Major reality checks today.
Over the years I've alternated between different tracking programs. I would use Fitday online, later bought the PC version (though you can't share with others that way) and lately have been using SparkPeople.
I opened up my old Fitday online and it has my bodyweight going back to 2002.
Eek.
12/4/02 - 150 lbs
I know that in the summer of 2001 I weighed 130 lbs because I had joined WW in the spring of '01 and lost 25 lbs and looked great for my 20th class reunion.
I also know I weighed 120 the holidays of 1998 because my husband died the spring of '08, I had just started to go to the gym right before, and with the "death diet" and the gym, I basically lost gobs of weight, about 45 lbs total.
I plugged the Fitday data into a graph (but it will only allow me to go back to '04.
The summer of '07 I had an accident that messed up my neck and back, though the ramifications of that didn't manifest until the spring of '08, when I had started on the NROL4W with other ladies here at JP Fitness.
I had gotten all the way down to 154 in Feb '08, and had lost 8-9 lbs at that time.
Then whoosh, the pain, the lack of exercise, the food, the self-medicating with wine...and I was up to 182 on June 1, 09.
I've thought I'd gained 20 lbs in that past year, when in reality I had gained 28 lbs.
Twenty-eight pounds in just over a year...that shocks the hell out of me. No wonder I felt so absolutely horrible. Not only was I having pain in my neck/back/arm, the doctor put me on hormones as I was menopausal. The combo of the hormones and pain meds gave me high blood pressure (which we just discovered this spring.) I stopped all meds and the blood pressure has gone back down.
I also recently was being tested for rheumatoid arthritis as I had so much pain in joints and such. The tests came back negative and though there are false negatives I decided enough is enough.
I can either have pain in my body while taking meds and crap and no exercise, which doesn't really help....
....or I can stop all that shit, exercise, eat well, and still have discomfort.....but be so much healthier for it.
The turn around has been tremendous. Yes, as I'm sitting here, I have some discomfort, maybe that will never go away. Maybe it will when I lose 30+ lbs. I really don't know.
I'm reading and rereading Leigh Peele's troubleshooter stuff. I listen to her podcasts over and over. She's making sense to me and creeping into my head. I can't exercise hard, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
I still don't know exactly what I can do, but I know right now that the 5 lb dumbbells I was just using are too heavy, and I have to suck it up and buy a pair of 2 lbs ones. Geez, that's hard to do when you use to press the 45lb olympic bar.
Who do I want to look like, or how to I want to look??? I'm listening to that Hotbod series of hers. I don't have a clue. I don't know what I can succeed at yet, what I can make of myself. What I need to make to feel good.
Writing this and thinking about this all is seriously making me want to cry. I'm bitching about my "little" aches and pains when other have serious issues in their lives. Why have I allowed myself to go up and down in weight, over and over, throughout my life. I'm obviously capable of losing without too much extreme trouble, at least I have been in the past. Hopefully I can do that again this time. I'm really scared sometimes, and so sad for what I've thrown away in the past.
