leaving her in a wheelchair. 6 years after they took out her intestines and put her on a colostomy bag. 4 years after they said she was terminal and put her on morphine to ease the pain. 3 years after they cut off the morphine supply because she was still alive, leaving her 3 years of excruciating pain to suffer through before she finally died.
You lost your job, someone took your g/f and your bike. You are still able to eat, have your limbs, your mobility, your health, and your sanity. You live in a peaceful country. You have internet access and people here who are going to commiserate with you.
Even though you are mad at God, I'll pray for you.
And even though you're mad at God I still think it would be a good idea to talk to a priest.
And a mental health professional because we want the best for you.
And you know what some times even I have to tell myself what our professor told us at the University of Iowa: Just keep on showing up.
You have the strenth to live every day, one day at a time.
Now that I have had a good nights sleep, I am able to think a little clearer. I know all of you are right, things could be much worse and in the greater scheme of things I do have it pretty good still. I try to tell myself that but you know, sometimes it just doesn't seem to matter when it still hurts this bad. Oh, and I just wanted to say that if I offended anyone with the "F God" at the end of my first post, I apologize.
I guess the true problem is I am not as over my ex as I thought I was and not really having anyone around to talk/vent to about it doesn't help much either. Most of my friends are/were mutual friends so I don't really feel I can confide in them and nor do I want to put them in that awkward position. With that in mind I am just going to go off about it here so consider this fair warning that if you don't want to read it or don't care then you can just stop reading now, the rest of the post may contain rambling and my thoughts may jump all over the place.
My biggest realization of late is how easily she seems to have moved on, I think that is the one thing that hurts the most. It is almost like the last 8 years have meant nothing to her, which in a way invalidates and cheapens everything I thought we shared together. I can't even think about it without the feeling of something grabbing my heart and just squeezing it tight. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (for that I should probably consider myself lucky but at the moment I don't feel so lucky). I am so confused, I am not even sure what I want to feel. The one thing I do know is that I hate him and should he cross my path I am actually afraid of what I might do. I know I shouldn't hate him, I am just displacing the hurt and anger onto him because I don't want to hate her, I know all this, but I can't stop the thoughts, the hatred. I have to move on, I can't keep dwelling on this, I can't let this control my life. I have actually had classmates in the last 2 days actually come up and ask me if I was ok and tell me I looked pissed off. I didn't feel pissed off, at the time in class I was feeling pretty ok. Is the anger so great that it is starting to show subconsciously? I should probably get help, I know there is a history of depression in my family, but I can barely afford my bills as it is, psychiatry is out of the question. I know what my problems are, I just need to be strong enough to get passed them. I can't let them control my life anymore. Just get up every day, you are better then these emotions, tell yourself that, don't allow yourself if to be sidetracked by bad thoughts.
Ok, I am feeling a little clearer, a little calmer now. That is a wall of text, I apologize.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
I have actually had classmates in the last 2 days actually come up and ask me if I was ok and tell me I looked pissed off. I didn't feel pissed off, at the time in class I was feeling pretty ok. Is the anger so great that it is starting to show subconsciously?
Anger and depression often go hand in hand; that's what my old therapist used to say. Your classmates can see it on your face, that's how obvious it is.
Acknowledge to yourself that your anger is a natural response and that it's not going away soon. Then go find someone professional to talk to about this. It's not a matter of "strength," unless you're talking about having the strength to be open about how you feel so that someone can help you sort things out.
Don't fool yourself into thinking that you're "better than your emotions." Your feelings are your children, in a way. You think you're better than your kids??
I've had experiences similar to yours (such as you've described them here), and had to deal with them for a long time, as you have. That last thing I was willing to listen to from people was that things would get better, but they did anyway. They will get better for you as well.
Here's something that I wish someone had told me years ago: Try to be a friend to yourself. Try to like yourself enough to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Get sleep. Eat well. Lift heavy stuff. And talk to someone.
I don't think you find happiness after a search. I think you find happiness when you allow yourself to see it. And of course you're not always happy, that'd be irritating to everyone else in the world.
And while it's useful to acknowledge that others may have it worse, it doesn't invalidate your own suffering.
I don't think that getting new cats a month after our beloved mousie died means that we somehow invalidated and cheapened the 7-8 years we had with her. People react differently to loss. Have different mourning/grieving times. Vary in how they recover and move on.
Even if your relationship was somehow less to her, it doesn't mean anything now, especially about you. It is about her.
Even mild depression is bad to go completely alone. (Says one who didn't realize the problem till it was no longer a problem.) Keep someone to talk to. Here, in real life, someone you pay or don't... You need the outlet to get thoughts out, rather than just holding them in an ever looping self-dialog that makes it tough to move on. Saying things, writing things, somehow getting them out... it slowly helps to dissipate the crap to more manageable levels and lets you move on.
Have a pet? Kittehz and doggiez can provide much needed fun, love, and distraction.
There is likely a safe escape route. At this point it is fair to take advantage of family, friends, whatever counseling services are available at your college. Put up a note your bike is stolen, describe it, ask if anyone is giving a bike away. If you were within driving distance I have a couple that would do for a while.
easier said than done - but here is one thing to consider:
Thoughts will come into your head, like airplanes that fly over head. You don't have to give them a runway to land and disembark all the passengers.
Thoughts will come into your head like a door-to-door salesman comes to the door. You can say "go away, not interested". If not that, you can put a chain on the door, take a peak and then slam the door again. You don't have to let him in and feed him milk & cookies and then buy everything in his sample case.
you can stop the dwelling on the thoughts, the entertainment and embracing and expansion of them, the constant remembrance and recitation of wrongs, the endless looping, the endless imagined conversations and fights -- if you have to, do something else with your brain ... conjugate verbs in a foreign language, work calculus problems in your head, whatever is incompatible with dwelling/embracing/wallowing
I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone that has posted and even those that haven't, those that may not have even read this thread but have helped make this such a great, mature community. When I awoke this morning and remembered I had made this post I can honestly say I felt a brief moment of dread at the thought of what type of replies I may have received. Then I remembered I had posted here and that this community is much more embracing and mature then any I have ever been a part of in all my years online.
I know everything you guys have said is true, and I will get passed it. Last night was just a severe moment of weakness. I have a bad habit of being very closed off to everyone but the 1-2 people that are close to me and now that the 1 person that was closer then anyone has hurt me this bad it is going to be a while before I can let someone else in. All this leads to these moments such as last night where all the negative emotions can no longer be held back and come roaring out, usually in the form of anger.
Quote:
the constant remembrance and recitation of wrongs, the endless looping, the endless imagined conversations and fights
Quote:
You need the outlet to get thoughts out, rather than just holding them in an ever looping self-dialog that makes it tough to move on
That is exactly what I do, and is what leads to situations like these. I definitely feel that I need to change to a more positive outlook and stop focusing on the negatives. Truth be told, I am pissed about losing my bike, but not as much as I would have thought. It is more about the fact that this is the second time it has happened to me in this damn city (and yes the bikes are locked up at the time lol), and the fact that something like this usually happens within a couple days of me actually acknowledging some positive or happy feeling (on Tuesday I had finally found a Gym that I could afford and was going to go today and sign up and get back into working out).
So once, again, thank you to everyone, if for nothing else but letting me get some major things out (they seem kind of stupid and insignificant when I read them after typing it up, but in my head they seem so massive) and not tearing me a new one for it.
*Edit*
Quote:
Have a pet? Kittehz and doggiez can provide much needed fun, love, and distraction.
I/we had a cat, his name is Molson. I couldn't take him when I moved out because the place I moved to is a shared housing situation (me and 5 roommates) so there wasn't pets allowed. She also couldn't take him when she moved so he is now staying with her cousin's family back in our hometown.
Here is a pic of Mols, I miss him so much, he was my suck lol
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
I know everything you guys have said is true, and I will get passed it. Last night was just a severe moment of weakness. I have a bad habit of being very closed off to everyone but the 1-2 people that are close to me and now that the 1 person that was closer then anyone has hurt me this bad it is going to be a while before I can let someone else in. All this leads to these moments such as last night where all the negative emotions can no longer be held back and come roaring out, usually in the form of anger.
..........
So once, again, thank you to everyone, if for nothing else but letting me get some major things out (they seem kind of stupid and insignificant when I read them after typing it up, but in my head they seem so massive) and not tearing me a new one for it.
Always remember that while your feelings are powerful and sometimes the source of your greatest strength, they can also trap you away from the here and now. The nights are still cool, the sun is still warm, the world is still going to turn and such things are only happy things.
I had my heart broken a month and a half ago by a girl who told me that she loved me, but that the extra effort it would take to make long distance work 'probably' wouldn't have helped. The best thing I did for myself to help get over it (not that I'm completely over it now) was to write it out. Put down all your thoughts somewhere by free writing. Going back to it days later shows you the progress you've made. It is the mental form of looking in a mirror to see gym progress.
I'm sure you're going to be fine, but don't apologize for putting it all out here. Part of what is so special about this place is that everyone is so supportive of everyone else and I think this post proves it.
So once, again, thank you to everyone, if for nothing else but letting me get some major things out (they seem kind of stupid and insignificant when I read them after typing it up, but in my head they seem so massive) and not tearing me a new one for it.
Because inside, they are. Everything in your head is important. Everything. And it's all equally important, and urgent and must be done. Or so your brain thinks.
By putting things down somewhere, you gain what you can't in your head. Perspective. Hierarchy. Understanding. Layers.
It's like organization. If you kept every last thing you had to do in your head, it constantly loops and loops to stay there. You don't know the relative importance of things, so the fact that the garage needs cleaning is as important as the paper due tomorrow or the power bill you need to pay.
Obviously the garage isn't as important, but if you keep it in your head it feels like it. If you write out a list of all that you have to do, you can then organize it into "right now, hurry up you procrastinating dolt" and "eventually if there's nothing else in the world to do and I've got the energy for it" as well as everything in between.
So emotions, thoughts, all that crap is all the same in your head. Urgent, important, and something you strive to not forget. By writing and talking and letting crap out, you allow yourself to organize your thoughts and put them into perspective, and it helps dissipate all that noise. Then you have room in your head for other stuff, and that stuff becomes less important and urgent because your brain knows you wrote it down and dealt with it.
Sure, it doesn't go away, but slowly over time it lessens the load, esp with regard to tough emotions. It also lets you reminisce in a nicer way. You remember the good, the bad, the ugly, with distance. Time gives distance, but so does just blurting the stuff out and then leaving it for a bit. The good then reminds you that happiness is possible, the bad reminds you that the split was necessary, etc.
We may not really be able to help, but we're always here to let you vent your frustrations. And that probably does help sometimes. Anyway, we're here listening, and others who actually have good advice to give will give it! (I'll just be listening, and praying that things get better for you. )
I am starting to think posting those pics of my kitty were the worst thing I could have possibly done lol. Now, when I scroll through this thread I have to see him and be reminded of how goddamn much I miss him. I think the feeling that I abandoned him (and imagined how confused and even scared he must have been when this all went down) hurts me much deeper then anything my ex could ever do to me. I don't even care anymore about her, but thinking about Molson, still brings tears to my eyes.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
Late to the party, apparently, but glad you felt comfortable venting here. No surprise that the responses were full of warmth and wisdom. I can only offer the former.
I hope you're talking to somebody, even if not a professional. Everybody needs, and deserves, a listener.
Take care.
__________________ Megaloi -- My Blog
"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers."
- Mignon McLaughlin
Its good for you to vent and this is a good place for it.
You need to find some place for your anger and depression. I didn't until too late and it contributed to my illness and loss of my leg.
I got angry and depressed when my wife got sick (breast cancer). I tried to be a helpmate to her and stay positive but inside I was angry and fatalistic. She recovered from her cancer but I didn't recover from my anger and depression. During the whole course of the disease I cursed God and asked why she got sick when she was a good person doing good things and why not me, a not so good person trying to get criminals out of jail. I set myself up for illness by feeding my anger, self destructiveness and my depression. When I got out of the hospital, my wife left me because, in her words, "You'll never change." she got tired of me being depressed.
Now I'm trying to put things together. I could have avoided some of this if I had found a way to deal with my frustrations in a less destructive manner.
Please deal with it.
By the way, I miss my cats. Not my wife as much anymore I think because I am working hard at moving forward.
Its good for you to vent and this is a good place for it.
You need to find some place for your anger and depression. I didn't until too late and it contributed to my illness and loss of my leg.
I got angry and depressed when my wife got sick (breast cancer). I tried to be a helpmate to her and stay positive but inside I was angry and fatalistic. She recovered from her cancer but I didn't recover from my anger and depression. During the whole course of the disease I cursed God and asked why she got sick when she was a good person doing good things and why not me, a not so good person trying to get criminals out of jail. I set myself up for illness by feeding my anger, self destructiveness and my depression. When I got out of the hospital, my wife left me because, in her words, "You'll never change." she got tired of me being depressed.
Now I'm trying to put things together. I could have avoided some of this if I had found a way to deal with my frustrations in a less destructive manner.
Please deal with it.
By the way, I miss my cats. Not my wife as much anymore I think because I am working hard at moving forward.
You are entirely right about avoiding feeding the anger. I am reminded of JPs old signature about the two wolves. I couldn't remember it word for word so I did a quick google and come up with this version of it (same thing just a bit longer)
Quote:
An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life . . .
He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."
They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"
The Elder simply replied, "The one you feed."
I begun to find outlets for my frustrations, some of which include continued posting in this thread. I still don't really have anyone I can talk to personally about things but in a way I don't even know if I could. It is much easier to type them here or simply type/write them up to get the thoughts out and delete them after I see how silly most of them really are.
I would like to provide this advanced warning, I may continue to use this thread to vent. If I do I will post it in a white font, that way, you don't have to read it, and if you really want to (out of morbid curiosity?) you can simply highlight the text.
I have a question also for some of you that have had to deal with anger/depression. What are some ways that you found to help quell the angry thoughts? I found myself thinking a lot on the drive back home (about 1.5 hours) and a random idea popped into my head to create a little message to post up in my room as motivation to workout. Unfortunately the concept of the message wasn't exactly .... healthy, I guess. I wanted to put a picture of my cat and a picture of my ex with her new dou... boyfriend (which is plastered all over her facebook account) with a message of "They took him [Molson] from you, you might only get one chance! [to knock the dickheads teeth out if I see him]" Just the thought of that brought a big smile to my face. I know it is wrong, I know those are the thoughts I need to get away from but I couldn't help think about doing it for most of my drive. I find I workout more often, and harder when I am angry/mad. Something about the rage just gets me going, maybe it's just the primal nature of it but when I am angry I have some of the best workouts and move some of the most weight I ever have.
Ah well, that is enough random crap for today. Someone please yell at me and tell me not to make that poster. Sometimes I just need to be called a retard and to smarten up by someone else, I am good at talking myself into doing things I shouldn't.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. I had a terrible breakup a while ago and I kept waking up in the middle of the night and I was so angry. The thing that helped me the most at those times was meditation. I never tried it before and I thought it was just new age bs, but it really helped. It took a lot of practice to actually be able to clear all the thoughts from my head and just focus on my breathing. But once you get it, it can be really calming. I can't exactly describe it, but it put me in a place where there was just me and my breathing and my heart beating and it made me feel very strong and like I could get though anything and just let everything go.
Your post started out well. The wolf story clearly connects with you. Then you go off and propose making that poster, which is like a five-course meal of pain to feed the bad wolf. Feeding that won't help.
Quit obsessing over what not to do and focus on what you want to do. Look again at the list of virtues in the good wolf:
Ah, here's the funny thing about thoughts... you'll have all kinds of them. Good, bad, ugly, horrific, terrible, monstrous, joyous, loving, caring, sweet...
The secret to "controlling" your thoughts is to know which ones to dismiss and stupid brain crap and which to hold onto... to feed yourself with.
So have the mean, hateful, vindictive, horrid thoughts. You'd gonna, can't stop them. But you can cast them out as being idiotic shit that'll just mire you in a place you don't want to be.
You don't want to be that angry guy that hates everything around him slowly poisoning himself to the point where he'll be unable to care anymore, all he'll know is hate and anger and self-loathing. You want to recognize that those thoughts will get you nowhere... and that you can chuckle for a second and then move on to better thoughts.
It's like balancing on one foot, right? You don't stand there immobile, you move a little and then compensate for it. That's what "controlling" your thoughts is. Having the idiotic ones and then moving past it and letting it go to allow something better in.
While you're dealing with trying to get rid of all the negative crap, don't forget to feed yourself with positive stuff too. Think about the good things, write about them, reinforce the little moments of happiness in your life, whether it's not getting caught in the rain or enjoying getting caught in the rain or getting a good parking space or deciding to park far away to get in some more moving-your-ass time... there's ALWAYS good things happening in our lives, little, big, etc... we're just not recognizing them because we're too busy looking for other stuff either to come or past us.
Be in the present... in the sunshine, in the clouds, in the grass, in the snow, with the fisheys, in the children's laughter, whatever. Allow yourself to see the good things to smile about. And then smile about them.
The past holds nothing but memories, the future promises nothing but hope... and neither are as important as what is right NOW.
I know all of you are right, and like I said in the post I know the thought was dumb and idiotic. As much as it might not come through on this thread I am generally a very scientific/analytical/grounded kind of person. I am able to see opposing sides of a problem, the trouble comes when something in my head is telling me to ignore the other side. I knew the poster was stupid yet for some reason I was able to keep convincing myself it could be a good idea, that is why I asked for some "tough love".
Once again I thank all of you, and apologize for the weird crap I request.
For today's mini-vent I just wanted to say, that as if it wasn't hard enough not letting my thoughts of the past/her control my waking life I have started to have dreams including her. Most days I don't even think about her at all but then I will sleep and shortly before waking or even between hits of the snooze button (snooze set to 30 mins) I will have a dream involving her in some way. This is really frustrating me because I don't want to think about her, I want to move on and get passed it but it's like something is trying to hold me back. They haven't really affected me greatly, ie. they do not depress/anger me but they are starting to frustrate me. Oh well, at least I have been dreaming, that is more then I can say about the last couple months lol.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
Another metaphor from the motorcycle (and probably other) world: In the days I was riding a small motorcycle one of the mags said that if you got in trouble don't look at the danger, look at safety. It was only a few days later a car pulled and and made a left turn right before me. I remembered to look at the escape route, and not the car. So much easier and less pain.
What you're going thru now is the epitomy of agonizing and emotionally soul-searing. And while it would be great if you could simply sever your emotions and let things go, chances are, that simply won't happen (it's just not human nature).
You chose to give your heart before (note - I'm big on owning responsibilities and emotions)... and for years, you received wonderful benefits from it. Love should be a gift without strings (note - should. It's very difficult to do that)...and you honored this person by giving of yourself.
The fact she didn't hold the gift as valuable as she should have....is not your responsibility. You don't own that. You cannot control how others act...only how you react to their actions.
Give yourself time to honor your grief. Cry it out (I'm big on crying for stress-relief - I find it to be cathartic and drains all the negative energy out of me). And then start to internalize: you are a gift beyond all...and if someone lacks the ability to appreciate that fact, that's their issue, not yours. Give yourself permission to let go (not today, perhaps, not next week, but sometime) and then give yourself permission to heal.
I'm reminded of a poem I read back online in 1986:
Life is a four letter word........
I think you spell it L-O-V-E
It's really as simple as that......
No, I don't really think that I can totally describe love
but I do know some things about it.
Seems to me that in order to be in love, you have to be
able to be weak. Sure, certain aspects of love take
a real strength. But, it is true that in order to
experience love at its best, you have to be able to
be weak, vulnerable and accept the possibility that
you might get hurt. If you are too tough to let
yourself be so open for attack, then I am afraid you
can never feel love to its fullest.
Is it worth it to take such a risk. I don't know the answer to
that....but I do know that even though I have gotten
hurt occasionally, I would do it all over again. The
Joys were more memorable than the pain.
Actually, most of the times that I ended up hurt were not because
I left myself vulnerable, but rather that my stupidity tricked
me into arming myself against "the one I loved", so that she
couldn't hurt me. Once I let myself take the defensive,
I usually ended up causing more problems than I solved.
What should a person do: Should a person be tougher and more
protective of themselves even though they take away from
the full effect of love....Or should you be more vulnerable
and weak and open to possible attack....
I am WEAK! Not because I choose to be this way....but rather because
in all honesty, I know no other way.
I am weak....I sometimes get hurt....but I have felt love....
-JT
Love is a risk and love is a challenge. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it rips your heart from your body. But all times....everything happens for a reason. You might not know now what it is, or next week, or next year, or 10 years from now....but someday, you'll understand the gifts you gained from the pain you experienced.
(I wrote about that as well too for myself personally - you can check it out here).
Well, if anyone had any doubt that someone or something is fucking with me, I present some further evidence.
So it has been a little over a week since my initial blow up triggered by my bike being stolen and I have finally started to relax, feel more like my normal calm self (thanks largely to the fine people of this forum) when tonight, so 18 yr old asshat c**ts (friends of one of my roommates by the way) decide that it would be fun to smash my satellite dish. Not only did they rip the pole it was on out of the ground, they bent the dish itself in half and completely tore off the LNBs (the pieces that point back into the dish) and smashed them into pieces and ripped the cabling out. So now I sit here, mad as ever, trying to think of the most painful way I can kill them and not go to jail for it.
At least this time I know who fucked me over and I can get retribution (in the form of them replacing all my hardware of course )
Oh, and on a side note, I know I said I would put my rants in white text but I figured I had to share this with everyone.
~Kyle
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
Just thought I would update with some good news. My landlords confronted my roommate about the incident (because she is their niece) and she immediately offered to pay for the new hardware and installation so I will have $200 in-hand by Thursday.
Oh, and one other thought, if anyone is passing through the Southern MI or SW Ontario area and wants to come to Windsor and give me a kick in the ass and force me to the gym feel free
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
Just thought I would update with some good news. My landlords confronted my roommate about the incident (because she is their niece) and she immediately offered to pay for the new hardware and installation so I will have $200 in-hand by Thursday.
Oh, and one other thought, if anyone is passing through the Southern MI or SW Ontario area and wants to come to Windsor and give me a kick in the ass and force me to the gym feel free
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
7 days since my last post, been trying to change my outlook to a more positive one. When I start to think negative I try to remind myself of things that have been going well lately (like finishing a 100 mark test in about 15 minutes, shocking the teacher, and ending up with 98% on it ). Kind of wish I could edit the title of the thread though, oh well.
Tonight has been a little tougher however, having a bit of a downer night. Caught myself wishing for a chance to meet the douchebag face to face, thankfully a couple of my shows are on soon so my mind will be occupied and hopefully those stupid thoughts will subside.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
No offense but who has a girlfriend for eight years?
Perhaps she felt you weren't serious about the relationship. If you were you'd have stopped playing house and asked her to marry you long ago. What are you afraid of?
That said, here's a book on the subject by a brilliant man. You probably won't read it and if you do you'll probably hate it and disagree with all of it.
No offense but who has a girlfriend for eight years?
Perhaps she felt you weren't serious about the relationship. If you were you'd have stopped playing house and asked her to marry you long ago. What are you afraid of?
That said, here's a book on the subject by a brilliant man. You probably won't read it and if you do you'll probably hate it and disagree with all of it.
Well, as you could see in my profile I am 24, so some simple math puts me at 16 when we first started dating. Little young for marriage don't you think? Many people from my hometown end up marrying young and get stuck in that shithole and that is something I would/will not let happen to me. I had (and still have) school to deal with and a lot of other things. I was thinking of marriage towards the end however and a couple weeks before we broke up I had been thinking about asking her after I graduated and had a steady job (not the piddly little min. wage bullshit I have been bouncing between while trying to get through school) and was occasionally thinking of how I would go about it. I guess it just wasn't in the cards.
PS. I wrote the above and forgot to post it, after re-reading it I hope you don't get any kind of impression that I am snapping back at you, I understand your question and I get it a lot when people found out how long we had been dating. 8 years is a long time, but you have to take it in context 8 years starting when you are a teen is a lot different then 8 years starting in say your late twenties or thirties.
As for the book, I will have to take a look at it, thanks for the link.
__________________ Beginning is Easy - Continuing is Hard
猿も木から落ちる Even monkeys fall from trees
- Japanese Proverb
I'm Done, I quit, I give up!
Today, just know that you have friends that are thinking about you and sending you good vibes.
Honor your grief
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