As some of you might know from my thread in FLTS, I'm a recovering anorexic who's trying to get myself back on track with my nutrition and workouts.
A bit of history ... in late December I hit my lowest weight of about 79-80lbs. Fast forward to now, last time I checked (about a week ago) I was 118-119 .. I haven't weight since as it tends to be really triggering to me. Long story short, after 6 inpatient hospitalization for this, I said to hell with treatment (since it didn't seem to be helping) and figured if I lost all that weight on my own .. I can do the same thing and replace it on my own.
I was the queen of restricting, most days eating only 300-400 calories a day and working out 7 days a week for somewhere between 2-4 hours a day.
My weight is stable (getting some labs done tomorrow to check on electrolytes, thyroid function, etc) and am trying to now "clean up" my eating and my body (want to alter my composition, lose some fat, gain some muscle etc).
The ONE thing that keeps tripping me up though .. CRAVINGS! And I am about to really *flip* out! My "trigger" food is peanut butter .. for all the times I've sat here having a pity party about gaining 40 lbs, and swearing that I was going to pull myself together, eat clean and workout moderately so I can lose a smidge of weight (probably 5-10lbs) and really lean out .. yet time and time and time again .. I give into the craving for it. PB was always my absolute NO-NO food .. Never allowed myself to have it. When I was starting the weight gain process back in December .. I had PB daily, and never in a normal portion .. always 1/3 ot a 1/2 jar in one sitting. After 2-3 months of that, I got burnt out on it and never touched it again. Now within the last 3-4 weeks .. the peanut butter craving is front and center again. And it's beyond strong! Despite my best intentions .. I cave every single freaking time and I'm starting to get frustrated and panicked. Granted, I'm not overweight now .. but if I keep this crap up, that's exactly where I'm heading! I've read loads of nutrition/ed recovery books .. and they all suggest never to have any food be "off limits" .. as it tends to set you up to obsess about it/binge on it .. other books I've read say that you have to keep your "trigger foods" out of the house, otherwise you'll always binge on them. I don't think I"m necessarily "binging" on peanut butter .. but I don't think it's healthy to eat a half jar in one sitting, and I know for a fact .. that it's the peanut butter that is setting me on the exact path for being overweight. What do I do?!?! How do I stop giving into the craving?!?! It's like, if it's not in the house, I feel panicked because I don't have any in the kitchen .. and when it's in the house, I can't feel "satisfied" with a normal tablespoon or two .. it's the only thing that i consistently overeat time and again. My biggest goal it to overcome this, get my eating on track and through workouts, get my body to where I'd most like it to be (about 5-10lbs down, and to totally lean out/tighten up & get toned .. but if I can't get over this peanut butter obsession .. I'll never achieve those goals. I obsess about freaking PB ALL the time and it's starting to really frustrate me and make me feel discouraged. Is it time to just say screw it, and ban it from the house period? How do I deal with such intense psychological cravings for this crap? I feel absolutey horrible when I give into it .. I'm feeling completely defeated right now over a stupid food and the fact that is has this much power over me. What the hell happened? I used to be the queen of not caving and eating only what was "allowed" when I was anorexic. Don't get me wrong .. I don't want to go back to being that hardcore from a nutritional stanpoint, but how did I manage for 10 years to be so strict in my eating .. and now it's taking me over, and I feel like I have absolutely NO control/ability to fight it! I'm stumped and frustrated
Every time I eat it .. I know it's keeping me further from achieving my goals .. but it's almost like I can't help it! *screams* .. How do I deal with this & overcome it .. so I can start eating properly, get the cravings to go away and start making the progress I so desperately want to make?
***grrr ..*** I'm SO frustrated. Please let me know if you have any ideas/thoughts.
OH .. and on a side note .. I have tried substituting it with PB2, and it just doesn't satisfy the craving for the real thing
~ Nicole ~