Chad,
You are beyond the shadow of a doubt, suffering from depression in my opinion (not professional), and for a good reason. As a parent, my heart aches for you when I read this.
I know a little about grieving, although I have never lost a child, and I am pretty sure that what you did at first, going numb as it were, and not showing or even feeling any emotion, is VERY natural. Not only that, I would wager that it might be essential. I cannot fathom how anyone could have something like this happen and survive the pain of it. I think that we HAVE to go numb for our very survival. And grieving isn't on a schedule. No two people will grieve alike.
You are now beginning to show emotion, and you say you can't control it. This may also be a good thing. You have been carrying this around for a while. You can only hold off emotion from grief like that for so long before it finally forces itself to the surface. If you tried to be strong and keep it down, it would manifest itself in some other way, like illness, or physical problems, eventually leading to a complete breakdown. If you are strong enough to deal with it now, let it come. Don't let it start to effect your health any more than it has.
I can understand your pain though... just the thought of my children experiencing pain, let alone dying, causes me tangible, physical pain in my chest. No parent should ever have to out-live their children.
I wish I could offer you some real advice other than empathizing with you. My best friend in HS lost his little sister to illness when she was 7, and it tore him apart. His mother channeled her grieving energy into researching the grieving process, and wrote a book about it. I wish I could remember the title, because it would be a good book to read right now. Maybe that would help you... try finding books about grieving. Not only will you confirm that you are not abnormal in the way you are dealing with it, they may offer actual suggestions or give you exercises that can help you find closure. Not that there will ever be a time where this memory doesn't hurt. Maybe you can figure out a way to turn your hurt into something positive for other parents going through the same thing.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, have you considered actually meeting with a mental health professional or finding a support group of other parents who've lost children? Therapy may not have been appropriate before because you were in "numb survival mode," but now that you are becoming more open to dealing with the pain, a professional can really help guide you through the proccess. A group therapy session with other parents in your situation would be great for you. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. That child was a piece of you, and when she died, a piece of you died with her. Treasure her memory, and honor it by taking care of her daddy. He still has a lot of living left!
I hope you do get some help and get through this. For what it is worth, my thoughts are with you. I'll send some positive energy your way!
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