[niclyf]

A few answers for you ..

I'm a complete idiot when it comes to knowing how to divide my macronutrients, so I honestly have no idea what % is protein, carbs, fat, etc. In terms of caloric increase, I just kind of "went for it" vs. increasing gradually. It wasn't my intent, I just hit that "brick wall" and 10 years of deprivation kind of exploded .. I was fed up!

I started on my goal of weight gain at the beginning of January this year .. I didn't track calories at the time, because I was trying to gain weight, although now in hindsight, I wish I would have, because I feel like I've completely shot myself in the foot. 4-5 months of eating excess calories, mean that now .. I'm starving ALL the time. I'm guessing that I was consuming anywhere from 2000-2500 calories roughly per day. Most of it was foods completely void of any quality substance (peanut butter, pizza, pasta, donuts, chips, cheeseburgers, chili, etc.). For the last few days out of utter fear that I would keep gaining, I've reduced to about 900-1000 a day, and I'm starving all the time. It's un-nerving!! Not to mention that while I needed to gain weight, isn't gaining almost 40 lbs in 5 months time kind of insane!?!?! Now I want to stop the weight gain, and drop about 5lbs and completely lean up, I have a very small frame .. so right now, this weight is just making me want to scream! I have zero desire to go back to 80lbs, that was the most miserable decade of my life, but I also don't want to gain any more weight either, and I have no idea how to eat/train to obtain those goals! I'm completely panicking over what to do .. how many calories to eat, what specifically to eat, what not to eat. I don't weigh my food .. but I do measure it out for the most part. I've found that given my history of ED, that weighing just tends to make me more OC and makes me start obsessively fixate on numbers, calories, etc., which just plays right in to the anorexia, which I'm trying to avoid. I've found for me, the easiest is to stick with foods that are already portioned for me (canned tuna, single serve yogurt containers, canned vegetables, etc). I just want to fix my body and metabolism so that for the first time in more than 10 years, I can eat without gaining weight and more importantly, withoug *fear*! I'll take any advice/direction I can get.

And I do plan on getting Leigh's books .. I just have to wait until I get paid again. :\