[Sign]

Now that I have had a good nights sleep, I am able to think a little clearer. I know all of you are right, things could be much worse and in the greater scheme of things I do have it pretty good still. I try to tell myself that but you know, sometimes it just doesn't seem to matter when it still hurts this bad. Oh, and I just wanted to say that if I offended anyone with the "F God" at the end of my first post, I apologize.

I guess the true problem is I am not as over my ex as I thought I was and not really having anyone around to talk/vent to about it doesn't help much either. Most of my friends are/were mutual friends so I don't really feel I can confide in them and nor do I want to put them in that awkward position. With that in mind I am just going to go off about it here so consider this fair warning that if you don't want to read it or don't care then you can just stop reading now, the rest of the post may contain rambling and my thoughts may jump all over the place.






My biggest realization of late is how easily she seems to have moved on, I think that is the one thing that hurts the most. It is almost like the last 8 years have meant nothing to her, which in a way invalidates and cheapens everything I thought we shared together. I can't even think about it without the feeling of something grabbing my heart and just squeezing it tight. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life (for that I should probably consider myself lucky but at the moment I don't feel so lucky). I am so confused, I am not even sure what I want to feel. The one thing I do know is that I hate him and should he cross my path I am actually afraid of what I might do. I know I shouldn't hate him, I am just displacing the hurt and anger onto him because I don't want to hate her, I know all this, but I can't stop the thoughts, the hatred. I have to move on, I can't keep dwelling on this, I can't let this control my life. I have actually had classmates in the last 2 days actually come up and ask me if I was ok and tell me I looked pissed off. I didn't feel pissed off, at the time in class I was feeling pretty ok. Is the anger so great that it is starting to show subconsciously? I should probably get help, I know there is a history of depression in my family, but I can barely afford my bills as it is, psychiatry is out of the question. I know what my problems are, I just need to be strong enough to get passed them. I can't let them control my life anymore. Just get up every day, you are better then these emotions, tell yourself that, don't allow yourself if to be sidetracked by bad thoughts.

Ok, I am feeling a little clearer, a little calmer now. That is a wall of text, I apologize.