[Mon]

I am made fun of everywhere I go because of my learning disability and now I have trouble trusting everyone. I have not gotten that in college at all (I hardly talk much and plus everyone is grown up and mature), but I have been picked on in K-12 with people backstabbing me, talking about me behind their backs, etc. I have always wished I was never in special ed classes and never knew why I was there. When I got to college, I made the change and got out of the special education program for good because of K-12 experience and it got me so behind and basicially screwed up my learning life. I have always felt like that if I was never in special ed and went to regular classes (my mom has been trying to get me in them since middle school) that I would not be behind, not have the grammar I have now, have confidence in myself, good self esteem, and have good reading comprehension/vocab. I am done with all my general education classes now and I have always used ratemyprofessor.com to get all my teachers that I know I could pass with.

Now that I am done with my general ed, I have no clue what I want to do for a major. I am thinking Psychology or Child Development. I was going to do ART (graphic design), but I am not very good at drawing by hand at all and I am fine on the computer, but not advanced like I see on websites and stuff. I have never won any online contests on this one contest mb that happens every week, so I know that I am not very good. I want to pick a major that will suit me, something I can handle and not struggle to get through. I can study hard for my classes and pass the tests, but once the test is done, my brain forgets mostly all the information and I don't know why that happens. I of course get the basics of the classes I take, but I won't remember definitions or whatever. I am also a visual learner.

On the other hand, people online don't really think I am a real person and make fun of me just like people in person K-12 did and didn't think I was real, which I am a real person. I also go to music boards for my favorite artists and go to concerts and meet people and hang out at the shows. None of them think I am fake or make fun of me because of my learning disability and they see me in person to at shows. Only on exercise or softball boards where we don't know anyone in person are the people who do this to me and I don't know why exercise/sports fans would do this and music fans don't. If I was not real, would I be online right now? would I be posting this topic right now? I never do anything to anybody and I am a type of person that just needs friends that are willing to help me and be there for me. I have met people in my college that I talk to sometimes, but not where I can actually trust and hang out with yet. No one ever invites me anywhere or to any party's or anything. I am always by myself and I have hardly any trust in anyone anymore. I thought the internet would be better, but its the same K-12 kids that think they are adults and are willing to pick on me and make fun of me because of my grammar, reading comprehension, writing, the way I talk, etc.

What advice do you guys have for me? How can I be normal like everyone else? I am afraid that if I trust the wrong person at something, I am going to get screwed up even more (if its exercising or whatever). Is there some pills I can take to be normal and not be like this anymore? I really want to be normal! I am taking an assessment next week at my JC to see what kind of learning disabilities I may have and to see what to do to get rid of it (or mostly all of it) and be normal again without always struggling and worrying all the time.

I am 21 years old by the way and I should be what any other 21 year old should be and know what other 21 year olds should know. I want to be NORMAL!