I'm Done, I quit, I give up!

[banderbe]

Originally Posted by Sign

Well, as you could see in my profile I am 24, so some simple math puts me at 16 when we first started dating. Little young for marriage don't you think?

True, I noticed your age after I posted. I didn't get married until I was 28. I'm 31 now. I love it. And, believe it or not, having kids just makes it that much better, contrary to the way parenthood is portrayed in popular culture.

Anyway, hope I didn't sound like too much of a jerk.. best wishes.

[Sign]

Just need to get some stuff out, not much to see here so feel free to click the 'Back' button.



Been a rough few days this week. After having someone by your side to celebrate with for so long it can be kind of depressing when they aren't there anymore. I am finding it hard to even watch some of the old movies I used to love. At times there will be a scene that reminds me of her or just a nice moment that reminds of happy times and it brings the pain right back to the front.

I have also still been having trouble with some dreams. I find myself dreaming not about her specifically but she was in it. It didn't upset me or anything of that sort but I still don't really like it, in fact I would much rather forget it. I am also ashamed to admit having a dream recently of punching out the new douchebag and I remember the immense feeling of satisfaction I had from doing it. Then I awoke and felt ashamed for it. What worries me most of all is that I don't have these thoughts during the day, it's not like I sit around and think about her or anything, at most there are brief flashes of things that remind me but then they pass.

I am still working on staying positive though. I had some major car troubles but rather then look to the negative I worked my schedule to allow me the week off so I could go back home and help my step-dad fix my car and got to spend some good time with him. Thanks for letting me get this out, was kind of bothering me, I need to get a handle on this dream stuff though, it can't be healthy can it?

PS. I wanted to edit my initial post, and the thread title but couldn't find an edit button so if a mod sees this can you drop me a PM.

PPS. I still miss my kitty a whole lot

[castufari]

I was in your shoes a few years ago. I'll skip the details but life really hit the crapper. Unlike you I decided to mix Flexoril and whiskey. That was a fun trip to the ER (charcoal sucks) and the week in the funny farm wasn't so funny. At least it wasn't then.

I had a set back over the holidays. No one died and I didn't lose anything. The sucky part? When I needed them my friends weren't around. They called wanting to do something and when I said I was bummed out they disappeared. I spent my holiday with that crap sitting in my belly like a cheap fruitcake.

On Christmas Eve I decided to send some emails out to the people I've been working with. While I'm writing them I get an IM from one of them. She's at home, Xmas is going crappy because of her inlaws. We chatted online for almost 2 hours. We both vented for a while. I signed off feeling a lot better about myself. I also knew who my friends were. Now I have a friend I value.

Not sure about the dreams. The day before Christmas I was out fishing with my brother in the ocean. I stood on the bow to pee and he gunned the boat. I fell, busted my ass. Came home and took the only pain pill I could find...and it was from 2003. Holy crap. I took it, went to bed. Spent the entire night having strange dreams...someone kept poking in the room and pointing a flashlight at me. The beam would travel from me to another spot around the room and would refocus on a character that looks like something out of a toothpaste commercial (like a germ). Never freaking again will I take outdated drugs.

[riverbender]

HA! 9 years later I still have dreams about doing bad thing to my ex's now wife/my ex friend.

8 years is a very long time. You lost someone close to you. You lost a relationship. You need to go through the grieving process. It's OK to dream or even think bad things. On purpose. Have fun with it!!

I forget the progression - it's something like denial, anger, sadness, acceptance, rinse & repeat until you're finally over it. That's how it went for me when the ex and I split. One day were were together. The next day he was shacked up with a mutual friend. Literally. I was told it takes 1/2 the time of the relationship to fully heal. I found that to be about right. Don't worry though, it gets easier over time. My real tough time was the first three months.

I remember at one point being so sick of being pissed off. I was seeing a therapist at the time and she was trying to get me to be mad when being mad wasn't what I wanted to be. I was so tired of being angry all the time. Being happy is so much easier than being mad. I just couldn't figure out how to get happy.

You have things you have to work through. Being mad is part of that process. Fantasizing or dreaming about knocking out those we perhaps perceive as haven taken something from us is probably kinda normal I'd think. There is no shortcut through the dark stuff. What are you mad about? Who are you mad at?

Here's the thing I learned through that process - I based my happiness on another and their actions, what they wanted and didn't want. I had zero control over my own life and therefore my own happiness because I chose to give that control over to my ex, who wanted nothing to do with me. He had much better things to do! Go figure.

I figured out that I was the one who made the choices I made and I was the one who put myself in that situation, despite his actions or inactions. I figured, if I got myself into that mess, I could get myself out. I finally had control over ME, and therefore my feelings. I finally had the control/ability to do something to get myself happy once I took him out of the equation (where he didn't want to be anyway!).

And, (not to make light because yeah it sucks but..) next time someone steals your bike, remember back to how you feel now. IMO life teaches us to keep things in perspective. Like they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

[Jean-Paul]

Originally Posted by Sign

FUCK YOU GOD!
TAKE YOUR DIVINE PLAN AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Not that I am a Christian, but I recognize that when someone is in pain they can lash out against their belief structure because they feel it has abandoned them. I'm sorry that you are in that much pain. I hope your faith in yourself becomes strong now that you realize no invisible force will step in.

Growth is painful. At 24, being freed from your GF of 8 years was a blessing in disguise. You will honestly be happy about this a year from now, mark my words.

[Sign]

Originally Posted by Jean-Paul

Not that I am a Christian, but I recognize that when someone is in pain they can lash out against their belief structure because they feel it has abandoned them. I'm sorry that you are in that much pain. I hope your faith in yourself becomes strong now that you realize no invisible force will step in.

Growth is painful. At 24, being freed from your GF of 8 years was a blessing in disguise. You will honestly be happy about this a year from now, mark my words.

Well, to be honest I can't say I am very religious (if I am at all). I was raised catholic but quickly lost my faith when I discovered science. I still have brief moments like in my original post where I lash out (hard to completely ignore my faith when my mom keeps trying to push it back on me).

Overall I have changed a lot in the short time since that original post and have made great strides to change my outlook and to be more positive. My post last night was a temporary moment of weakness caused by the holidays and sleep deprivation. I know things will improve in time; I sure hope it is faster then 4 years (1/2 the time spent with her as quoted above by riverbender ).

Oh, and as for the bike thing, I don't really care about it that much, it was just a catalyst that ignited everything else.

[missjane]

I know this is a hard time for you. I'm in a similar situation this holiday season. I caught my significant other of MANY years (ex now) cheating on me with two different women. I found this out several weeks ago while my mother was in the hospital suffering from a stroke. Talk about hitting me when I was down. My reality as I knew it came to an abrupt halt that day. I knew this holiday would be bad, and it was. But, I am trying to look forward to a new year. I hope it's better. I hope I heal. And, I hope the same for you.

By the way, I am getting a puppy. I think it will help!

[K-Court]

Kyle, just read through your thread and don't have much to say other than to let you know you have someone out there that cares about you and hopes you find the joy in life you deserve. Stay strong, bro!

PS If you want to change your thread title, let me know and I can make that happen for you.

Rob

[Jimbo]

Sign & Miss Jane - I know what it is to lose a soul mate. It is crushing. I was talking with a friend recently who is going throuh an unexpected divorce. I've been through what he's experiencing and you guys too.

I also am still struggling with the loss of my oldest son this last August.

I can honestly say that the grief is deeper in losing my son. But what I experienced when my wife left me years earlier was more agonizing to deal with in some other ways. This might surprise some.

The fact is..when you lose someone in death it's final. There's no going back..no fixing things and I know it's not my fault. But in the loss experienced with divorce/breakup the grief is coupled with guilt (the idea that maybe it's me) with false hope (maybe I can fix this) and of course hurt/anger (they chose to leave me) and the fear that it will happen again.

So divorce or break up can actually bring more emothional turmoil and baggage than the actual death of a loved one.

Don't go through it alone. Sharing here is a great outlet. But find a good church or support group/friends/family to lean on.

Lifting is great theropy too.

I guess I say all that to offer this, I understand and I'm really sorry for you hurt. Please hang in there. You have friends here who care.

I choose to believe that I will see my son again. I also choose to believe that God loves me and He sooths my pain.

I hope you both find peace in your own paths.

[Jean-Paul]

Great post, Jemmie!

[sg516]

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrow, but we can choose to live in joy." Joseph Campbell 1904-1987

I know what its like to go through a ton of bad things one after another after another. I had a gf of 4 years cheat on me and leave me when i was in college and it sucks. just last year i had my house broken into and virtually everything stolen, then walked out the next morning to find my car gone. you know things pile up sometimes and we all have to vent. but when i find that tons of bad things seem to all be happening at the same time and only happening to me i stop and try to figure out what i am doing. i mean it couldnt just be a coincidence that at one time everything went wrong. so i evaluate my own life and find what needs to be changed. the thing is it is easy to learn helplessness. to say "screw it the universe is conspiring against me anyway so why try" but its at those times you have to step back and start effecting positive change in yourself and in the people around you. i am not excusing the wretchedness of the people that did things that hurt me but i am accepting a certain amount of contributory negligence. there will always be bad people out there, or not bad but careless people, and thoughtless people. we have to just make ourselves prepared as best we can for the inevitable run ins we will have with them. just be prepared as best you can for the obstacles life has planned for you because there are lots of them. and its through overcoming the obstacles that we see our true potential and our true character or lack thereof.

[Ahren55]

Ok sign people have given a lot feed back and i don't have time to read all of them so if I say something that's already posted i apologize.

First off I'm sorry about your resent hard ships. Nobody wants to be put through or experience these things.

I know why you're frustrated and I may poke a nerve here but this is what you need to here...you have to take responsibility for your life and the things that have happened. That's one part of becoming a man. Bad things happen, YES they do. But stop playing a victim and take responsibility for your life and stop blaming other people.

It seems you are drawing a lot of negative events to yourself and this may be a result of your thinking process. Check this out The Secret :: Official Web Site of The Secret Movie :: Law of Attraction . You'll see what I mean.

I know you're a strong person by what you said. You can and will get through this if you choose. Nobody else can do this for you. You can have what ever you want in life, no limits. But it's your choice. If you want some coaching or just someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me ahrenwalker@hotmail.com

Take care buddy.

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[MAXX]

I just scanned thru the posts quickly, but Sign, when I read your stuff, I coulda sworn I was reading things written by me at your age--it was almost scary.

I'm Catholic as well, had zero success with the ladies, was horribly flat broke and in debt while in college and long afterwards, and just had plain bad luck. Here I was, a college graduate, making $10,000 a year, working at WalMart in the evenings, using food stamps, and my hair was falling out from having to pay my bills with credit cards. I put a lot of pressure on myself and often wondered what was wrong with me. I thought God wanted me to be a monk, cause I felt so lonely. I thought if I could find a special someone things would change. But unlike you, I never dated a girl longer than a month until I was 26--not even in high school or college.

I had one guy who was my "spiritual adviser." He was just a Christian, one of the nicest, most up-beat guys I ever met. I never saw him upset, depressed, angry, negative, bitter--he was unbelievable. I would call him at 2 or 3 in the morning with my sob stories (he worked 2 jobs, one during graveyard shift). He always made me feel better. After being spiritual my whole life, I had pretty much given up on God and blamed him. At one point, when I was about 27 (I'm 36 now), I made a horrible decision regarding a female that I thought was the one. I went into a major year long bout of depression. I tried to get thru it on my own using self-help books. Finally, I said F it, I'm just gonna go out and enjoy life and quit worrying about things so much. Once I made that decision, a huge burden was lifted off me and things started to turn around. When negative things happened, I just took it all in stride. Now, I did some regrettable things--promiscuous--but things kept improving. Things weren't always rosy, but I was really enjoying life, I was climbing the empoyment ladder, meeting women, then boom, I met my future wife. And then it all went downhill from there. Just kidding My only regret bout marriage is that I was finally at a point where I felt free and liberated for the first time--marriage took that away a bit.

I still have lot of unhappy times--I really hate my current job for example--but I rarely get stressed or worried, because I know it will all work ou somehow. I have slowly found my spiritual faith, but never to the point like when I was younger. I have totally questioned the catholic church and a lot of things about organized religion, so I just stick with "faith." My best advice, find someone who you can talk to like my friend. Or maybe you have found that here. Just remember, no matter how bad you think things are, there's always people who have it even worse. Be grateful for the good things in your life--your health, friends, family, roof over your head, the ability to wake up without war, poverty, disease, etc.........good luck.

[tossedup]

I was just going to chime in here and tell you to try and keep things in perspective. I was talking to somebody the other day and they asked me how I was doing ( I was having a pretty shitty day) I said compared to who? He said to the kid in the third world country that steped on a land mine and now is not able to walk and is confined to the back room of his clay hut and his parents treat him like a sick dog. That made my day and attitude turn right around. Were pulling for you man.

[Sign]

Thank you Tossedup for the kind words, and thank you to everyone that has posted in this thread or contacted me via PM. All the advice and support I received in this thread has really meant a lot to me since I first posted in it.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I am much better now, I have made a major overhaul on my outlook, my attitude, and everything else in my life and I owe a large part of it to everyone here. I still have my weak moments (ex. April 13th would have been another anniversary) but I can't really expect any less after such a long relationship, but I don't let them affect me like I used to, I acknowledge them, and then try to move past them and focus on something else.

So once again, thank you everyone for the support when I needed it most. I feel I owe all of you more then you could possible know.


-Kyle

[bumper]

things will get better. keep being positive man. you'll get through this!