Quote:
Originally posted by Jean-Paul:
Q,
So what do we REALLY need? According to Glasser (Reality Therapy) all we need to do is make sure that our most BASIS emotional needs are being met. Those basic needs do involve validation, but it also requires a high level of honesty with ourselves and others. For validation, his theory acknowledges that we have a real NEED to love and to be loved in return, and then it further requires us to form responsible adult relationships with others. In this case our relationships are very conditional (NOT our love, just our relationships). In other words, we hold ourselves and others to a high standard in which we are completely honest and expect complete honesty in return. So in the case of the exclusive relationship there are a couple of things you can do to avoid screwing everything up. First, a dialogue with your significant other... open communication. Being honest with them about your needs for validation, and also trying to understand what their needs are as well. The other is honesty with yourself. What are you getting when you "trade in for a newer model", as I have heard some men crassly put it? In blunt terms, you are trading in one set of problems for another. We would be lying to ourselves if we believed that this new relationship would somehow flow more effortlessly. There is no such thing. That is the illusion that we form. No matter who we are with, things are going to get routine, sometimes boring, and there will be disagreements, and there will need to be a lot of hard work if it is going to work.
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AH, THAT'S the kind of discussion I like! Yes, you're right about the confidence part. I'm easily more confident now than I've been at any time in my entire life and, yes, that's very attractive to women, from my experience.
JP, you are right on about the need for validation. That's the exact word that I've been using. Ironically, in my marriage, I'm the big communicator and I did have quite a good conversation with my wife just yesterday.
I told her that this (validation) is what I'm needing at this point in my life. After we get past the usual initial defensiveness and her thinking this is really an indictment of her, we actually made progress that helped ME quite a bit... as well as our relationship. Without going into all the details, I think she did eventually "get it."
It really pissed me off when I went to the MH "Over 40" forum (or whatever it's called) not too long ago only to find all these guys whining about their wives losing interest in sex. Many of them were ready (or had already) to become unfaithful or leave their wives. I didn't participate in that conversation but what I tell my own wife is that I understand that you didn't chose for this to happen... it just does sometimes! Women also have hormonal changes as they age.
The challenge for committed couples is to find a new path together that allows them to grow in new directions to accomodate the changes in their bodies. Sex at 18 is probably different than sex at 48, 58 or 68 for most people but not necessarily better. There's a whole new set of components to a relationship that require that time to develop.
One of the interesting things that I was reading in this book was a man in his 60's saying that, even though they still had actual sex intercourse, touching his wife's hand was a sexual experience to him now. Some younger people may laugh at that but I understood what he was saying. It has to do with the bond that develops between two people and runs deeper than what physical contact can account for.
Yes, some people make the decision to trade in their older wife for a newer model but often are just trading one set of problems for another. I have no interest in that and never have. I've always seen the folly in that. My wife has been through that once and I wouldn't do that to her or her children (I call them "our" children) again, even though they are grown, no matter what!
Well, this had been hurried and I have to go but I'll come back and try to explain the confusing parts later!
Q