[kfisherx]

Nicole... Many people will not want to touch this one because you suffer from ED and are going it alone without many resources. Your case is VERY complicated for anyone to try to handle over the internet. I can take some broad brush strokes, but I don't think I can help you very much... For one thing this "fat" that you are complaining about could maybe be more in your mind than is actual "fat". I know this can be true 'cause I have food issues too. Mine is also of the non-eating type. I have hired a nutritionist to help me and one of the things he teaches me over and over and over again is that I have to be patient and let things play out. So long as I know the calories in for that day are correct, I can also know I am going to be fine. Water is just water and it passes so don't stress about that.

With respect to the binging thing it is most likely the case you are not eating the correct kinds of food to satiate you. Make sure that you are getting sufficient protein. (I think it isn't too unreasonable to eat 1g per lb of BW a day in protein) I actually do far more than that but I think this is probably not a bad target for you to shoot for. Eat lots of high fiber carbs such as vegetables as well 'cause they tend to fill you up. Personally, I found that quitting sugar and highly processed carbs to be very helpful in craving.

Do you know what you macros look like right now and calorie count is for the day?

If you eat at or just slightly above maintenace and do some sort of lifting program you will be able to realize muscle gain without putting on a boatload of fat. I think that is what you want to do. Trick is for you to be able to trust that this works.