This is probably going to be a pretty embarrassing post. Did I mention I'm bored out of my mind at work today and highly caffeinated?
Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is my body image. I have been concerned with weight for as long as I can remember. I remember going on my first diet when I was in first grade - I had a little belly, just baby fat, really. My two best friends were stick thin, though, and I wanted to be like them.
As I got older, I got better at dieting. My "normal" weight was 165, which on me was a size 14. Senior year of high school, I lost maybe 20 pounds, which I gained back before leaving for college. Freshman year of college, I was too nervous to eat, and lost 15 pounds. Then I got a boyfriend and was really happy, and gained that back and more. Etc.
My eating disorder this time stemmed from my fear that once again I'd gain the weight back. I was scrupulous about "no slippery slope" - the other times, first I'd stop exercising, just missing a workout or ten, then I'd start eating crappier, and the next thing you know I'd be rationalizing that I wasn't gaining weight, my clothes had just shrunk in the dryer. All of them!
I think I've got that part of things under control. I think I'm ready to try doing normal maintenance. But part of me just wants to try to lose a liiiittle more weight. Do Metaburn, or maybe Red Carpet Ready. I'm more or less happy with my size, but my thighs are still a little jiggly. You know?
However, if my primary concern is getting over the amenorrhea and getting myself knocked up, which it is, any weight loss is going to have to wait until I have a couple of normal periods. Until then, it's maintenanceville for me. No energy deficit.
Below are two pictures of me (that I can't figure out how to resize, sorry), the first taken in May 2004 (ignore the giant head plz thanx) at about 180-185 pounds, the second at about 135, the week before I started REPAIR. I'm posting them to force myself to see how far I've come. That in May 2004 I didn't even think it was possible for me to wear a bikini. That I would have killed for the body I have now. And that's it's good enough. Jiggly thighs notwithstanding.
Marty! You're a hotty girl! You have nothing to worry about, that is fo' sho'.
I do understand how you're feeling though. When my Grandmother passed all these old pictures surfaced so that we could make a collage for the funeral (it was this past December) and there were some from when I was about 15 and weighed around 135. I cannot believe how skinny I was or how good I looked! I also cannot believe that I felt fat then and was always "dieting" whether it was effective or not. I would do just about anything to get back down to that weight. It's so hard to see when you're in it, what you actually look like, and we just have to remember how far we've come.
You've come a long way, baby (hello cheesy cigarette add from the 80s!)
First off, you look great! Second, is that your house? Those hardwood floors are gorgeous, and all that light coming in the windows! I'm drooling. No wonder your MIL doesn't want to leave.
I remember when I was in high school having gotten down to around 165 and feeling like I looked okay, but still too self-conscious to wear shorts or jeans or a short skirt. When I got up to 200 I looked at those pictures and I was so mad at myself that I had not appreciated what I had at the time. I swore if I ever got that small again I would think I was the hottest thing around! Well of course it doesn't work that way, but I am trying. I think there has to be a place where you may still be trying to make minor adjustments, but at the same time you can sit back and feel sexy and be happy with yourself. I guess that's what we're all trying to find.
BTW: I don't think your thighs are jiggly, for what its worth.
Marty - you're doing so well... every time you type about your emotional journey, I can see the progress you're making in conquering those demons.
In college, I weighed 105# when I started (I'm 5'2"). I thought I was fat, even though I ate tons (oh, to be able to eat like that and not be fat!!!) and had no clue about nutrition. I gained a ton in college (for reasons I won't go into here, but physical and emotional causes). Struggled with weight ever since... and body image.
If only we could just appreciate and love our bodies - especially the STRONG and HEALTHY bodies we are creating. So easy to criticize and pick 'em apart... and you do NOT have "jiggly thighs"!!!
I second the previous comments. Way to go! Its not easy to see yourself as others do, but over time you will start being more comfortable in your own skin. Congrats.
(700ish calories from starch - great googly moogly!)
Ha! I see you're a Skwigg devotee as well.
Anyway, have a WONDERFUL stuff yerself week - I'll be about 8 days behind you and lots of the emotional things you're writing about are happening to me, as well, but at a lower level. I feel a little better, a little more stable.... but not a big change.
Maybe I should go do some more foam rolling.
Mmmmm, pain au chocolat....
__________________ "My yoga class had me trembling and sweating and I feel MUCH better." - Fang
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tenacious Training and Tweaking (the A lotta Alitteration thread)
Marty, I have been reading this thread kind of in hit and miss (like everyone else's), but I just read through the whole thing to get an idea of REPAIR and you've pushed me off the fence into getting it. I really enjoyed reading your journey start to finish and you're doing so well! Also, you look wonderful!
Marty, I have been reading this thread kind of in hit and miss (like everyone else's), but I just read through the whole thing to get an idea of REPAIR and you've pushed me off the fence into getting it. I really enjoyed reading your journey start to finish and you're doing so well! Also, you look wonderful!
Karen, thanks for commenting! I'm glad you are getting the Metabolic Repair Manual. And thanks so much for your nice thoughts!
Quote:
Originally Posted by misstenacity
Ha! I see you're a Skwigg devotee as well.
Anyway, have a WONDERFUL stuff yerself week - I'll be about 8 days behind you and lots of the emotional things you're writing about are happening to me, as well, but at a lower level. I feel a little better, a little more stable.... but not a big change.
Maybe I should go do some more foam rolling.
Mmmmm, pain au chocolat....
I LOVE Skwigg! Definitely my favorite blog. And now I can't stop saying great googly moogly. LOL
Thanks Andrea! BTW - I'm making my way through articles you sent me. Thanks again for those.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tcoy777
I second the previous comments. Way to go! Its not easy to see yourself as others do, but over time you will start being more comfortable in your own skin. Congrats.
thanks T! Thanks for all your support through the whole 8 weeks. It means a lot.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bytsi
Marty - you're doing so well... every time you type about your emotional journey, I can see the progress you're making in conquering those demons.
In college, I weighed 105# when I started (I'm 5'2"). I thought I was fat, even though I ate tons (oh, to be able to eat like that and not be fat!!!) and had no clue about nutrition. I gained a ton in college (for reasons I won't go into here, but physical and emotional causes). Struggled with weight ever since... and body image.
If only we could just appreciate and love our bodies - especially the STRONG and HEALTHY bodies we are creating. So easy to criticize and pick 'em apart... and you do NOT have "jiggly thighs"!!!
Thanks Bytsi! This is what I need to remember - strong and healthy!! Not jiggly. Appreciating and loving the body I have is exactly what I need to work on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LWilson212
Hey Marty-
First off, you look great! Second, is that your house? Those hardwood floors are gorgeous, and all that light coming in the windows! I'm drooling. No wonder your MIL doesn't want to leave.
I remember when I was in high school having gotten down to around 165 and feeling like I looked okay, but still too self-conscious to wear shorts or jeans or a short skirt. When I got up to 200 I looked at those pictures and I was so mad at myself that I had not appreciated what I had at the time. I swore if I ever got that small again I would think I was the hottest thing around! Well of course it doesn't work that way, but I am trying. I think there has to be a place where you may still be trying to make minor adjustments, but at the same time you can sit back and feel sexy and be happy with yourself. I guess that's what we're all trying to find.
BTW: I don't think your thighs are jiggly, for what its worth.
Hi Leah! Thanks!
You said it perfectly - that is how I felt every time I yo-yoed. Never satisfied when I was thinner, but mad at myself for not appreciating it when I was bigger. I think you're right about finding that balance. We'll get there.
Yes, that is my house! Thanks! My husband is a lawyer and moonlights as a real estate agent and had all these really high standards for where we would live. I was like, um, my current apartment is 500 square feet and in an retirement community where I have to fight old ladies for the washing machine - I like EVERYTHING. So I should give him the credit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesca
Marty! You're a hotty girl! You have nothing to worry about, that is fo' sho'.
I do understand how you're feeling though. When my Grandmother passed all these old pictures surfaced so that we could make a collage for the funeral (it was this past December) and there were some from when I was about 15 and weighed around 135. I cannot believe how skinny I was or how good I looked! I also cannot believe that I felt fat then and was always "dieting" whether it was effective or not. I would do just about anything to get back down to that weight. It's so hard to see when you're in it, what you actually look like, and we just have to remember how far we've come.
You've come a long way, baby (hello cheesy cigarette add from the 80s!)
Jes, thanks! Old pictures are so crazy to look at. When I look back, I catch myself defining periods in my life by what weight I was. Which is silly! And it's funny, some of the happiest times of my life have been when I was bigger.
Thanks for all your support during this. I feel like a crazy emotional roller coaster sometimes and it really helps to know that you and Andrea are going through things like this too.
Also a crapload of NEAT yesterday. Finally commandeered my kitchen back from MIL and made a stew and some rhubarb bread. Also shopping, laundry, cleaning, and a long walk with the pups. Barely sat down all day except to eat.
Food:
I promised my therapist I would try to go one day this week without planning and tracking food, just eating intuitively and listening to my body. I told her that every time I've ever done that I have promptly gained at least 5 pounds. She said I need to start trusting myself and do I want to spend the rest of my life plugging food into fitday from my iPhone?
So here is what I ate, no idea on calorie totals or macros. I basically ate what I wanted when I was hungry, stopped when full, and then went to bed totally stuffed, so hopefully that is good.
Handful of strawberries
Lightfull satiety smoothie
coffee with cream
1 mini chocolate crossiant
1/2 mini nut roll type thing
assorted fruit
a little poached salmon and one shrimp with cocktail sauce
assorted vegetables
2 small bowls of coffee-flavored ice cream with a litle chocolate sauce
1/2 cheese sandwich
poached egg on toast
PWO shake
poached egg on toast
licked the spatula of the rhubarb bread batter
1 grilled peach
1 16oz Miller Lite High Life (it's the champagne of beers, yo)
1/2 cheese sandwich
Fage 2% yogurt with blueberries and blackberries
rhubarb bread
Pre-workout nutrition was poached egg on toast.
Post-workout nutrition was protein shake with a banana.
Today I will track to make sure I hit the calories and macros.
Sleep: Crappy sleep, anxious and awake a lot of the night. Was in bed for 9 hours, does that count for anything? 3mg melatonin.
Water/Potassium/sodium: Good.
Probiotics/enzymes/fish oil/multivitamin/BCAAs: Forgot everything. Back on a schedule today.
Emotionally: Oh geez. Yesterday was not good. I'm really nervous about my doctor's appointment on Wednesday and have convinced myself that I have premature ovarian failure. I know, I know. I banned myself from the internet and tried to keep busy all day, but I couldn't get my mind off of it and I couldn't sleep.
It's funny how every time I start a new stage I get a little emotional and need to adjust.
Reading everyone's nice thoughts really helped, though. Thanks, guys - seriously, all your comments meant a lot.
I forgot to ask this earlier - I was wondering if you're doing the 3 sets of each exercise with 1 min inbetween, and then going on to the next exercise (kind of like BFL)?
I think I held on to some of the Turbulence or Berardi theories and I am/was doing each body group sequentially, like this:
1 set squat, 1 set lunge (then repeat 3 times)
1 set bench press, 1 set row, 1 set overhead press (then repeat thrice)
....etc.
Am I backwards?
__________________ "My yoga class had me trembling and sweating and I feel MUCH better." - Fang
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tenacious Training and Tweaking (the A lotta Alitteration thread)
OK, Marty. Congrats on making it through the the Repair. It will be interesting to see you go the rest of the way.
You're looking great. Keep it up. Trust yourself.
I forgot to mention I'm more of a beer guy than a brandy and cigar type but hey at least you recognize the need to be diverse and inclusive.
LOL. My beer of choice is Miller Lite, which I have a feeling might not be highbrow enough for you? What can I say, I'm a Wisconsin girl.
Quote:
Originally Posted by misstenacity
I forgot to ask this earlier - I was wondering if you're doing the 3 sets of each exercise with 1 min inbetween, and then going on to the next exercise (kind of like BFL)?
I think I held on to some of the Turbulence or Berardi theories and I am/was doing each body group sequentially, like this:
1 set squat, 1 set lunge (then repeat 3 times)
1 set bench press, 1 set row, 1 set overhead press (then repeat thrice)
....etc.
Am I backwards?
I have been doing 3 sets of each exercises with 1 minute in between, then resting 2 minutes, then the next exercise. I don't really like doing it this way and would rather be doing it the way you are. I don't think it matters so much, though??
Emotionally: A little better today. Getting on board with all this eating! Yesterday I got my McDonald's ice cream fix. Today is a Dunkin' Donuts Glazed Fritter. Yay.
I agree. I would rather be doing it the misstenacity way than what's in the book. I wonder if it matters? I think my exercises would be better since you are getting a bit more of break than if you do the exercises all at once like in the book. It's a good question for Leigh, I suppose.
Glad to hear things are more on track today. I hope they keep being good!
LOL. My beer of choice is Miller Lite, which I have a feeling might not be highbrow enough for you? What can I say, I'm a Wisconsin girl.
I think we're good. I'm generally a Bud Light guy but if I'm getting fancy I'll drink Shiner which cracks me up because it's considered an import at most places and it's less than 2 hours from me. You have to remember that I'm a poor college student at heart. This weekend my neighbor offered my a Mickey's malt liquor and I accepted. Why my next door neighbor routinely drinks malt liquor in the heart of the suburbs is another story.
__________________
Past performance is not indicative of future success.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Marty, I agree ... you look great! Why not go into this "maintenance" phase with the thought of maintaining what you have, if you lose a little, great ... if not, no big deal. Make your goals something performance based instead ... like perform a chin up or 10 man-style pushups or whatever ... as opposed to appearance based. Might be healthy ...
__________________
Life's a Journey ... Enjoy the Ride!
I agree. I would rather be doing it the misstenacity way than what's in the book. I wonder if it matters? I think my exercises would be better since you are getting a bit more of break than if you do the exercises all at once like in the book. It's a good question for Leigh, I suppose.
Glad to hear things are more on track today. I hope they keep being good!
Thanks Jes! I can't imagine it would matter TOO much, as long as you're getting a light resistance workout. But I don't know....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brentv
Marty:
You look great! Congratulations on the huge changes!
Thanks Brent! Thanks for all your support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deserve
I think we're good. I'm generally a Bud Light guy but if I'm getting fancy I'll drink Shiner which cracks me up because it's considered an import at most places and it's less than 2 hours from me. You have to remember that I'm a poor college student at heart. This weekend my neighbor offered my a Mickey's malt liquor and I accepted. Why my next door neighbor routinely drinks malt liquor in the heart of the suburbs is another story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deserve
Honestly, the best beer is a free beer. Bonus points if it's cold. I'm not a big fan of warm beer. I'll leave that to our European brethren.
Oh dude. Mickey's was the first alcoholic beverage I ever had. I have a soft spot for Mickey's. That's pretty funny that your neighbor drinks it. We had a Ghetto Fabulous themed birthday party one year with buckets of 40s on ice instead of a keg. Good times...
I've never heard of Shiner. I'll try it the next time I feel fancy. And warm beer is so freaking gross.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gobbla
A: Coors light if it's available, bud from a can is good (not so much from a bottle), I'll send all the Miller Light down your way.
B: x23 "You ARE a hottie"
C: There is no spoon
Thanks Gabe! You are very sweet.
I'll drink Coors if I must. Bud Light only from a bottle, no cans. I'll take all the Miller Lite you send me! (Although I'm a little hungover right now, so maybe I'll drink it a little bit later.)
I don't get the spoon thing. (see aforementioned hangover, I'm stupid right now) ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by UConnJulie
Marty, I agree ... you look great! Why not go into this "maintenance" phase with the thought of maintaining what you have, if you lose a little, great ... if not, no big deal. Make your goals something performance based instead ... like perform a chin up or 10 man-style pushups or whatever ... as opposed to appearance based. Might be healthy ...
Julie, this is a great idea. Other than finishing a marathon, I've never really had performance-based goals, only appearance based ones. I think it would be really healthy.
I'll spend the next couple of days thinking about what I'd like to do. I like the chin-up idea. I have a chin-up bar and would love to mistress them eventually. I'd also like to try a sprint triathlon. Or I could try to do a faster 5K. Hmmm. So many options!
Warmup - 5 mins easy on elliptical
30 minutes faster on elliptical, more resistance, no hands
Cool-down - 5 mins easy on elliptical, mobility work
Food:
2784 calories
86g fat
326g carbs/26g fiber
128g protein
44g booze (um, book club was fun)
I went a little higher than my goal of 2600 because I walked 2 miles to book club in addition to my workout. Plus, when I got home, my MIL had made this freaking delicious cake. I went to bed almost too full to sleep.
Pre-workout nutrition was Dunkin' Donuts glazed fritter.
Post-workout nutrition was salad, berries, 1/2 cheese sandwich.
Emotionally: Good. I had my doctor's appointment today and it went well. She was great and listened to all my history and everything and seemed to get all my concerns. So she's doing a ton of blood tests, and I'm on prometrium for the next ten days (I haaaaate this shit. HATE! It makes my brain a cloudy mess the entire next morning even when I take it right before bed.) and we'll see how that goes. She said it's not necessary to eat red meat but to look into better vegetarian vitamin supplements. And she said the amount of exercise I'm doing now is good. I think I'll keep it around this level, maybe increase it just a bit. So for now it's all about foggy heads and energy balance. I think I can handle that.
The other thing that made me feel better was that when I saw her last summer, she checked my FSH levels and they weren't high. So it's probably not POF. Phew.
In other news, I had the best time ever at book club last night. Relaxed and not worried about calories and shit, just ate whatever I wanted. It felt great.
I can't believe less than 4 more days of the program!
OK first things first. You mistook me for Tony. In some parts of the world that's punishable by death. Tony will be mortified if he reads it. He's much better looking than I am.
Second. The Ghetto Fabulous party sounds awesome. I was a huge fan of the 40 oz in college. I was financially challenged and the powerful 40 did me right. My brand of choice was Silver Thunder. It was 1.29. You had to drink it fast. If it got hot you were guaranteed to hurl.
Shiner has a couple of different kinds. The Bock which is by far and away the most popular around here is a darker beer while the blond is more akin to a pilsner like Miller lite.
What's next after this 4 days is up?
__________________
Past performance is not indicative of future success.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Hi, sorry for disappearing. I was preoccupied with Leigh's new podcast lol. It opens my mind and thus changes my plan. Just want to let you know that I have now moved on to fat loss phase and it's terrific. I lost 3.5 lbs right of the batch, back to the weight I had once I started the program, but with better health is every single aspect. And I'm very hopeful that I will be losing some more. My temperature increased up to 98.6, the first time ever that I see that number on the thermometer!! I think you must have noticed a lot of changes in your body by now.
My life is now centered around a crap load of cardio, stretching, and (what I think is) a proper amount of deficit. Somewhat a skinny actress plan, I guess. I definitely see myself slimming down, losing fat in a healthy rate. That is the happy closing for my REPAIR and if you still stick around this log, I will keep you update on my journey.
When the four remaining days are up, I would love to see what you decide to do. Good luck whatever it is!
Well good initial report from the Dr. Hope everything else turns out good. Sounds like my kind of book club. Food and Booze, sign me up!!
Hi T! Book club is awesome. We named our club "The Sham" because our husbands think it's a sham and all we do is drink wine. But we really do talk about the book. This month the book was The Omnivore's Dilemma and it was a really interesting discussion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deserve
OK first things first. You mistook me for Tony. In some parts of the world that's punishable by death. Tony will be mortified if he reads it. He's much better looking than I am.
Second. The Ghetto Fabulous party sounds awesome. I was a huge fan of the 40 oz in college. I was financially challenged and the powerful 40 did me right. My brand of choice was Silver Thunder. It was 1.29. You had to drink it fast. If it got hot you were guaranteed to hurl.
Shiner has a couple of different kinds. The Bock which is by far and away the most popular around here is a darker beer while the blond is more akin to a pilsner like Miller lite.
What's next after this 4 days is up?
Oh My God I am so embarrassed. I didn't mix up Deserve and gobbla in my head, but I mixed up which real name went with the screen names. I hope yesterday's hangover can serve as a mitigating circumstance at my trial. I was not in my right mind!
I'm not sure what's next. I don't have any kind of program or anything in mind, yet. I respond well to structure so I should probably find something fast. hee hee
Quote:
Originally Posted by warasa
Hi, sorry for disappearing. I was preoccupied with Leigh's new podcast lol. It opens my mind and thus changes my plan. Just want to let you know that I have now moved on to fat loss phase and it's terrific. I lost 3.5 lbs right of the batch, back to the weight I had once I started the program, but with better health is every single aspect. And I'm very hopeful that I will be losing some more. My temperature increased up to 98.6, the first time ever that I see that number on the thermometer!! I think you must have noticed a lot of changes in your body by now.
My life is now centered around a crap load of cardio, stretching, and (what I think is) a proper amount of deficit. Somewhat a skinny actress plan, I guess. I definitely see myself slimming down, losing fat in a healthy rate. That is the happy closing for my REPAIR and if you still stick around this log, I will keep you update on my journey.
When the four remaining days are up, I would love to see what you decide to do. Good luck whatever it is!
Warasa that is awesome! I'm glad you finished and had great results. Are you doing metaburn or the OPT for Fat Loss, or something else?
I have really been enjoying the audio series! I'm listening to the one on the Jessicas right now.
Definitely keep me updated on how things are going!!!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jesca
There is no spoon!
It's from the Matrix.
By the time you finish your cookie, you will be right as rain - also from the same part of the movie, but said by the Oracle.
I am now officially finished with the list of things I wanted to Stuff My Face with. The pinkberry knockoff yesterday was delicious! I've been eating stuff I wouldn't usually eat but LUST after (see glazed fritter), and it has been so great because before, I would just pretend I was allergic to these things and never eat them. Never have the donut I wanted, never go ahead and get the real ice cream, etc. I would tell myself those were "not for me" because I was afraid that if I ate a glazed fritter one day, I would want to eat one EVERY DAY. But now I am realizing that no, I won't, actually, and it's okay to go ahead and have that stuff once in awhile.
Sleep: 9 hours. Was so tired. Glorious sleep!
Water/Potassium/sodium: Way high on the water. Can feel it today; am yooge.
Emotionally: Very postive. I am both excited for REPAIR to be over (so I can exercise as much or as little as I want to, and also stop stuffing my face) and scared. I like the structure and being told what to do (I realize I am contradicting what I just said about exercising as much or as little as I want to. Shut up.)
I need to figure out what to do next.
In other news, I am shocked that my brain is all bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning after my first dose of prometrium. Last year when I was on it, I couldn't function until noon. I feel fine, no side effects at all. I guess that's a good thing?
T-minus one week until the mother-in-law siege is over!
Linear Mode
