[niclyf]

I just recently found this forum, have lurked for a while, and now I'm turning to all the experts here to hopefully gain some advice/insight on my issue at hand.

A little background .. I'm a 33 yr old female who is finally recovered from a 10 year battle with anorexia. At my lowest (last December) I was about 80lbs on a 5'6" frame. I was severely undereating and overexercising, and after 6 inpatient treatments for my ED, I said screw it and decided to do it on my own. Fast forward 5-6 months .. and while the number on the scale is fine (120), my body composition is crap. I have a very small frame, so this weight just looks horrible. Since I stopped working out, it seems as though all 40lbs went on as body fat vs a combination of body fat and lean mass. I've thankfully sailed through any re-feeding risks. However, my problem is that I can't seem to stop gaining, and I assume my metabolism is incredibly screwed up from 10 years of over-exercising and under-eating. I'm constantly slammed with food cravings for all the crap food I was eating in order to gain weight (peanut butter, fries, pizza, you name it).

So my question/fears boil down to .. how do I fix this? Going to a nutritionist isn't an option, because I'm not working and have no health insurance and a limited income. My goal is to clean up my diet, hopefully stop the insane food cravings (you don't want to know how much peanut butter I can eat in ONE sitting!!) and to "lean out" .. I don't want to drop a tremendous amount of weight, because I absolutely refuse to put my body through that again, nor do I desire to live under such restrictions! I would like to lose some of this body fat though and add lean muscle .. I just have no idea how to go about this! Ive' checked a ton of online "calorie calculators" that tell me 10 different things in terms of the amounts of calories to consume .. but that's also based on someone with a normally functioning metabolism, which I don't think I have right now. I fear it's screwed up, because I've been eating moderately and working out 3-4x a week with cardio and weight training, and I'm *STILL* gaining weight! I can't fathom the idea of going back to 400-500 calories a day .. but by the same token, I can't stand the constant weight gain that I can't seem to stop! Not to mention that I retain water at the drop of a hat, and can't figure out how to remedy that either! I'm afraid if I under-eat, I'll screw up my metabolism even more, but it seems like no matter how many calories I'm taking it, the weight just keeps coming and coming. I want to really tone up and alter my body composition to encourage more lean mass and drop 5-6 pounds overall.

How in the world to I figure out:
a) How many calories I should be eating (given my metabolism is probably incredibly low)
b) What kinds of foods should I be eating?
c) How should I tailor my workouts to encourage fat loss and muscle development/growth?

I'm becoming desperate!! Please give me any insight you have!

Thanks loads!
~ Nicole ~