I want to write these feelings down. I have never been anorexia or bulimea, but have always been a compulsive obsessive "overeater." I am now identifying the messages in my head as Eating Disorder messages, which is a totally new concept to me, and i think that is a healthy growth for me.
Here are some thoughts going through my head:
1. I'm not losing on the scale, so:
a. You're eating too much variety and interesting foods, maybe if you eat plainer still, just turkey or chicken or egg whites, and no more than 1/2 C vegies at each of most meals, your body will react with a drop
b. You're eating too much food, maybe more fasting and 800-1000 cal days will cause weight drop as when you were in 20's and 30's
c. I'm doing something wrong.
d. I'm a failure
e. I should drop my calories
f. Maybe my exercise level is much more light than I realize
g. OH, here's the big one: If I'm feeding myself all these healthy meals, no wonder I'm not losing weight: I'm eating 5-6 meals a day, not really depriving myself, so my body thinks it is being fed and is happily maintaining with what I am giving it (1350cal)
I am just now beginning to identify my unhealthy mind games. Like, since I'm "not losing scale weight," I want to drop my calories down. I think that is a red flag for me. I've just redone all my numbers using an online calculator for RMR, BMR and Harris Benedict,
http://forums.jpfitness.com/training...tml#post719375 and it says, since I moderately exercise 6 days a week now (sweating, etc), that for a 30% deficit, I should be eating 1544cal. I am eating 1400cal average, and want to drop it to 1200cal. I think maybe that is
not a healthy reaction; it sounds like my Eating Disorder (ED) talking. I have never thought of it in these terms at all.
Doing Leigh's REPAIR was only the beginning of learning all this. Now that I am in deficit and not getting the scale results the math would have me get, I see the tricks my mind is doing to get me to undereat. I have never thought of all this in terms of ED for me. I think this is good, especially if a goal is that when I finally get to goal weight, and maintenance calories, I could possibly actually eat food, eat 1700-2000 calorie and maintain a goal weight. Right now at my weight of 175, at moderately active, my maintenance computes to 2206 calories. That is a mind blowing lot of healthy food.
I think, rather than AN or bulimea, what I have done in the past, is a nice healthy deficit, with some cheats thrown in to slow it down further, some small frustrating weight drop, still feeling fat, binging, overeating, gaining 5 more pounds than I lost, feeling guilty, dieting, never reaching my goal, always feeling fat, always dieting, thinking about food 24 hours a day to the exclusion of thinking of creativity or what art projects I could be doing. I have let myself stay at a steady stream of chubby dissatisfaction, working hard to be a martyr but not moving into success. I remember when I got to 159 last time, I felt "small" and there were parts of feeling small I did not like. Feeling insignificant...
I'm posting this here to open up the conversation more broadly rather than just specific "about me"...