[rem1956]

Feb has been a very rough month for me personally. There has been many hardships to overcome. Bad weather, freezing rain and black ice caused me to miss many workouts, along with some family sickness and depression. Depression has been a major issue this month. I'm usually able to keep the beast on a leash, but many times it became loose, and caused me to loose much time from the gym and from my life.

My family life is tough. I have a wife who is morbidly obese, sets bad examples for my son, takes absolutely no care of herself and is unable to do the simplest of task around the home. This leaves everything around the home on me. We live in a two story home, and she is barely able to climb the stairs. I get absolutely no support nor encouragement from her. If anything, she feels threatened by me wanting to get healthy. Hell, she doesn't even know about this challenge I started. I never told her since I know she wouldn't support it.

At times, I feel like giving up. Depression hits real hard. Lots of extended periods of just sitting and crying. the problem is too much responsibility and never any fun, and always coming in last in the race. My self care gets put on hold while I take care of her and my son, do the household chores, work a day job, and teach at a night job.

I've considered divorce, but basically, for reasons I really don't uinderstand, I love my wife. And I love my son. A divorce would probably destroy him, and wouldn't help me in the long run either.

All day long, all week long, month after month, all I ever do is take care of them and ignore myself. My life has no fun! No freedom, nor any solitude. It consist of getting up in the morning tired as I was when I went to bed, and every day is just one big re run of an unhappy life.

I get no encouragement form her regarding weight loss and health. We both have gym memberships, but she never uses hers, and has little subtle remarks to make if I go to the gym. Guilt trips since I'm not spending time with her, with my son, doing something that needs to be done around the hosue, etc.

Bottom line is I don't know what to do anymore. A life of depression is no life. A life like mine is no life.

I should be posting new pictures soon, but I have to ask myself why bother? Absolutely nothing has changed since the last photos, since I've only been to the gym 5 times in Feb. there is no progress to report on.

My lifestyle makes me feel sad and miserable. A crummy day job that I absolutely hate; a marriage that is all take and no give, and if that isn't enough, then add a huge financial debt on top of all that. I haven't even mentioned the debt yet. That could keep me going on for another long thread.

Bottom line is I may decide to withdraw from the challenge. There is way too much on my shoulders right now for me to keep trying to balance so much. something has to give, and it can't be family and jobs.

This morning, I woke up tired. So tired that I just laid there not feeling like moving. I was to go to the gym. March was going to be Balls to the wall and make up for Feb. But I just didn't have it in me to get out of bed. The fight has left me. I feel defeated.

Well, enough for now. Long rant. Thanks for listening folks.

This may be good bye. This may be my withdraw from the challenge. Hell, I don't even know what this may be. I just know I can't go on much longer like this.

Ray